"Mom and dad are going to aunt Marie's house tonight or tomorrow. Do you mind if I stay here until they come back. Probably Wednesday or Thursday she said."
"I think it would be great. Didn't you want to go?"
"Yes and no. I would have liked to have seen everyone but I think right now they are not really going to be happy like it's the holidays. Everyone is going to be there because of what happened to Curtis. But they asked me. I could go, or stay at home and maybe Doug could come stay at the house with me, or stay with you. Needless to say you are my first choice. Besides, I wanted to hear about your date last night. I figured it would take us about five days to make sure we covered all of the details." I smiled, really hoping she would not pick Doug out of all of these topics, to talk about. It was hoping for too much.
"Doug? At your house? I'm sorry Nicky but I don't see how you can listen to that without screaming. How can you not tell them?"
"I don't know." Let's just get this over with. Her date was sounding better every minute. I closed my eyes and put my head back in the recliner. It was better than looking at her when I told her this. "Mom asked me, or tried to ask me, if anyone had ever touched me. She even apologized for not having asked before. Of course I told her no." I didn't want to tell Mary this. I didn't have to tell Mary this. Why couldn't I just shut up.
"What do you mean 'of course you told her no'? That's what she asked you for, was so you would know you could tell her".
I waited a beat. Keeping my eyes closed one more second. I sat forward and looked at her. "See Mary, that's just it. I don't think I can tell her. I don't have that feeling that it would be safe to tell her. Maybe I know that everything will change. Nothing will ever be the same, not for them, not for me. Without telling them I still have that life that hasn't been touched."
"No you don't".
"To them I do. And when I'm with them I kind of do." She dropped her head in to her hands. I kind of knew how she felt but it's what I had to do. Suddenly I felt very tired. "Mary I know it doesn't make sense to you. And again, I wish I hadn't told you for just that reason. But for some reason, a long time ago, I decided that I shouldn't tell. I know that goes against everything we hear about telling someone you trust. But you know what? All that stuff? All that stuff you hear doesn't tell you how you feel and doesn't tell you what to do about being scared and alone with this. I don't know why I didn't tell when I was smaller, but now I don't see the point in it. The other day I knew it wouldn't happen again. And even if he tried, I know I wouldn't let it happen. Ever. Again. Before I didn't know I could stop it. Now I know. It won't happen again. So I don't need to tell mom and dad. I don't need them to stop it."
She spoke slowly to me. Quietly. "I understand that. I think..no..I don't. I mean I know you don't need them to stop it. But do you think they would want this man in their house, in their lives? Knowing what he did to you? He's always going to be there Nicky. Always. Unless you tell them."
"I don't know Mary. If you had seen him when he left. I think he looked scared. And he hasn't been back since."
"Nicky I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound like a nag. Or a know it all. I just wish this didn't happen to you." Crap. she was crying. Why was she crying? I had no idea what to say. "All I can think about is you being a little girl. A little kid. And this...this....what he did to you. I can't help it, I knew you, I think about when we use to play .... I feel so guilty that I didn't know. And that I thought we both had these perfect little worlds. Except I had a brother so you had it better because you didn't. And all this time....this was going on." I think I should have gone and hugged her or laugh at her attempt to make me laugh. But I couldn't. I couldn't move. If I blinked I was going to cry. Not because of me. But because of her. She truly felt guilty and it was my fault for making her feel that way.
We sat there being quiet. Except for her quiet little sobs. Until we looked at each other and smiled. "You know Mary, we don't have to let this dominate everything in our lives. There's other stuff going on. Like last night. What happened with Tim?" She just looked at me, not saying a word. "Mary, I need to talk about more than 'this'. I can't just sit and think, talk, and think more about this. We need to talk about more than this with each other. Besides, it never bothered you before to talk about guys." At least she smiled. And talk we did. About her date, about other guys at school. About other girls at school. And what the other girls said about the boys. We talked until her parents and brother came home. We went in to the kitchen where they had tons of groceries they were bringing in.
When Mary's mom saw me she came over and hugged me. Which was par for the course. It never bothered me when she hugged me. But when other people did, it did bother me. I don't know why. "Nicky it seems like such a long time since I've seen you."
"Funny you should say that. How would you like to see a lot of me?" Mark stopped in his tracks and listened. I always thought he kind of had a crush on me.
"What do you mean?" She started sticking boxes in the pantry.
"Mom and dad wanted to go to mom's sister's house, And of my choices of where I could go or what I could do, I was hoping I could stay here until they get back. Which won't be until Wednesday or Thursday."
"I think that would be great. I'll call your mom when I get done with these." I glanced at Mark and caught a quick glance of him smiling. But when he saw me look he rolled his eyes as if he were disgusted and went outside to help his dad get more bags.
I helped with the groceries since I was as familiar with their kitchen as I was my own. Mary's dad came in and punched me in the arm like he always did. He was a pretty quiet guy but pretty comfortable to be around. Mark was everywhere but seemed to be doing nothing. Which Mary said was par for the course. Mary walked down to my house and we went to my room to start packing my stuff. Mom and dad were in their room packing when I went down to ask for a suitcase.
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