"I guess I have been kind of a hermit lately, but I've been working on a lot of stuff lately." I can't believe they can't see! I hope they can't see. I looked across the street so I wasn't looking at them, I was afraid they would see. I was trying to look at them, to see if they were looking at me. Didn't I look different?
"What do you get to do on the paper this year? You never did say." Mom seemed kind of quiet, just sitting there with a funny look-looking at me. Was she scrutinizing me like I was scrutinizing them? I want to go to my room. Close the door. Be alone. Forever.
It's safer.
But I had to exist with this. "One of the assistant editors from last year got student editor this year, but I'm the assistant editor for this year."
"The assistant? That's pretty good isn't it?" Dad was always one to feel proud about accomplishments. I couldn't help but give him a real smile.
"That is pretty good dad. But it would have been better if I wasn't the only one who wanted it. Doesn't make for a great victory if there are no opponents."
He laughed but pointed out that taking on more responsibility is a great accomplishment. His positive nature was contagious. It did feel good. Mom even let go of that silly look on her face. We sat quietly, which seemed to fit mine and mom's mood. Not that I knew what her mood was. I just knew something was not quite right with her. Dad always seemed content with what ever he was doing. I kind of envied that. I don't know that I would know what content felt like. I had the glider moving slow and steady. Mom and dad were swinging just as slow. For such a nice evening it sure was crappy. I looked down the street. It seemed like a tunnel. Just going.
I can't believe I didn't say those three words years ago.
It was getting dark, and kind of cold. But it felt good...not good. I don't know how it felt.
Without speaking mom and dad got up and went inside, they both caressed my cheek as they went by. Not that I didn't want them to touch me, but it didn't give me comfort either. I waited a few minutes and went in to join them in front of the TV. I was only sitting a minute before I remembered my homework. "I need to go up and do my homework. I didn't finish it yet." Because it was expected of me I went and kissed them each on the cheek. Told them goodnight.
Upstairs in my room I only turned on the desk lamp. I liked the dark. I worked on my homework. And it was work to try and stay focused when I felt so out of focus. Nothing seemed clear, my head felt foggy, and I didn't want to have to think about or do anything. There was no desire to do anything. But I had things I had to do. And the things I had to do always had to be done. Like homework. School. Be with people.
Think. The worst thing of all.
When I finished everything I packed all of my books in to my backpack and put it by the door. I opened one of my windows a crack to let some of the cold air in. I put my nose right to the window and felt the tingle of the air in my nose. Once changed in to my pajamas I set the alarm, turned off the light and sat by the window. Looking out, but not seeing anything.
All this time, all this crap. I pulled my knees up to my chin and wrapped my arms around my legs. Who would ever want a used up something like me? What was I anyway? What boy would ever believe I was young, innocent and scared. Who would ever believe that I didn't even know how to kiss a boy? That I don't know what it feels like to have someone hold me and love me. I wouldn't have a clue as to what I could possibly have to say to anyone who would ever be interested in me. And just why would anyone?
Today. My life changed. And no one knows.
Without wanting to, and without being able to stop myself, I replayed what he had done to me. Moments. Pictures. Flashes. All of the fear thumped, pounded, in my heart as if it was right now. How could I ever tell someone about these things and expect them to think of me as....
As what?
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