I'm Old I'm Young

I made myself get up and walk out in to the hallway.  There was a strong odor of fresh paint.  I opened th edoor to my room and stood in the doorway.  It was much cleaner looking except for the large heap in the center of the floor.  I walked around the edge of the tarped pile and inspected the walls and trim.  I made my way back to the doorway.  This will do.  Why should I move out of this bigger room to run from something that wasn't IN this room and wouldn't ever be again.  I didn't see him lurking in the corners or feel like he was cowering in the closet.  No matter where I went he was in my head and moving out of this room wasn't going to take care of that.  Purging him from my head was completely up to me.  How to do it was a mystery.  I stared in to the room.  I felt that happy feeling from this morning when I woke up.  All right then, taking back control is all I have to do. I turned on my heel and went to the kitchen.  Mom had left cinnamon rolls on the table.  I poured myself a cup of their still warm coffee and ate four cinnamon rolls and felt content as I took the last of the coffee from the coffee maker and went out the back door and sat on the top step.

Take control of my life.

What does that mean?  I've heard that said in so many contexts over the years that it almost seems meaningless.  I've got a job, am going to go to school.  Shawn has come into my life, what will come of it is not necessarily in my control.  I'm not eve sure what I'm hoping for with Shawn.  Never have I even allowed myself to think about somebody being my life like this.  Like what?  Do I tell him?  And scare him away?  How could I not tell him something like this.  How would I tell him something like this?

I played out a scenario in my head, one of many to come I'm sure.  Telling Shawn and him looking at me with pity.  Gradually he pulls away and can't even touch me.  I look in his eyes and see the look I fear the most.  He sees me and sees a damaged person.  I can't fix that.  Forever he will see me and see what happened to me and thats who I will be to him.  I blink my eyes to focus on looking towards the backyard instead of picturing his face.

"Hey."  Startled I turn my head to see Mary standing next to the back steps.  Just two feet from me.  "Where were you?"

"No where I wanted to be."

"Oh, I guess we've all been there."  I slid over and she sat on the step next to me.   "What's up?"

"I painted my room.  I guess I should say Shawn and I painted my room."

"Really?  That's sounds good.  I haven't seen you for a few days and the next thing I know you have a guy in your room."

"Interesting don't you think?  I didn't want to lose all of my good mood from this morning so I am going to try to head this off.

"Yes.  I think I would say that's interesting.  Have you talked to Tim?"  I didn't see that coming.  I thought I was in for the long haul to explain my time with Shawn.  I liked this better.  Let's talk about her.

"Yeah."  I nearly forgot my talk the other night because of being with Shawn last night.  "He was over the other day.  Stayed for dinner."

"Oh..."   Quietly.  Too quietly.

"What's going on Mary?  You said you weren't interested in seeing him anymore."

"I'm not.  I don't think I am.  But I can't stop thinking about him."   I leaned back to the door and laid against it looking at the back of her head.  She put her chin in her hands and her elbows on her knees.  "That doesn't make much sense does it?"

"Maybe it will if you explain it."

"I don't know what to explain.  I mean, when I was with him I didn't feel any excitement.  No thrill.  You know?  Like waiting for him to touch me or kiss me or something.  I felt comfortable with him.  Maybe I want something more than comfortable."   She twisted around to look at me.  "What do you think?"

"About what?"

"About me and Tim goof.  I mean, can I not like this wonderful guy because of.....what?  It doesn't make sense to me at all."  

"Me either.  You obviously think he's wonderful.  You like him.  But you don't like him.  I can't make sense of it.  You think you want more what?  Danger?  What kind of excitement do you think you want?"

"I don't know."  She dropped back to the door and laid back turning her head to look at me.  "I was hoping you would."  She smiled and I laughed which made me sit up because laughing made me bounce my head off of the door.

"You don't trust me with my own life and you think I have the answers for you?"

She smiled.  "Kind of ironic huh?"

"Just out of curiosity, why do you have to decide NOW what you want from a relationship with Tim?"

"What dya mean?"  She sat back up next to me again.  She sure was getting tan.

"I just don't understand whatever happened to the purpose of dating.  Why do we, me, you, whoever..have to be with someone and decide within hours it seems, on whether this is serious or not?  I thought dating was about discovering someone else, their likes, dislikes, what you have in common and what you will never agree on."

"I wouldn't say we decided in hours.  We were seeing each other for months."

"So."  She bugged her eyes at me in an 'explain that please' kind of look I was familiar with.  "Months don't necessarily seem long enough to me to discover everything about a person.  You said you liked him and think he's wonderful.  Why can't you be with him and have a good time?  See a movie.  Go dancing.  You know...go out."

"Sounds just peachy Nicky.  But he wanted this commitment thing I and I didn't know if I could.  I mean, what if someone did come along that gave me that thrill?  Someone who's touch I did wait for and anticipate.  Then what?  I told him I didn't know what I was feeling about all of this."

"Can't you say all of this to him?  Why can't you see him with a commitment?"

"Girl, you are making no sense.  You just said why do we have to be in a hurry to be serious, now you say make a commitment."  She flipped her hair as she shook her head.

"I guess on one hand I can't blame him.  There's a lot of stuff out there you don't get by being monogamous.    But why can't you make a commitment to be honest?  You'll see him.  Hang out with him.  Have fun with him.  But you don't know that it's going to develop in to any thing more."

"Thanks."  Very dry and injured.  "Thanks Nicky.  Just what do you think I'm doing anyway?"

"Lighten up."  I punched her in the arm like I had seen her brother do thousands of times.   "I don't think you're doing anything.  Why can't you make a commitment to him telling him you will see only him while you are seeing him but you'll be honest if someone else comes along that you're interested in."

"That sounds almost cruel.  I mean, tell a guy I'll stay with him until someone else comes along."  She was in one foul and grumpy mood.

"Mary"  I tried to mimick her as best I could as she always says to me "do you need to feel bad right now?"  At first she sat there stony faced but as I stared at her she slowly started to smile.

"Yes damnit.  I think I do."

"Fine then.  You let me know when you are ready to stop feeling bad."  I liked pulling her own counseling tricks on her.  She returned the punch to my arm.

"Sometimes Nicky what you say sounds so...young.  But for some reason it makes sense."  I sound young?  I thought she said I seemed old to her.  I'm letting it pass.  I made her go upstairs with me and see my room.  She ended up helping me put everything back in order and drag that bulky tarp down to the basement.  We spent the time talking about Shawn and she became almost giddy talking about him.  We stopped in the kitchen on the way back up from the basement for some cranberry juice to drink.  We sat at the kitchen table.

Sleep

I went down the hall to the guest room.  I hardly ever went in there.  I opened the door and went in without turning the light on.  It was nice, comfortable.  The walls were off white with a green border hand stenciled around the top of the room.  There was a bed spread that matched the border.  Or maybe the border matched the bed spread.  A TV.  A phone on the night stand, even though we all have our own cell phones mom and dad keep the house phones, the old land lines.  A dresser with a picture of me, mom and dad from when I was about ten.  And a chair.  I told mom it reminded me of a hotel room.  She laughed and said that's what she wanted.  Fortunately there weren't any bad feelings associated with this room.  Actually I had often thought of asking mom if I could have this room.  But then that would involve a whole lot of change.  For me anyway.  I took the remote from the TV, closed the door and got right in to the bed.  It was a lot softer than mine, fluffier feeling.  I let myself sink in to the mattress and couldn't believe how sore I felt and how good the bed  felt.  I turned on the TV and spent two minutes flipping through channels before turning it off and just laying there in the dark.

Now I can think.  There was the entire day waiting for me.  Slowly I let myself relive the entire afternoon.  I would catch myself looking at him and he would smile, I would catch him looking at me and I would smile.  While we painted we would talk for a spell and be quiet for a spell.  And either way I was surprised by my feelings.  They couldn't last.  Could they?  This was so wonderfully new to me but I felt too old to be enjoying it.  I felt too old for it to be new.  Something was in the way.

I lay flat on my back with my arms by my side, I didn't want to mess up the bed.  Why can't I mess up the damn bed!!!!!!!!!!!!   I threw the bed spread back and kicked my feet up to loosen the sheet and blanket I kept tight around me.  I lay there for a few minutes.  But it was a forced few minutes.  I got out of the bed and straightened it and climbed back in.  This bed was comfortable.  What was I thinking about?

Something was in the way.  This isn't right.  And it isn't fair!  Why can't I let this happen without beating it to death.  I am not too old for this.  This new feeling.  Not to say I hadn't had a crush on a boy before.  But I never acted on it.  I always felt like that was something that I wasn't meant to be a part of.  All of that young stuff.  I did feel too old for it.  But why?  Why would a ten year old feel too old for a crush?  And why do I feel like that now?  I felt so tense and this made me angry.  I realized my fists were clenched and had to consciously loosen them, open them and lay them down on the bed.

Damn him.  Damn him.  This time I clenched my fists and pushed them forcefully into the mattress.  Instead of picturing Shawn I pictured Doug.  Looking at me.  That last day, saying he thought I liked all of this.  I closed my eyes and sucked in all of the air I could and tried to expel him with the breath I finally let out.  He was still there.  Why did I let him do this to me?

Shawn.  Shawn.  Shawn.  I don't want to think of Doug.  Shawn.  Shawn.  I sat up and pictured Shawn in my room, painting, talking.  I even heard him singing quietly to a few songs and remembered the smile I felt when I heard him sing.  I lay down.  I pictured Shawn eating pizza with us.  When we were in the bathroom taking care of his eye and I liked that feeling of comfort I had with him.  Come to think of it, I wasn't scared to be with him in my bedroom with the door closed.  Shawn was good. I felt that.

I woke in the morning feeling relaxed and happy.  I lay there for a minute trying to remember why.   Shawn.  My dreams had been full of just kissing him.  No, not just kissing him, but the feeling of not being scared of kissing him.  No fear.  I had slept.  I moved my head back and forth.  My neck didn't hurt. I sat up and pulled my knees to my chest.  This room seemed so bright, which I don't usually like.  But it felt, no, I felt so....bright myself.  I thought of my room and almost cringed.  I can't believe I left my room like that all night.  I sat there wanting to move to go finish it but not wanting to move out of this feeling.  I flopped back on the bed.  This was a good room.  It was like being in another world.  There was no past in here.  No darkness, no secrets, nothing to weigh me down.  What would be so difficult about making this my room.  It was like being in a new house, it was fresh, it was different.   

It wasn't my room.

How Do I Feel About This

I couldn't bring myself to look directly in his face so I tired to focus on his ear or neck.  I have to answer him.  How do I answer him.  Before I could deliberate any more I said "okay".

"Okay".  He repeated the word quietly, almost to himself.  I think we both breathed a little easier.  "Well, I guess we should probably go try to finish that room of yours."

"I think mom and dad are upstairs and I don't want to bother them.  I better wait until tomorrow."

"All right, but does that mean our date is off?"

"No.  We're almost done.  I'll finish it in the morning and be ready by whenever you want to go."

"I have to work until six.  I can pick you up around seven?"

"Okay."  I was looking towards the other end of the porch and I could see his hand coming towards my face in my peripheral vision.  I didn't move.  Softly he touched my cheek.  Then placed his fingers on my chin and pulled my face towards him.

"I hope you get more comfortable with me."  He dropped his hand.

"What do you mean?"

"I think you're worse than I am.  I have a hard time opening up to new people and feeling comfortable with them.  I just get the impression after these last few days that you may find that hard too."

Is this what I have to do?  Make him fight for this?  Without knowing why or where I got the courage I leaned forward and kissed him.  Ever so slightly he leaned into me and I have never felt such feelings from a touch.  It was gentle.  Soft.  And wanted.  He didn't reach out to touch me or grab me.  I absorbed the smell of paint, turpentine, his still slightly pepperoni-ed breath.  We pulled apart but stayed face to face.

"I'm really looking forward to this summer Nicky."

"Me too."  From the kitchen a light shown through the house and made a slight play on his face.  His eyes were still a little red looking and a few specks of paint were flecked on his forehead. I couldn't resist as I reached up to touch his cheek.  Briefly I ran a finger on his cheek.  And then let my hand drop.

"I suppose I should gt going?"  Weird as it may sound I couldn't wait for him to leave.  I wanted to think about this.  I think I had enough for one day and I knew I would spend the night re-living it and making sense of it.

I needed to be alone with how I felt.

How did I feel?

"Probably."  He stood up and I went with him to the steps.  I stopped as he went down the steps.  I think he expected me to go to his car with him but I didn't realize it in time.  I am going to be clumsy at this.  At the bottom of the steps he turned to look at me but I wasn't there and he looked up to see me at the top of the steps.

"Tomorrow?"

"I'll be ready."

"Okay."

"Okay."  I watched until he was in the car and starting to leave then I went in to the house.  I locked up and went upstairs.  I went to my room and was disappointed at the mess that lay in there.  I walked in to start working and stopped inside the door.  It was all painted.  I just needed to do a double check and make sure it didn't need another coat and clean everything up and put everything back.  I looked around at 'that was all I have to do' and was suddenly very tired.  Too tired.  I took the brushes and rollers to the basement and cleaned them and propped them in the utility sink to dry.  I went to my room and flipped the tarp around until I could get some clean underwear and pajamas.  In the bathroom I shed all of my grimy clothes and the rest of the grime in the shower.  I fought off thinking of Shawn.  Not yet.  Not until I was completely alone and not doing anything.  I finished showering, teeth brushing and dressing and went to mom and dad's room to say goodnight.

Mom was reading and dad was watching TV.

"Just wanted to say good night."  Expectantly mom laid her book down and dad turned down the TV.  Now what am I suppose to say.

"We looked in the room.  It's going to look nice."  I smiled and hoped this was a way out.

"I thought so, looks better than I thought it would."

"That was nice of Shawn to come over and help."  Here we go.  

"Yep."  I have to say more than 'yep' or they will never forgive me.   "Uhm..I'm going out tomorrow night.   If that's okay I mean."  Criminy I don't even know how to ask my parents for permission to go on a date.  Do I even have to ask?  Too sad for even me to think about.

Mom smiled and looked at dad who took over.  "I would think it's okay if that's what you want to do.  I guess we can trust you enough to know if that's what you want to do."  He must have noticed the bewilderment on my face.  "What I mean is, I don't think you have to ask us permission to go on a date."

"Oh...okay."  I couldn't even do that right for them.  They missed out on that whole deal.

"But I think you need to let us know when you are going and when you will be back."  Mom piped in quickly. "I mean, so we don't worry and everything.   And..."  She looked at dad and I could tell she was going to say something they hadn't discussed.  "I think you need to be home by a decent time, maybe...one?"  Actually I felt relieved.  There was still time for them to be parental and do that thing that parents do.

"Okay."  That seemed to be a good word for the night.  I felt good that they still had that and even that they thought I still needed that I guess.  "I think I can do that."  Aside from the graduation party I don't think there were a whole lot of occasions that I ever had to worry about a one a.m. curfew.  For them, and tonight for me, I went to them and kissed them good night.  I backed up to the doorway.  "I think I'll sleep in the guest room tonight.  The tarp doesn't look too comfortable."

They smiled and returned to their book and TV.