There was nothing else to say. I could hear Mary's family moving around downstairs. I've known them all my life. Mary and I have been friends since we were born, literally. Our parents were friends when we were born, living right here where we are now. We grew up with our parents borrowing ladders and saws and hung out in each other's backyards or on our porches. We hung out just to hang out. Our families were comfortable with each other, even Mary's "dork" brother Mark was comfortable at my house, with or without Mary. We had a comfortable life. And sometimes that sucked.
Mary's mom yelled up for Mary to come eat dinner. "You want to eat with us Nicky?"
"No, we just ate."
"Stay here then, I'll be back." She went downstairs to eat. I felt bad now that I had told Mary. She wanted to protect me, but I made her make promised that prevented that. I know she worried, I know she wanted to help. She was seventeen, I made her almost forty. She had always taken an interest in her mom's career, she even read the books her mom brought home to continuously study. Mary seemed to understand most of what she read, and that was probably why she worried so much. I had been doing reading and research of my own and I didn't like what I read. I didn't want to believe what was written, because it didn't paint a very good picture for me.
I thought about mom and dad at home talking to Doug. What were they talking about, me? How's come they couldn't see it! Oh God! What if they ever found out? Would they think I asked for it? Would they hate me?
He was everywhere in my life. Everything my family did, he did with us. He was there. He stayed at our house sometimes. Those were the worst. When he would sneak in to my room while my parents slept. And they slept because they had no fears. I always kept my eyes shut, especially at home. He never said anything, never. I sat up on Mary's floor and scooted over the floor to the wall and leaned against it. I pulled my knees up and put my chin on my knees. I wanted to go home. But I didn't want to be there. Maybe I should tell mom and dad. I know they wouldn't want this to happen to me, they would make it stop. Tell them? No, they didn't deserve this.
It seemed like only minutes before Mary came back to the room and sat down. "I looked, his car is gone."
"Oh...if mom asks, we were working on your research paper for psychology." She nodded. I looked at Mary. I had put such a strain in our friendship. She picked up her back pack from the floor and pulled out books and notebooks, she was an excellent student. I did okay, mostly B's, some A's and a C every once in awhile. I couldn't stay focused as well as Mary. I could sit and study and work on homework over and over again like she did but it never came easy. Not like it did for Mary. She could read something once and have a full fledge discussion and even quote what she had read.
We did end up going over her outline. She told me about the research her mom had helped her with. Finally there was no avoiding it, I had to go home. Mary walked me downstairs and out to the porch, we looked towards my house to make sure the car was still gone. It was. Slowly I walked off of Mary's porch. I was very conscious of every step I took to my house. Watching my feet place one foot in front of the other. Examining my shoes and the gray contrast of the street with each footfall. Nearly mesmerized by it. I walked up our steps and through the front door. Mom and dad were watching the news in the family room. I headed to the kitchen to get a snack. Mom followed me in.
"Are you okay Nicky? I kept myself busy making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
"Yeah, why would you ask that?" Trying to sound like it was a ridiculous question.
"I don't know, I guess I feel like something just isn't quite right."
I turned and smiled at her. A genuine smile for someone so calm and kind. "Mom, you are just being silly." She smiled as I used one of her phrases on her. I don't know how many times in my life she smiled at me and told me I was "just being silly". Though I never, ever, felt silly.
"You're sure?" She stood with her hands on back of the chair around the kitchen table we used for nearly all of our family meals.
"Yes Mom." I nudged her with my elbow as I slipped past her and headed to my room. I really did have homework I needed to work on. Once upstairs I turned on the radio and put my sandwich on my desk. I grabbed my backpack and pulled my books out. I sat at the desk. The desk sat in front of a big bay windows that looked out onto the backyard. Being fall, there was a good amount of leaves on the ground. Green color still lay amongst the orange and yellows. The leaves looked so cool, fresh, which sounds kind of stupid since they were now dead. But they were so bright....next thing I knew it was 9:45 and mom was coming in the bedroom.
"What are you doing honey?"
I wasn't really sure, nothing but sitting and thinking. "My homework".
"Still?" You've been up here for almost two hours. I guess this is part of being a senior."
I couldn't help but smile at her. "Yeah I guess so." She sat on my bed, which meant she wanted to talk. I just twisted in my chair to look at her.
"Nicky I get the feeling something is wrong. Are you sure everything is okay?"
God. How do I tell her? How do I not tell her? She was leaning over a little bit, looking at me. I can't talk to her about this. It would kill her.
"Yes mom. I promise. I guess I'm just a little tired, we've been working pretty hard on the paper and the year book."
"Maybe you're working too hard?" She looked concerned. She looked at the books on my desk. Please don't go there! "No mom" I tried to keep the panic out of my voice. I had to have this to do. "I really enjoy it, it feels good to see all of this come together. It's not a bad tired, it's a good tired. Like I'm accomplishing something."
She watched my face. I could feel her eyes scanning me. I must have smiled at the right time because her face softened. "As long as you're sure you're okay."
"I am." She got up and placed her hand on my cheek. She kissed my other cheek. "I love you Nicky. Don't stay up too late."
"I won't." She closed the door as she left my room. That just made me feel worse, not only do I lie to her, I convince her to believe it. All she wants to do is talk to me and all I want to do is not talk to her because I'm afraid she'll figure it out. This happens more and more, instead of talking with her and dad I go to Mary's or come up here. Not wanting to talk about "it" and in the process not talking about much at all.
I went through my homework as quickly as I could. Alternating between Algebra III and looking out the window. Not even looking at anything. Just looking. I made myself go to bed around 10:30 after going downstairs to tell mom and dad goodnight. Back in my room again I didn't feel like sleeping but I laid on my bed. I started to think about Doug. Sometimes I wanted to ask him why me, what did I do? Sometimes I felt sorry for him, and I don't even know why. I hated him for that. He never once talked once he started touching me, but before and after he would. Once on the way back from a movie he had asked me when I would quit school and marry him. That was just a little while ago, and that scared me. Did he think this was something other than what it was? Was he serious? Or just playing mind games with me. Him asking me that was almost as repulsive as anything else he had done to me. I sat up on the bed.
No comments:
Post a Comment