I met up with Mary after school. We managed to walk home and talk about anything but me. I felt terrible having told Mary anything at all. I knew it was causing her problems that I made her promise not to tell her mom. At her house we went inside and had ham and cheese sandwiches and iced tea. Finally she said it.
"Nicky I wish you would let me tell mom about you."
"What about me?" I smiled at her, but she wasn't smiling back. "I'm kidding. It's over Mary. There isn't anything to tell now."
"You know better than that. It isn't over because he doesn't touch you anymore. It doesn't take away everything that he did to you, and it doesn't replace everything he took from you."
"Mary....sometimes I wish I hadn't told you." I didn't want to look at her when we talked about this. I didn't want to talk about this. When I glanced up at her instead of peering intently at my plate of sandwich crumbs I caught the pained look on her face. Quickly I reached out to pat her hand. My hand hung there for just a second then I withdrew my hand. Without ever actually touching her. "Don't take it that way Mary. What I mean is I feel bad that I told you all of this and now you feel like it's your place to take care of me. I am okay. I told you because just saying it to someone else was the help I needed. I don't expect you to change anything that happened. I never expected that. And when I told you, I never thought about how it might change how you think about me."
She thrust her face forward "I haven't changed how I think about you. But I feel helpless when I think about what you're going through."
"Went through" I corrected her. "That's part of what I mean. I didn't expect anything from telling you. And what's worse, I never meant for you to feel helpless. I didn't do you any favors by telling you."
"I don't know what you're thinking right now Nicky but you are my friend. And you can tell me anything you want. And it's only natural that I would want to help you. And I can't because I've been respecting what you told me and asked of me. So I also feel as your friend I should tell you that I think you are making a mistake by not telling your parents."
"You should have seem them this morning when they were talking about Curtis. I can't imagine how they would act if it was me."
"You don't have to imagine. You tell them and find out."
"Dad would probably kill Doug. Or have a heart attack. Mom would go ballistic."
"Then let them, give them that chance. It's not your job to protect them."
Without meaning to sound so loud I jumped on that. "Yes it is! It is my job! there isn't anyone else to protect them. If I told them than everything would change."
"Everything as they know it isn't real Nicky! They think they've provided you with a safe life. And you aren't giving them the chance to do that!"
"They can't now anyway, so what's the point?"
"If nothing else, than to put the prick in jail, get him out of your life. It's not right Nicky!"
"Jail? He's like a brother to dad. I couldn't see him in jail." Jail? Doug? Dad would be heartbroken. So would Grandpa. Grandma would never forgive me. Mary's eyes were large, and incredulous.
"Yes jail. What do you think he should get, a trophy? A brother to your dad? Your dad has brothers, he doesn't need Doug!"
"Shit Mary. Nothing can ever be right again. There isn't anything we can do to change that. Nothing. There isn't a perfect life to be had." This was getting way to ugly, or real, and going no where. "Look Mary, I knew this was going to happen. I didn't ever tell anyone because I didn't want to spend my life talking about it. It's over. And that's what I needed to happen."
I wish I could have read everything in her face then, and everything she was thinking. But we both knew we were going someplace with this that I didn't want to go. Didn't want to deal with. And she knew I should. In all honesty, I knew it also, but still, I didn't want to. "Nicky, I wish I could talk you into telling somebody, somebody who could help you. But I guess all I can do right now is do what you think you need and what you ask. If you want to talk, you know where I am. If you want to have fun, you know where I am. If all you want is to be around somebody who won't expect anything but understands you just need to be there, you know where I am."
Grateful for all that she didn't say I knew this was a 'hug your friend moment'. But she knew that would not happen. All I could do was say "thank you". Quietly. And that was more than I wanted to say. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to be around anyone. This thing separated me from everyone else. I went home. It's hard to live in a world full of people when you don't want to be around them.
Dad was home, early.
More of the same. I live my life but everyone else's expectations. I didn't want dad to be home. I didn't have the energy to talk to people. I needed my energy to deal with what was always in my head.
I went to the kitchen where he sat reading the paper. I was afraid to say anything because of the discussion this morning about Curtis. I wanted to be up in my room. Door closed. I was always weary of what other's wanted, even by way of discussion.
He must not have wanted to discuss it either. We didn't say much more than hello and how's it going. And when mom got home they didn't discuss it either. I got the feeling they were both mad, but more at the situation than at each other. They were both passive by nature. In my opinion dad's reaction was a little startling, mom's seemed par for the course. Mom and I made dinner together which I think she enjoyed. I guess I did too. But I couldn't wait to go upstairs and be alone. It wasn't that I wanted to be away from them, I just wanted to be by myself.
My focus was shot. The only thing I could get into heavily was thinking about Doug, and the past. And it was my past. So why did it sit right in the front of my head where all of my other thoughts and concerns had to go around it. I had to make a conscious effort to stop thinking about Doug and everything associated with Doug to think about or work on anything else. Stop thinking about it and pay attention to what Mary is saying. What is mom saying. What did dad just ask? What was the answer to problem number 17? What was I suppose to do? When was I suppose to do it? Every day, all day, I had to make myself pay attention to my life. So it was a big relief to go upstairs at the end of every day and be able to stop struggling at thinking. Just let it happen. Don't fight it. Odd as it sounds, there was comfort in being alone, even if all I did was think about what I hated most.
Even when I wasn't thinking about "it" there was comfort in not having to think about anything.
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