"I'll take this to my house. Just come down when you're ready Nicky." Why did she do that! I tried to give her a look as she headed out the door. Mom and dad sat down. Mom next to me. Dad in his recliner.
"Are you okay with staying at Mary's this long?" Mom patted my knee. I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable with that. But I smiled as I stared at my knee. It was the little things that bothered me. Someone trying to comfort me. Or treat me like I was a child. Even when I was very young, it bothered me. Annoyed me. And I would have to act like it was 'normal'. When to me it was anything but.
"I'll be fine mom. You guys don't have to worry about me. You know I'll be okay there."
"Of course you will. I think you've spent just as many years at their house growing up as you have here." Dad liked that. The life long friendship thing. I just hoped he didn't compare me and Mary to him and Doug like he use to do. Thankfully he didn't.
"You're okay with us going without you aren't you?"
"Yes mom." It took a lot of self control to not sigh and roll my eyes at her. Some times I felt irrationally, or maybe rationally, angry at them when they tried to parent me. "I don't think aunt Marie or uncle Rick need to worry about entertaining me right now. And you know they would."
"I'm glad you understand. I just wish we were going out for a different reason." She was trying not to cry. Criminy Curtis wasn't dead for heaven's sake. Without batting an eye I chastised myself. I can't believe I just thought that. I tired picturing Curtis, last time I saw him he was still roly-poly, dark hair, and so cute. Damnit. Now I wanted to cry.
"Come on Peg. It doesn't sound like Rick and Marie are falling apart. They certainly don't need us doing that. Sounds like little Curtis is even being pretty strong about this. We're just going out to be with them. You know we can still laugh. Which they probably need. And still feel good about being with them."
"I know I know...I just can't stop picturing Curtis and what happened..."
"Peg..." Dad didn't want her talking about it. Not in front of me. Sometimes I wondered if they realized how old I am. I go to school. I watch the news. I live. And...by the way...it happened to me.
"Well then..." I wanted to scream at both of them. Damnit both of you! I KNOW I KNOW...stop acting like you have to protect me. YOU CAN'T!!! I am not a child. I haven't been a child since that first time he touched me. I stopped being young. I don't need that now. It's too late to protect me! Instead of screaming out loud, it reverberated in my head. I smiled at them. "You know I'll be okay here. I hope everyone is okay. Please tell aunt Marie...." what? "Tell her something for me." Mom patted my knee again. Again my ire and irk went up. Though her pat on my knee was telling me she understood and would say something for me. Mom took it as I couldn't think of something to say. Only, I could. I could think of a hundred things to say, but why? It wouldn't help. That's for sure.
"I guess we better get started." We all stood up. I helped carry everything to the car. I let mom hug me goodbye. She kissed me. Told me she loved me. And hugged me again. Hard. Sometimes it was just hard to take. She got in the car and pulled tissues out of the glove box. I smiled at her. At least she smiled back through the tears.
Dad stepped right up to me and grabbed me in a bear hug. A hard one. And he surprised me. "Nicky I wish I knew what you were thinking. And one of these days I hope you trust me enough to tell me." He wasn't patronizing. It made me feel like he respected me. Like I wasn't that child. He pushed me back and held on to my shoulders, looking at me. "I can't read your mind Nicky. But I know you well enough to know there is something."
I smiled, genuinely, at him. "Geez dad, being a little melodramatic aren't you?" He didn't smile back.
"I love you Nicky. You behave yourself and mind Mary's parents."
"I will." He knew I would. Dad got in the car and watched as I walked down to Mary's. They waited until I was on the front porch before they left. I waved. I sat down. Mary came out and sat next to me.
"I'm glad you're here Nicky."
"Me too." It was here that I sat and thought, for the first time, maybe I should tell them. It was only a fleeting thought. A very brief thought. I put my elbows on my knees and my chin in my hands. Right now, I have to be with Mary. I don't want to be where Curtis is right now. I don't want to be where ever Doug is. I like where Mary is, I don't think I can ever fully be there myself, but I can visit. So I will be. But I look forward to not having to be where others want me to be, doing what others want me to be doing. But for now, I have to be.
So I did the best I could. There was comfort being with Mary. We shopped. Went to the movies. Talked about her date with Tim. And talked about that date some more. He called on Sunday night and to not make her feel like she had to get off of the phone to pay attention to me I slipped out of the house and sat on the front porch steps. It was dark, and it was kind of cold. But it felt good. I looked up the street to my house. I didn't have the yearning to be there right now. Like I had recently. Mary's family was pretty easy to stay with. Even with her brother Mark. I wasn't on edge. I wasn't worried about anyone calling or stopping by. I wasn't afraid of who was walking the halls in the dark. Or who was asking to do something with me. I was content to be at ease. Safe.
A car pulled up to my house. I couldn't see who it was until it pulled in the driveway and I could see the side of the car. It was Doug. I watched as he got out and went to the front door. Didn't he know we were gone? I knew he had a key. But he knocked. Waited. Knocked. Couldn't he see no one was there. I almost got up to go see what he wanted. Habit. Stupid habit. I sat. I didn't want to move and have him sense motion, or me. I sat. I did not move. He went back to his car, when he opened the door I noticed the back seat was full of stuff.
Dad didn't tell him they were leaving? I couldn't believe he was actually back. Maybe he wasn't going to stop. I completely froze. No, it was over. Because I won't let it happen. He probably expected mom and dad to be home, it was Sunday. But why is he there. How ballsy. Doesn't he ever wonder if I'll say anything? No. Because I haven't. I watched as he got in his car and left. Fire burned my face. Ice froze my brain. My body was coiled and tight.
For the next four days I went to school. Hung with Mary. Worked on the school paper and yearbook. Played family with Mary's family. Mary never brought it up. Not once. We stayed pretty close to her house after school doing homework and watching TV. Mary tried to convince me to wear makeup to school one day. She thought one of the boys in our government class liked me. When she saw I wasn't interested she let it drop. What she didn't know was that I wanted to be interested. I wanted so much to have someone like me. I wanted to know that, I wanted to do that. But then again, I didn't. What could there be? What could I share? I tried to be more aware of everyone in school, and everything I did. I worked, I tried hard to pay attention. I even tried to check out the guy who Mary said was checking out me. I tried. But then it didn't seem important. All I wanted to know is "am I going crazy"? I don't WANT anyone to know about this. What would they think of me? Would they try to picture what happened? Like mom did with Curtis?
I don't want anyone trying to picture this, when all I wish was I couldn't picture it.
Why is it that what I want is the exact same thing as what I don't want.
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