Who Will Understand?

I jumped up when I heard sizzling and we went inside to find the water furiously boiling for the corn.  We put the corn in the water and took the steaks out to put on the grill.  We were both quiet and, I am sure, thinking about our own reactions to what Tim had just shared with me.  As I was placing the last steak on the grill I heard a car pull in to the driveway at the side of the house.  I could tell it was mom's car and I yelled for her when the door slammed and she went in the front door.  She appeared at the back door and saw Tim so came out to say hello. 

"Hi Mrs. Roarke."

"Hi Tim, how are you?"

"I'm doing pretty good."  He smiled at her as she came over to look on the grill.  "What a wonderful surprise.  I take it one of those is for me."

"I thought you might like dinner without the hassle of making it."

"You must of read my mind from work today.  Dad may be a little late.  Are you joining us Tim?"

He looked at me, like I might care.  "I would like to.  That'd be great."

"I think I'll go in and change in to some shorts" she threw over her shoulder at us as she walked in the house.  

"So, you think this has something to do with how you feel about school?"

"I think it has something to do with everything I think."  I went back in to the kitchen and he followed me.  I put him to work getting the Texas bread ready and I set the table with dishes, silverware, salad dressing and steak sauce. 

I thought about that.  It has something to do with everything he thinks.  "Why do you say that?"

"Besides the things I learned from going to counseling i can just tell.  I don't feel like I 'think' like others.  I know I don't think like my dad, or my mom, or most of the friends I have.  It's hard to explain without going in to 'counselor' talk."

"You feel like that still?"

"Sure, and I think I always will."  Silently I went out the back door and he followed with the bread.  We put the bread on to toast and I turned the steaks over.  Of course everything he said I was applying to myself.  I knew these things about myself.  I just didn't expect anyone else to know about those feelings.  Before I could say anymore mom came out and sat with us.  Dad wouldn't be home for awhile so we ate without him but saved his dinner.  Mom talked easily with Tim as she did with anybody.  After we ate we all helped with the clean up and sat on the front porch where we had some shade to relax in.

Mom didn't seem to have anything else to do and Tim was content to sit and talk with the both of us.  Why on such a calm and easy afternoon did I feel such turmoil?  It didn't seem right that I knew about Tim and was willing to "pump" himfor information yet I wasn't sharing in return.  I made myself take a deep breath and pay attention to mom and Tim now.  There was no reason why I couldn't enjoy this afternoon with them.

And as I looked at Tim it occurred to me...he is like me.  He is sitting there 'being' normal.  But inside...what goes through his head at lightening speed while he talks to us.

He seemed relaxed.  And able to enjoy.  There was nothing ground shattering to this relaxing thing.  We talked about television shows, a couple of movies that we had seen and mom discovered she had once worked with Tim's aunt and had fond memories of her.  Mom had fond memories of everyone.  When dad came home we were still talking on the back porch, he and mom went in to fix his  dinner and he brought it out and ate on the porch with us.  It was fast approaching dark when mom and dad went inside. 

"You wanna take a walk? My backside is tired of looking at this chair."   Tim stood up and waited for me to answer.  

"Let me tell mom and dad."  I yelled in to the house more than actually told them we were going for a walk.  We walked down past Mary's house where no one seemed to be stirring.  We didn't stop but kept walking.  "Tim, how do you deal with what happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"I would think that you wouldn't be able to forget it and how could you think around in."

"Sometimes I can't.  Sometimes its the only thing I can think about.  When that happens I make myself figure out why it is I'm thinking about it and get done with it."

"I don't know what you mean."   It felt easy, talking and walking, in the dark.

"Okay...sometimes something will happen that reminds me of it.  Like a movie, or seeing a guy that looks like him.  Or seeing a kid who looks like how I use to feel.  It could be anything. I have to make myself discover what it is that reminded me of it hen I allow myself a little time to think it through then I make myself do something.  Anything.  Read a book.  Go talk to mom or dad or a friend.  Work on something like a model, which I love doing.  But....then there are times when I just find myself reliving it, rethinking the whole thing.  That's the worse because I don't always know what took me back.  And sometimes I have to let myself think about that also."

"You 'let' yourself relive it?  Why don't you just do what you said, make yourself do something else?"

"I try.  But when I can't figure out why I'm thinking about it then it's hard to come up with a way to fight it.  I discovered the best thing, for me, to is sometimes...don't fight it."

"Doesn't that bring you down?"

"It can.  But I learned a trick to this too."   He smiled at me with a look of pleasure that I didn't understand.  "When the worst happens and I can't stop thinking about it.  I try to take control of it.  I take it past the time when he molested me and go through the time that he was confronted, went to jail.  I don't let myself get stuck in that time thought. To stop there continuously  would keep me in a place I don't like to be.  I move right on up to now.  To everything that led to graduation and how great that felt.  Thought I don't understand dad I let myself remember how I felt when he was so angry that someone was hurting me.  And the comfort I took from his anger.   And...sometimes, if I can't stop thinking about it I tell myself there might be an answer to letting it go by not fighting the memory of it, and learning to control it."

We walked as he talked.  The neighborhood was cooling off in the dark.  He carries some of the same thoughts I do.  I want to feel like he does though.  I want that control over this.   Is he really this okay though?     "I would think that takes a lot of practice.  To be able to do that with your thoughts."

"I guess it does.  But when I need to do it, it works.  The nice things is it works with more than just 'that' stuff.  Bad days are a lot easier to deal with when you can get yourself to focus on something good."  We walked over to the next street and began circling around.

"It amazes me how people can control themselves.  I find myself zoning out and I don't feel like I have any control over that."

"I can't always prevent this stuff from happening, but once I realize I'm in a place that I don't want to be that's when I work at getting out of there."  He laughed at himself.  I found myself feeling good, even while talking about something so depressing.  "I am kind of surprised that you don't mind talking about this.  It makes most people uncomfortable.  Even if they try to say it doesn't, you can tell."

Is this my opening to tell him?  Does he need to tell and do I need to tell him?  What could it hurt?

"I guess it's because I want to know your answers.  How you deal with it."   I looked at him to see if he was hearing me.  His head was tilted towards me but he was looking intently at the ground as we walked.  I made a turn at the corner and he turned with me.  I wasn't heading to the house now, I was going someplace totally unplanned.

"I've only told one person but .... the same thing happened to me."  I looked to him for his reaction.  He didn't say anything at first, he dropped his head slightly and placed his hand on my arm.  We stopped walking.  

He turned to me but I couldn't look at him when he was looking directly at me.  Suddenly I was exposed.  I would be a different person.  Even to him who understood.  We stood there for maybe thirty or forty seconds.  Or years.  "Nicky...."  it was almost a whisper.  When I looked up he had tears in his eyes.  "I'm sorry that happened to you."  Immediately my eyes filled and over flowed.  He put both of his hands on my shoulders.   "It has stopped though?"  I nodded yes.  He held my shoulders firmly, tight.  "And look at you!"   He smiled, while tears still flowed.

I wasn't sure how to take that.  I am sure my reaction seemed more like shock than anything.   Because I was.  Shocked.   All I could think was 'look at me what?'

"You are okay!  You're going to be okay.  It will be okay."  My shoulders started to shake in his hands and I could feel my chin tremble.  Even when I told Mary I didn't feel like this.  From everything we had just talked about, I knew he understood.  For him to tell me I would be okay, it meant something.  Maybe I will be.  The pain, the confusion and all of the mental torment I lived with.  He knew and I didn't have to explain it.  "Can I hug you?"   I just nodded.  And he did.  I had the first initial reaction I always have when someone touches me, shock like an electrical jolt.  He knew this, he knew it wasn't easy for me to be hugged.  "It's okay Nicky, not everyone is going to hurt you.  I'm not.  I don't like people touching me either.  But I won't hurt you, I promise.   Not everyone touching you is bad. "  He nearly had to hold me up after he said that, and my insides broke in to pieces.  I could feel the tenseness in my arms and body relax as I let him hold me up while I cried. 

He pushed me off of him and looked at me after a few minutes.  Another smile.  "I wish I was a true gentleman and had a handkerchief to offer you...but I don't.   Let's sit down."  He guided me to the curb and we sat on the curb with our feet in the street.  Fortunately  we lived in a quiet suburb and the chances of our feet getting run over were pretty slim.  I couldn't talk yet.  I noticed some children playing outside of a house a little further up from where we sat.  I noticed the lights on in the houses.  The darkness around us was soft, soft like it can't be during the day.  There were porch lights on.  Night noises you could hear through open windows, like a humming of the people talking, watching television and listening to music.  It wasn't really sounds that could be heard but a feeling of the humming.

The Worst Part of His Story

"You know Nicky, you don't seem too bothered to talk about this."

"If you don't have a problem talking about it, I'm okay with it.  But why did you want to talk to me?"

"I don't know, I really don't.  I just got the feeling it would be okay to talk to you."

"Why not Mary?  You two seemed to get pretty close this last year.  You never told her?"

"No, I never told her.  Maybe the fear of scaring her off.  I don't know.  It's not like I tell everyone I know about this.  This is the first time I've told anyone since I started high school.  I guess I'm always worried about what someone might think.  Would they think I'm telling them because I want pity, or sympathy?  They just don't understand that sometimes I need  to talk about it.  Just like anything else that happens in your life.  Not talking about it doesn't change it or make it go away.  Not that talking about it makes it feel better, or different."  He shrugged his shoulders and like many people do when they cant find the words to empty their thoughts he muttered "I don't know."

"It makes sense to me that you need to talk about it.  I don't think there are many people who will look at it the same way though.  It's pretty difficult for people to hear, to talk about."  He is echoing my thoughts.  My fears.

"Why doesn't it bother you?"

"I don't know".  I felt guilty.  Do I tell him to make him feel better?  Why would telling him make him feel better?  Just to know I really do understand what he means, how he feels.  Maybe telling him, and letting him know that someone else really does get it.  Do I tell him?   "I don't know if I would feel comfortable talking about this with just anybody."   I totally understand being selective.  Fearing how someone will react.

"I've been wanting to talk to you.  I don't know why.  Maybe because I didn't think you would judge me, or feel sorry for me."   

"I wouldn't say I don't feel sorry for you.  Maybe you don't want to hear that.  But I'm not happy this happened to you."  I stressed the word 'happy'.  I looked at him for understanding, he smiled.  He understood.  "I understand what you mean about just needing to talk about it, just like anything else.  Good things, bad things, they are better or made easier by sharing I guess.  I feel sorry for your dad."

"Why?"

"I would think it would be pretty difficult for a parent to hear this has happened to their child and then have to deal with the guilt of feeling like they hadn't protected their child."

"But I don't feel like that.  I don't blame dad, or mom.  Only person is to blame for this.  I wish dad could understand that."

"What does your mom feel...think...say."

"Who really knows.  I think she wants to be emotional and crazy about it but she kind of follows dad's lead.  It's time now to put this behind us and worry about what we need to do for the future."

I looked at him as he changed his voice making that comment.   "Is that your dad talking?"

"Yeah."  Quietly we sat.  I wanted to ask how he told his parents, how did they find out.  Did he tell?  Maybe he didn't.  I was afraid he would think I was being curious just to be nosy.  When did all of this happen?  How did he get through every day?  Did he think about it, not think about it.  WHAT went through his head.

I felt the exhaust fumes building in my chest  He said I could ask him anything.   "Tim I hope it's okay to ask you think but if you don't want to talk about it I understand."  He visibly held his breath.  He thought I was going to ask details.  The physical stuff.  I hurried since he didn't say no.  "How did you tell your mom and dad?"  Instantly he let go of his breath and looked at me, we had been staring at the back yard most of this conversation.  We now locked squarely on each other's eyes.

"Uh...that's odd."

"What?"

"I don't know.  I guess of all of the questions I expected, it wasn't that."

"Oh, well, I guess I just wondered how you, or why you..."  I felt myself stumbling awkwardly.

He stared at me for just a second.  Then he turned to look at the yard.  I did the same.  "Well, it happened a lot.  I remember being so scared all the time.  Scared of everybody and everything.  I was scared to be alone and I was terrified of being with people.  I remember how I felt that night I told mom.  It was the worst feeling and I don't think I could explain it to anyone.  Dad wasn't home.  I think mom knew something was wrong.  I also think she was scared to find out.  I don't know that, I just guess at that.  Anyway, we were watching TV and the lights were out.  Mom was sitting on the couch.  I was sitting on the floor close to her feet.  I wanted to be close to her, but I didn't want to be close enough to touch her.  Isn't that weird?"   He looked at me for a second and I gave him a little smile, he didn't want an answer.  But my answer would have been 'no, it's not weird at all'.   "I don't remember what we were watching.  Everything was going over and through my head.  I thought nothing could be worse than what had happened so if mom and dad got mad at me at least it would still be better than what was going on.  I felt like the house was shaking all around me.  And my insides were on fire.  Mom said later she could feel me shaking even though we weren't close enough to be touching.  She got down on the floor next to me.  She thought I was sick.  She touched my forehead to see if I had a fever.  As soon as she touched me I thought I was going to go in to spasms.  I think I freaked her out."   He stopped for a minute.  Surely he was reliving that again and I felt bad for asking.   This had to be one of the worst moments of his life, the fear of telling, of becoming....different to them.  "Instantly she just pulled me to her and held on and I started crying.   She started crying.  I couldn't talk for a few minutes but finally....I told her."  He stopped to look at me.  He looked away when I didn't look back at him.  I couldn't.  My own eyes were full. "Sometimes I wish I had never told."

Now I did look at him.  "Why?"   I know I had needed desperately to talk to someone, it's why I told Mary.  And I often regretted telling her, for my sake, and for hers.  

"I use to think that no matter what happened to me, I could deal with it.  But there were times when I didn't think I could handle what it did to mom and dad.  I mean, I'm glad I told them.  But there were times when I would have given anything to take it back so they didn't know."

"Why?"

"There was nothing I could do to help them.  Nothing.  I'll never forget hearing mom come in to check me every night.  Two or three times a night.  I think she still does sometimes.  The worst was when I would hear them crying.  Both of them.  And they were crying because of me."

"They didn't blame you."

"I know that.  I understand why they were crying but doesn't make it any easier when a ten year old boy hears his mom and dad crying.  I think it was worse than anything that happened before or since.  Court was pretty bad though."

"Court?"   He looked at me in surprise at my exclamation.

"Yeah, mom and dad pressed charges."  

"You had to go to court?"  

"No, the guy plead and spent less than a year in jail.  He didn't even go to prison.  Just jail."  I couldn't imagine going to court and telling people what had happened.

"Is he still around here?"

"No, he wasn't from around here.  This happened before we moved here.  After everything was over dad thought it was best that we move away because this guy wasn't going anywhere when he got out.  His family was all over the place."

Not Too Bothered To Talk About It

It was almost noon before I woke up.  Another weird time to wake up.  I made my bed and wondered down to the kitchen.  Mom had left me a note saying she hoped I would be there for dinner so they could hear how the party had gone, but if not leave them a note telling where I would be.

Maybe I should make them dinner.  They would like that.  I rummaged through the freezer and found some steak and laid it out on the counter to thaw.  Mom hated when I did that but she would be tickled that I made dinner for them so it all evens out in the end.  I checked the fridge for the makings of a salad and found plenty.  Corn on the cob sounds good, I should go to the store and get some.  I heard my phone ringing from some where, probably upstairs where I left it.  By the time I found it I had missed the call.  And I had two messages.  One from Tim wanting me to call, one from Shaun wanting me to call.

After getting dressed I was getting ready to leave when the house phone rang.  I almost let it go but picked it up.  

"Hello?"   

"Hi Nicky, it's Tim."

"Hi Tim."

"What are you doing?"

"I was just leaving to go to the store to get some corn on the cob.  I thought I would cook on the grill for mom and dad.  What's up?"

"Not much.  Kinda bored really.  Was going to see if you wanted company."

"I don't mind.  Want me to pick you up?"

"No, I've got dad's car."    We arranged for him to just meet me at my house when I got back from the store. I couldn't help but wonder what and why Tim wanted to come over for.  To coach me on what to do and say about Shaun?  I hope not.  Did he expect me to call Mary and see if she wanted to come over?  He didn't seem to be bothered by what Mary told him the night of graduation.  Or was he?  Would I have noticed?  I bought some corn and strawberries and Texas bread that I thought would taste great toasted on the grill and buttered to eat with the steak.

When I got home Tim was already parked in front of the house.  He met me at my car as I stopped in the driveway and when I got out he reached in and grabbed the groceries.   We went inside and he chattered away while I put the food away and washed the vegetables to make the salad.  We sat down at the table together and he started to cut radishes and celery.  I shredded carrots while he talked about starting college in the fall.

Suddenly he became very quiet.  I really hadn't had to say very much as he had obviously needed to come and talk.  I just needed to listen.  I looked at him because it was one of those moments when you knew something just wasn't right.    "I guess I'm kind of scared Nicky."   He concentrated entirely too much on the little radish under his knife.

"About what?"

"Going away I think.  I know I should be looking forward to it but I wouldn't mind staying at home and continuing high school for a few more years.  Maybe even forever."  It's not that I felt his statement was all that odd.  I sometimes thought it would be great to hide in high school forever.  It would be so easy to keep everything the way it was.  I managed.  Iknew I could get through it like I had since I began school.  The automatic pilot had worked well in high school and I was scared it wouldn't when I went to work and started taking college courses myself.  But I didn't expect this kind of feeling from anyone else.

"Did you tell your parents?  Maybe you could go to school here and stay at home for awhile."

"I wish it was something I could tell my parents about and know they would seriously consider it.  But it isn't.  This is what they think I want and to tell them differently they wouldn't understand.  Mom might want to, but dad wouldn't, and mom would follow his lead.  She thinks he knows best about future plans and all things that concern me."

What do I say?  I wasn't use to discussions of this depth with anyone but Mary.  But he came to me.  And this is about him.  "What would be so bad about going to school here?"

"It's not just about the school it's self.  There's a time when we all need to deal with our own problems.  And this is my time."

"What does that mean?"  I grinned because it didn't really make any sense.  He smiled back.  It sure wasn't a happy smile.  More of a sad twist of his lips.

"Are you okay talking to me about this?  I mean I just showed up and started blathering about all of this."

"I don't mind.  I know what it feels like sometimes, to just want to 'blather'."   This time he smiled for real.  We continued making the salad.  All of the vegetables were sure getting a very conscious effort while we struggled with this conversation.

"All right then.  I really don't have a problem talking about this.  But with people who don't know, it can be difficult.  People who know don't want to talk about it.  And THEY aren't comfortable with me talking about it."  I was getting a little nervous, my chest was feeling a little like I had swallowed five lungs full of exhaust fumes. "I was molested."  He breathed deeply as if that statement relieved that same feeling of swallowed exhaust fumes from him.  "I don't expect you to say anything.  And I don't want you to be sorry for me.  Sometimes I need to get this out and sort it out because not talking about it keeps it cluttered in my head.  Does that make sense?"

"I think so."  I busied myself by getting up and putting all of the salad vegetables in the salad bowl and tossing it with a little water.  I put it in the fridge.  I pulled the foil out of the drawer.  "Let's go outside and get the grill ready."  He obediently followed me out.  Probably wondering how heartless could I be.  Not saying anything. We were both quiet while I uncovered the gas grill and placed the clean foil on the grill.  I turned on the propane tank and then the burners.  Everything was ready here.  I stared at the grill.  He stared at the grill.

Very quietly he said "maybe I shouldn't have told you."

"No, it's okay.  I just don't want to say the wrong thing."   I really didn't.

"You can't say the wrong thing.  You can ask questions.  You can tell me you don't want to talk about it.  Whatever...."

"I don''t need to ask you questions.  And I don't think you need to answer them if I did.  It sounds like there are other things you want to talk about...regarding this.  Things other than what curiosities others might ask you."  We stood staring at the grill.  "If you want to talk to me.  I'm right here."  His shoulders slumped, slightly.   Since we were avoiding looking at one another it was more of a perception than me seeing it.  I knew how scared he was to say that out loud to someone and then wonder what their reaction would be.  "Honestly, I also talk better when I am doing something so you have to work with me to get this dinner ready for mom and dad."   I wanted to encourage him to talk, I was afraid of what he would say, I was afraid I was letting him down.

We went in and brought out the corn on the cob and a trash bag and sat down to husk the corn.  There was silence for a few minutes.  I didn't know whether to tell him I understood.  Did he already know?  Would Mary have told him?  I didn't think she would.  But I don't think I would have blamed her.  It wasn't an easy thing to know about someone and not discuss it to try and make sense, and understand it.

"Does Mary know this?"

"No.  It seems to make people very uncomfortable if they know something like this about you.  It's weird.  Because I don't feel uncomfortable talking about it, but those listening?  They do."

"Why do you say this is the time for you to deal with your problems?  What does that mean?"

He shifted his head as if to see his thoughts more clearly.  "It's time that I don't let this rule my life anymore.  That's what dad thinks anyway.  He doesn't understand why something that's in the past should still be affecting me.  He thinks I should be able to get past it."

"Why does he think that?"

"I don't really know why dad thinks anything that he thinks.  I think he kind of blames me."   He shook his head.   "No..no."  I jolted slightly at that but before I could react he said "that's not right.  It's more like he's disappointed in me for it having happened to me.  Like I'm damaged or something.   I dunno.  I can't really explain in."

"I'm sure he hurt for you Tim."

"Oh, I know that.  When he found out I thought he was going to kill the guy.  He was angrier than I have every seen anyone.  And I didn't feel like he was angry at me then.  Actually I felt so protected by his anger.  I knew no one would hurt me again.  Not like that.  I felt safe because he was so mad and out of control.  I don't know how much sense that makes.   And... I think now, he's maybe bothered by any disappointments he may have in me...he blames on what happened to me.  Like...if that hadn't of happened, how would I be different."

I didn't have to say much.   But he's saying out loud a lot of stuff that sounds familiar.   "Why ... I mean, did he say that?"

"It's hard to explain.  No, he didn't say it.  It's just how I feel."   He was ripping the corn apart pretty good.  "I think if given the chance he would physically hurt the guy who did it.  Even now.  But over the years he has changed.  Something has changed.  I know he would do anything for me, and he has.  That's one of the reasons I don't want to tell him I don't want to go to an out of state university.  He really believes that is what I need.  To get out on my own."  He chuckled and glanced at me "even though he's supporting me.   The idea is to get away.  Leave here.  Have something new to look forward to so I won't have to hang on to the past."

"Does he think leaving will make you forget?"

"Maybe.  He doesn't really understand the ramifications of all of this."

"Did you guys go to counseling?"

"They made sure I did.  That's the first thing mom and dad made sure of.  They hauled me off to a counselor who I saw for almost two years.  They didn't want this to mess me up forever."

"Did they go?"

"Only when the counselor called them in to talk about my progress.  Dad didn't understand why he would need counseling.  It didn't happen to him.  And as long as I was taken care of he was happy."

"So what happened?"  I still didn't get a clear picture of his dad, and nothing of his mom.

"In counseling we talked a lot about how this affects others.  Not just me but parents and friends, stuff like that.  I think dad has just kept this in for so long and has gone over this in his head over and over again.  And, he keeps seeing me.  What happened to me.  My guess is he hasn't dealt with it very well."

"Do you guys talk about it?"

"No, not really.  Sometimes its mentioned but there isn't any talking about it anymore."  We finished husking the corn and carried it in to wash it off and put it on the stove to boil.  I was too lazy to grill it now.  We got some pop out of the fridge and went outside to sit on the back steps.

It's Not Who I Am!!

I couldn't help but smile.  "That's funny.  Because what does that mean?  Even if this hadn't been happening to me our ideas of fun still wouldn't be the same.  If this hadn't of happened to me and I still felt more comfortable being at home, being alone, doing quiet things and not being around crowds you would just think I was quiet and shy.  Maybe I would be completely different.  Maybe not.  But I don't have the luxury of knowing that.  And honestly?  I like who I am.  I think I'm a decent person with good values and simple, reasonable, ideas about life.  So bad things happened to me.  Sometimes I'm tortured by it.  Other times, I'm not.  It isn't something that you and I have to let rule us every time we get together."

"It's hard for me to forget."

"I know."   We were both quiet.  "I regret telling you for that reason.  How it makes you feel.  But I will promise you something if you take me for my word and trust me."

"I trust you."

"Good, then know this.  If there is a time that I can't deal with this, that I can not live with this, I'll let you know.  That's a promise I am willing to make with you.  If you will believe it.  I have never gotten to that point before. I don't see it happening.  If I need help I will ask for it."

"I want to believe that."

"Then do.  This isn't a soap opera.  It's my life.  Yes I have down times.  Who doesn't?  I've seen you when you aren't happy.  You don't act any different than when I'm not happy.  You get through it.  I get through it." She was quiet.   "I am so tired.  Just trust me Mary.  I'm not going to tell you about this and drag you into it then to just lie to you."

"I don't think you're lying to me.  I just hope you can recognize when you might need help, because you haven't.  Up until now."

"But that's your opinion.  I think I didn't tell because it would have been harder for me to deal with my parent's pain then it would be to deal with my own."  She shook her head in disbelief.  "I think that's my choice Mary.  I'm dealing with now, and now I am not telling my parents.  Now I'm safe.  I can say no.  I can be safe.  I don't know what I am going to do about this next week or next year.  But for now I have to do it this way."

"It certainly is your choice.  But I don't agree with it."

"You don't have to."

"I know".   She opened the car door and got out.  She leaned in.   "Just remember your promise."

"I will."   She closed the car door and I waited until she went in the front door and closed the door behind her.  I went home.  Mom and dad were in bed.  I turned off the porch light and locked the door behind me.  As quietly as I could I took a shower and went to my room.

The night was very cool and felt wonderfully clean as I opened the my bedroom window to let it in.  I sat in the dark and looked out the window.  Will I ever go through a day when I don't have to deal with this?  A day when I am so wrapped up in work or play that I don't analyze everything I think and feel.  Where everything I think and feel isn't about 'it' or influenced by 'it'.  What kind of day would that be?  When will that day be?  Mary struck a nerve talking about other kids he could be doing this to.  

He wasn't.   He couldn't be.  I was safe for him.  There wasn't a risk of me turning him in.  That had to be obvious to him after the first few times.  I wonder how scared he was?  Or was he at all?  Was he capable of feeling fear?  Or was that part of the excitement for him.  I shook my head as if I could shake the thoughts of him right out of my mind.  If only it were that simple.

It was so dark.  I felt so comfortable here.  Sitting on the floor where no one could see me but I could see out.  Not that there was anything to see.   It was just the idea of sitting here and looking out on this little part of the world and this little part of the world couldn't see me.  I turned my head to look at my room.  It was pretty dark but my eyes were adjusted to it.  Even without lights I knew every corner of it.  The books on the shelves, clothes in the drawers,  CD.s in their cases, the radio station on my alarm clock.  It was all where it needed to be for me.  I knew enough from Mary's mom's books and our talks that this could easily be an attempt at organizing my life in the only areas that I felt any control.  I knew that.  So what.  Whatever the reason, it made me feel better.   And there's no harm in that.

Crap.  I climbed up on my bed and carefully got under the covers.  There was no reason why I had to feel angry and frustrated.  So why did I?  The day with Shaun, Tim and Mary seemed so far away already.  The talk with Mary was pulsing in my head.  Or rather, the feeling from that talk.  WHy do I have to be responsible for what Doug does?  And why in the hell do I have to tell the world what happened to me?  Mary would love to see me go into a support group and tell my story a hundred times and listen to a thousand other stories.  That wasn't for me.  If ever I was to talk to anyone it would be one on one.  I couldn't stand the looks from people, the pity, the curiosity, the sadness.  No matter what Mary said, it would all be there.  I know.  I've done it myself when I hear of something terrible happening.  All the questions that go through your head.  I can completely imagine details, or pull them from my own memory.  But the questions still flash through people's heads.  No one can tell me different.

But the worst part.  I don't want anyone comparing me to everyone else.  There is not a "group" that I would belong to.  Because this happened to me, I am not like others who this happened to.  It's not a membership.  No one can know me because of this that happened to me.  It's not who I am!

Damnit Mary.  Why do you keep pushing this?  I felt my arms so tense by my sides.  Fists clenched.  Forehead drawn tight.  Slowly I made every effort to relax.  Loosen my hands.  Soften the death grip my forehead had on my eyebrows.  Again, like hundreds of times before I saw my parents as they discovered this.  I could see mom's face and dad's hands.  After yesterday I couldn't help but picture grandma too.  Mostly how I pictured their reactions depended on whether I was feeling secure or not in my life.  At least with mom and dad.  For some reason with grandma I always picture her protecting Doug.  Which made me think maybe she had some sordid secret of her own.  That wasn't fair of me, but still, I couldn't help but wonder.

With grandpa it was different.  I always imagined his reaction as the same.  But it was different than grandma's.  I pictured him getting mad, at Doug.  No fear or pity from grandpa.  Just anger.  One thing I quickly learned after Doug started...... it never happened at grandpa's house.  Even when I was younger and Doug still lived there and I was visiting.  Not once did he do anything there.  I don't think it had any thing to do with grandma.  I always figured it was because he was terrified of grandpa.  That's an image I created very young and hung on to all of these years.  Grandpa was not an intimidating man.  He was tall, lean, non-threatening physically.  At least to me.  Maybe it had something to do with grandpa saving Doug from his own family.  Who knows.  Who cares.

My neck was hurting.  I regretted not asking mom to check in to one of those neck pillows.  I need to do that.  Tomorrow.  What else do I have to do?  Put some money in the bank.  Did Mary say she wanted to do anything?  I couldn't remember.  I just want to sleep.  I don't want to think about what Mary said.  I closed my eyes.  Where did today go?  I only spent the last hour of it talking with Mary about this again.  So why don't the other eight hours stick out?  Shaun's party.  Shaun.  Encouraging me with looks and little nods of his head.  Like he was a coach.  Why did he feel he needed to do that.  I wonder if Mary told him.  He just acted like he knew something.  Why is it I can lie here and think about Doug without even trying to and I don't want to.

When I would rather think about, maybe Shaun, and I can't have one thought about him unless I drag it through all of this other muck.

I was tired of fighting the thoughts, tired of thinking.  Finally I slept.  

It's My Choice, Right or Wrong

"I think so."  She wasn't very chatty.  She leaned back in the seat.  "I wish I had more feelings for Tim."

She was quiet for a few seconds.   "I just think he's so nice.  And you know that word is very underrated in my book.  I can talk to him and I'm comfortable around him.  I just don't have strong feelings like he does."

"You can't help that Mary."

"I know, but that doesn't help.  I want to feel something for him.  I couldn't find anyone who is more perfect.  He treats me with....dignity.  You know how he is.  I don't ever feel bad when I'm with him.  Except for the guilt for not feeling the same way he does."

"You were honest with him.  You shouldn't feel guilty about that.  And you aren't using him.  That would be worse. I don't think you're someone  who is so insecure that you need to stay with someone just so you won't be alone.  You have to do what you think is right.  IF you didn't, both of you might miss out on something incredible down the road."  I felt bad for being upset with her.   She genuinely cares for Tim but can't fake feelings that are not there.   She's being honest.

"Yeah....but what if Tim is my incredible?  What if I am looking for something that won't happen, feelings that aren't real, that are just part of movies and bad books.  And then I miss this.  What if the real is that someone treats you decent, would do anything for you, someone you can be comfortable around just being your regular old self.  What if that is my incredible and I miss it?"

We were quiet, thinking about missing the incredible.  "I don't know for sure what you need to hear right now.  But I think you have to trust yourself.  If you don't feel this is the right thing, the incredible thing, then trust that.  And personally?  I think Tim will be fine.  He did okay tonight.  I think he can accept that you don't feel the same way he does.  Besides, I think we all have years to discover our 'incredible'."

She smiled.  "I don't know.  I think maybe you found yours."

"Shaun?"  I'm not sure what an octave is but I think my voice went up a couple of them.  "I've seen him twice. Once by chance and tonight.  I don't think that maps out my future."

"Maybe not, but you won't know if you don't let this have a chance.  Don't hide from it."  

I didn't want to get mad.  But her constant advising and counseling was aggravating as hell.   "Mary?  Let's not go there.  My entire future does not have to revolve around what happened to me.  And it doesn't have to be mapped out tonight."

She turned in her seat to look at my while I drove.   "Nicky I am not going anywhere.  This is a fact of your life.  And I can't help it if I 'go there'.  I worry about you and you know it.  I only worry so much because I  know what this can do to a person.  And you are denying that it is affecting you.  And yes, your entire future does revolve around what happened to you."

"I don't think I'm denying anything.  I can't forget what happened.  It's there and always will be.  But I am trying to get past it.  I don't need to remind myself of it.  And I know what it's done to me.  But I don't have to let it do anything more to me.  And when I do finally get a moment where it isn't screaming in my head at me? You bring it up."

"I don't think you are 'letting' it do anything to you.  There isn't an 'it' Nicky.  There is a person.  A cruel and sick person who is always going to be in and out of your life and you will pretend nothing is wrong.  You'll ignore it.  And you won't let those who should know.  So your world will always be affected by him.    And I bring it up, because it's there."

"I know what you're getting at.  But I don't see the point in telling my parents or grandparents.  It's over.  They can't change it.  The pain it would cause them would be senseless."

"What about you?  Where do you fit in?  You know your parents would support you. They wouldn't allow the bastard anywhere near you.  They would press charges.  Which is what should be done.  Who else has he done this to?  And what about your grandparents?  You can't stand going there because of the way they uphold his behavior.  Do you think they would support him over what he did to you?"

"Yes, grandma would.  And I don't think he's done this to anyone else."

"Oh Nicky".  She laid her head back in the seat and closed her eyes.  "Pardon the big words but that is disillusional on your part.  Why would you think he wouldn't do to someone else what he did to you for years?  And who is he hurting now, now that you've scared him?  Do you think he went away and is suddenly living a celibate, respectable life?  His sole purpose in life was only to do this to you?  This was all for him.  What he did he did for himself.  He didn't give a damn who it was.  Whatever his reasons he did this to satisfy himself and in the process control and control and control something.  It happened to be you.  But now that it's not you....it's somebody."

I wanted to scream....and every ounce of me was, inside.  "Don't you think I've thought of that?  I have.  Okay?   I have.  But I can't destroy my family I can't do this to my parents.  Do you have any idea what this would do to them?  The guilt they would feel?  The anguish they would live with for the rest of their lives?  I can NOT do that to them!"  I slammed my hand on the steering wheel.  "And don't tell me what I have to, or should, do.  This is ME."

She didn't respond immediately.   I wanted to look at her but didn't.  "Nicky I can't imagine what you're going through.  And I don't want you to think I'm preaching.  I just think that you ask yourself the same questions and you have some of the same thoughts I do.  And if this is what you are going through, and always will, what other little girl's life is now being destroyed?"  She hesitated.   "And I think you've decided your parents and grandparents can't handle this, unfairly.   They were, and still are, the adults."

"If I could do something Mary, I would."  I pictured a little girl, another little girl.  I didn't want to think of it because if I thought of it and agreed with Mary then aren't I as responsible for that little girl?  Then I pictured mom and dad.  I pictured telling them.  Like I had pictured telling them thousands of times over the years.  But I couldn't imagine their reaction.  Sometimes it was them coming to my rescue.  Sometimes it was them defending Doug.  Sometimes it was me being sent somewhere for 'help'.  Sometimes it was them not believing.  Sometimes there was nothing because I just couldn't conjure up this image.  I could not tell them.  I couldn't pretend it and I couldn't do it.  Some of the things I imagined bothered me more than not telling.  So I didn't tell.

"Mary I know this disappoints you.  But I can't tell them.  I can't.  I would like to think that this will go away.  I know you don't think it will.  But you can't tell me anything or preach anything to me that I haven't already told myself and beat myself up about.  I would like to think that I'm the only one he has done this to.  Part of me does believe that.  I have lived with this for my forever and I don't want to live with it anymore.  How am I ever going to get away from it if I tell my parents?  How will I ever live with the way they look at me and the way they feel?  How can I ruin their lives and then go about living?"

"How can you not tell them and live a lie?"

"I haven't lied to them.  I have protected them."

"It's not your job to protect them."  This time she slammed her hand down on the dashboard.  "It's their job to protect you!"

Her anger seemed wrong to me.  This was my anger.  "It's too late for that Mary and I can't change that.  They can't protect me now from what's already happened."  I pulled up in front of Mary's house.  I saw her mom look out the door, see it was us, wave and disappeared in to the house.  "God how did we get on this again?"

"Because it's never resolved."

I turned to her quickly.  "Resolved?  What kind of resolution do you want Mary?  I am glad, relieved, that Doug is gone.  It is OVER for me.  That is my resolution.  Do you want him hunted down and brought back so he can be confronted?  By who?  Me?  So I can relive it in all it's detail for my parents to hear?  For the world to hear?  So EVERYONE knows this about me?   The resolution you're talking about is to satisfy what YOU think would be resolved.   When I think it's MY decision."

Mary didn't budge.  She spoke quietly.  Without anger.  "Yes Nicky, that is what I want.  This isn't your shame.  It's his.  You should be free to be happy.  You shouldn't be carrying his guilt.  It's his.  All his.  I have known you my entire life.  I know what you've missed out on.  Maybe I didn't always know why or understand it.  But now I do.  It isn't right.  It's weird but all of our lives I always thought you seemed so old.  Older than me.  Older than our parents.  Maybe 'old' isn't even a good way to describe it.  But while the rest of us could laugh and be silly and enjoy the crazy in our lives you cringed at it.  You were apart from it.  And that's what is wrong here.  You are always going to be apart from us.  You will never let yourself belong because you feel that this is who you are.  Well, it isn't.  It is what was done to you."  Even softer.  "And yes, I do think everyone should hear what he did.  Because he should have to face the world looking at him, for what he did.  So you stop thinking the world is looking at you because of what was done."

Equally quiet, from me.   "All that may be true.  But right now this is how I am.  You aren't telling me anything I don't already know about myself.  There is no one who will ever be able to dissect every feeling I have better than I can myself.  But this is my comfort zone right now.  Do you remember in psychology when we talked about boundaries?   Personal boundaries?"

"Yep."

"Well I am very aware of my boundaries and they are right where I need them to be.  It's a comfort to discover things that help me realize what I am feeling and dealing with are normal.  Normal for what happened in my life.  You can not expect me to deal with this the way YOU feel is right for me.  Maybe someday I will talk to someone.  And maybe not.  But that is for me to decide and not you or anyone else."

She was very quiet.  We had locked on to each other's eyes.  Neither of us wanted to 'give'.  "I don't want to decide anything for you.  I am not that comfortable with this either.  I don't like not telling my mom, and I feel guilty knowing this when your parents don't.  I just want you to be happy Nicky."

Something Different Something New

"All right ladies I am ready to go and have fun.  I didn't think you would ever get up Nicky."

"Shaun said the same thing.  What time did you guys get up?"

"One."  From Mary.

"Twelve".  From Tim.  All right so I need more rest than they do.  I could feel a little tingle going up and down my spine as Tim told me where to turn and what to do to get to Shaun's house.  I don't know that I  liked that feeling.  It hadn't always been a preemptor to good things in the past.  All too soon were on Shaun's street looking for a place to park.  We had to pass his house and park what seemed a mile away.   Still too close for me.  I felt like I was shaking so bad the car must be rocking but no one else said anything.   Internal tremors then.

We walked to the house where people were standing about, every where.  People going in and out of the house, on the front porch, around the sides of the house, and in the backyard.  The backyard was very large and very pretty.  The landscaping included a small fish pond, rock garden, many flower gardens and for the day there were tables and chair every where.  Close to the house, on the patio was food and drinks enough to feed every body there and then some.

I know why I hate going to parties.  It's this part.  the part where you first walk in and don't know what to do or where to go.  Add to that that we didn't know a lot of the people there and they didn't know us.  Most of everyone kept looking at us, and everyone else, to try and figure out who we, and everyone else, was.  So I stood there with this 'I hate this part' feeling and wishing I hadn't come.

"Let's get something to drink."  Mary pulled my elbow.  We just left our pop in the car.  But it was as good a diversion as any.  Tim followed along, waving at somebody sitting at one of the tables.

We opened the coolers and found some pop we liked.  "While we're here we might as well get something to eat.  I haven't eaten since the party."  I just followed Mary's lead.  I hadn't eaten either and the food looked good.  We filled our plates and I followed Tim who followed Mary to a table.  We sat and ate.  Finally I started to feel a little less nervous.  Maybe it had been a sugar drop.  It's amazing what food can do for you.

"Do you know very many people here Tim?"

"Just the one's from school and Shaun's mom and dad.  I guess everyone else is family and friends."

"I feel like a party crasher."

Mary gave me one of those 'don't be a moron' looks that only friends can get away with but she laughed too.  "Loosen up Nicky.  We're only here because we knew you wouldn't come if we didn't and you are the only reason Shaun invited us."

"No sir."

"Yes sir."  I looked at Tim for confirmation and he shrugged and smiled and shook his head yes.  

"I don't think Shaun would have asked you if he didn't want you to be here."

"I'm not saying he doesn't want us here, I'm just saying he wouldn't have thought of it if he didn't want you to be here."  Mary looked at Tim and made it obvious she was rolling her eyes at me.

"Sorry Nicky, I don't understand why you have such a hard time with the fact that somebody likes you."  Tim said it quite innocently and I took it that way.  Until I could see and feel Mary tense up.  And coming from Tim it probably didn't make sense.

"Nicky is just very....." Mary felt the need to protect me but I cut her off.   If I hadn't of told her anything she wouldn't be going where she is going now.  

"I guess I just never thought much about it Tim.  I don't have a lot of practice with it so maybe that's why I'm so uncomfortable.  Or not use to it."   All truths.

"Yeah but I don't understand that either.  I mean your cute, your smart, your easy to talk to.  I would think this kind of stuff would be easy for you."   If Mary thought she could get away with it I'm sure she would have kicked him to shut him up.  Actually, what he said was pretty nice.  It made me feel good.  He thinks I'm cute.  And easy to talk to?  I think my face is starting to burn.

"You're pretty easy to talk to Tim.  Mabye being an only child has a lot to do with it.  I think I'm just quiet by nature and people take that different ways.  Some think I'm stuck up.  Or shy.  Or boring.  Whatever."

"Stuck up?  You?  Never."  Mary rolled her eyes again.  Sometimes I would like to poke her in the eye for that.

"Thanks Tim."  I didn't know what else to say.  Shaun suddenly plopped down in the chair next to Tim.

"Hi".  He smiled at all of us but caught my eye.  He is kind of a cutie.  "Thank goodness for curious aunts.  They were in the kitchen with mom and me and looking out the window asking who was who of the people they didn't know."

"I knew it" I smiled at Mary and she rolled her eyes.  One of these days.

"Don't worry.  Half of the people here don't know the other half, and that half?  They don't know the first half."

"See Nicky, we aren't the only ones who don't know everyone here."   Tim said it to reassure me, which just made me feel like Shaun would think I was an insecure dweeb.

"I see you got something to eat.   Want anything else?"  We all mumbled our "no's" but thanks anyway.  "I have to go make some rounds or mom and dad will be fuming.  You guys want to play some cards or something?  I'll get a deck and we can play when I get done."

We all agreed on that.  Shaun left.  Now what.  Time immediately got very cumbersome.  It seemed to just sit there.  We talked about the party last night.  Some of the same kids that stopped at our table at last night's party stopped by here at Shaun's.   Dejavue.  While I sat there half of me was talking to everyone.  Half of me was in a panic.  What am I doing here?  Why am I even pretending that I am comfortable with this?  I don't belong here, not with these kids, at this party.  I could feel the fear jolts in my spine.  It sure seemed awfully bright out there.  I looked at their faces.  Mary, Tim...those two girls from last night.  They were all smiling.  Happy.

I can't do this.  I can't pretend that this is me and that I am okay being here.  I don't know Shaun.  I don't know his family.  For God's sake I don't even know these kids I have gone to school with forever.  And they don't have a clue about me.  The girls left.  Tim went to take our paper plates to the trash and get more drinks.  

"Mary, I don't feel very well."  Mary looked at me.  She put her hand on my arm.

"No, Nicky, you are not doing this."  She spoke low and determined.  What did she mean?  

"I am not doing what?"

"You are not going to go home and sit there and hide from having fun."

"I don't that that's what I'm doing."   Damn her.  Yes I am.

"Really?  I don't believe you.  But if you are really sick then let's go.  If you are kind of sick, we'll sit here and take it easy and see if you feel better.  If not, we will go.  But if you feel better, then we can stay and play cards.  That's all it is Nicky.  Just cards."

I wasn't about to tell her she was right when she already knew it.  "Then let's move this table in to the shade by the garage.  Maybe I'm just getting too hot."

"Good."  We stood up and moved the table and chairs about fifteen feet back until we were in the shade of the side of the garage.  Tim came back with more cans of pop.  

"I'm glad you guys moved that.  I was getting kind of hot."  Mary sneered at me and indicated by the sneer that she knew that was not my reason.  I sneered back.  She grinned.  Soon Shaun joined us and we began to play euchre.   But first we had to teach Tim.  Which took forever.  After he got the general idea we started to play.  And talk.  We only stopped for bathroom breaks and to get more to eat while we played.  And Shaun's periodic circling of the crowd to please his parents.  Besides playing with mom and dad and Mary and her family I hadn't really played euchre with anyone else.  This was kind of okay.

Too soon it was getting dark and almost everyone had left.  We helped Shaun's parents fold up tables and chairs and load them in to the back of a pick up truck.  His dad was taking them back to their church.  His mom went with him.  We sat at the picnic table on the lighted patio.  We half heartedly munched on potato chips and vegie sticks with dip.  

It was getting pretty dark.  And it was cooling off.  Too cold for the shorts I was wearing.  But I didn't want to be the one to say this night was over.  I wanted to go home.   Because I was tired and this day had been good.   And I wanted to stay.  Going home meant going to my room, taking a shower, reading or watching TV.  Normal, routine, comfortable and predictable.  Staying meant not knowing what was going to happen, a little excitement at not knowing.  A little fear at not being able to predict.

The others looked so relaxed.  This was so easy for them.  Why?  I have to admit, this was nice, fun in the simplicity of it even.  But why do I dissect everything.  Why can't I just enjoy it without labeling everything and putting some kind of order to it?  Where did this heavy feeling pressing against my back come from?  It was so much easier to stay at home or at least stay in the familiar.  Going to Mary's house and being around her family didn't bother me like this.  But then again, going to grandma and grandpa's bothered me a lot. 

This is stupid.  God I'm tired!   That's all!  It is not something else.  Just say I'm cold and want to go home.  There is no hidden excuse in that.  And I am tired.  Just say it.  Or sit here and wait for someone else to come up with something to do or somewhere to go or something of anything.  Oh God I'm so tired I can't even keep my head up.  Sit here and wait for someone else to suggest something when I already know I want to go home and go to bed.  I didn't much feel like having Mary roll her eyes at me.  She's just going to have to understand that everything I do is not rooted in some deep psychosis. 

Shaun and I had managed to end up sitting next to each other.  Close enough I could feel warmth from him.  But it just was not enough to keep me warm.  I was trying not to let my teeth chatter.  I nearly screamed in my head because I didn't want to go.

But when you get this tired, there's only physical pain in trying to have fun and stay awake.

"I don't know about the rest of you, but I am sooo tired.  I think I'm ready to go home and go to bed."  To my surprise Mary jumped right on that and we were heading to the car within minutes.  Shaun thanked me for coming and I was a little torn at having to leave.  But I got the feeling he might of been just as tired as me.  I was greatly relieved to get in the car and head for my bed.  I turned the heat on, which is not something you normally need in June.  But it was a chilly night.  Neither Tim nor Mary seemed bothered by my readiness to leave.  After dropping Tim off I drove as quickly as I dared being so tired.

Mary was pretty quiet.  "Are you thinking about anything?"  She was leaning in towards the vents trying to suck in warm air.  

"Not really.  I had a good though, did you?"

"Yeah, I did.  Do you think Tim and Shaun did?"

Having Fun-I Can

I woke feeling the same feelings from my sleep, which were carried in to my sleep from the party.  I looked at my alarm clock.  It was almost three in the afternoon.  What an odd time to be waking up.  I lay there listening to the house.  Same sounds.  Everything felt so fresh.  That was a Sunday feeling.  I didn't want to move but didn't want to waste away the rest of the day either.  I got out of bed, made it, and changed into some shorts and a t-shirt.  Pulled my hair in to a pony tail.

Downstairs was empty.  I poured a glass of cranberry juice from the refrigerator and looked out the back door.  Dad was sitting in a lawn chair talking to mom who was sitting on the ground doing something with a potted plant.  I wondered out to where they sat.

"Hi".  They looked up and smiled that smile of accomplishment.  I had graduated and they still felt good about it.

"Hi.  We thought you might sleep all day."  I sat on the ground next to mom.  "You've had quite a few calls already.  I think everyone else you graduated with beat you by about three hours."

"What do you mean?"

"Mary called and so did that friend of hers, Tim.  And some nice sounding young man named Shaun called.  They would all like for you to call them AS SOON as you wake up."  I knew she was dying to ask who Shaun was.

"Oh".  I couldn't help but smile.  Inside and out.  That made mom smile and dad just looked at me.

He couldn't stand it.  "Who's Shaun?"  I caught mom throwing him a mother look and he just shrugged at her.

"He graduated, we just talked a lot last night.  He wanted me and Mary and Tim to go to his graduation party today."

"Are you going?"  Mom looked hopeful.  Like I said, I don't think I gave them much excitement in life.

"I was going to call Mary and see if she wanted to go,"

"You know where the phone is."  Dad was just a little too blase as he flipped his hand towards the house.  Mom threw a clump of dirt at him from the potted plant.

"Leave her alone Neil."

He looked indignant.  "Oh....and you haven't been out her for the last two hours painting pictures of who this Shaun is and their life together."

Mom blushed.  "I have not Nicky.  I was just curious as to who he was and if we know him."

"It's all right mom.  I'll go call him."  I got up and walked away but not before hearing mom start to lay in to dad about why he would say that to me.  Poor mom.   Poor dad.  They were too funny but it was kind of sad that they were this excited about a call from a boy.

I called Mary first because I wasn't going anywhere unless she went.  She asked why not.  She even asked if Tim might want to go with us just for fun so we hung up and she was going to call Tim.

I sat staring at the phone in my hand before calling Shaun.  I had never done that.  Call a guy.  A guy I kinda wanted to see.  A guy I felt kind of nervous about in a happy sort of way.  I could feel a nervous tremor in my hand as I started to dial his number from the note mom had left on the counter by the house phone.  He picked up on the first ring.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this Shaun?"

"Nicky?  I didn't think you would ever wake up!"

"Well I just did."

"Are you coming over?"

"I think so.  I think Mary and Tim are too if that's still okay."

"It's great.  When?"

"Well I still need to get dressed and pick up Mary and Tim and find out how to get to your house."

"If you're picking up Tim he knows how to get here.  Just dress casual.  Shorts or something.  No one is dressed up here."

I told him we would be there as soon as we all got ready.  While I was upstairs getting ready Mary came up.  She was sitting in my room when I came out of the bathroom.  She was wearing new shorts and shoes and looked as cute as could be.  I had on new clothes mom had picked up weeks ago but I had never worn.

"I think we look great Nicky.  Are you going to fix your hair?"  I had just rebrushed it and put it back in a pony tail.

"No, I like it like this."

"Okay, Time said he would be ready for us.  I kind of figured you would want to drive."

I smiled.  New car.  "Good guess."  We went downstairs and outside and told mom and dad our plans which thrilled them I could tell.  But I could also see them straining to not let me see that.

In the car Mary let me know that she had noticed.   "Your mom and dad sure seemed excited about you going to this party."

"I know.  Sometimes I feel like I've let them down.  Like I haven't given them enough, or much, to be excited about as parents."

"I would think most parents would like not having too much excitement.  I mean, thin of the anxiety parents must live with."

"I know.  But I mean good excitement.  Like me going to the prom or on dates or being on a team.  Stuff like that."

"I don't think you have anything to worry about.  You surely are not a disappointment to your parents."

"You don't think so?"   It was good to hear her say that.  Mary wouldn't lie to me.

"God no Nicky.  Your parents adore you."

"I know.  I just must be awfully boring to them.  You should have seen them when I got up and went downstairs.  They didn't even ask about the party they went right to Shaun's calling and couldn't wait for me to call him back."

"Well, it is kind of exciting.  I mean, even I'm excited about it."

"Why?"  I was taking my time driving to Tim's.  I felt like talking.  I wanted to know what everyone felt and Mary would do her best to explain it.  "Wait!"  I saw a drive thru and pulled in to it.

"What are you doing?"

"This is my first real drive somewhere in my own car, and we should go to our first drive thru in my car and get something to drink.  My treat."

"All right.  A case of beer."

"Get serious."

"It was worth a try.  All right, a root beer."   I ordered a rootbeer and a rasberry flavored water and a bag of pretzels, just to order something.  We went on our way.

"Okay, so why is this is exciting for you that Shaun wants me to go to his party."

"Nicky, are you serious?  I have never seen you go out with a boy, or even want to.  And NO I don't think you have to be with a guy to be happy, but I also think that you avoid doing fun things.  I think you would enjoy yourself."

"I don't think I avoid fun."

"I am not going to argue with you about that.  But, yes, you do.  How many games didn't you go to so you could stay home?  The same thing with dances, parties, just going out.  You would rather not do those things."

"That's not a bad thing."

"Maybe, maybe not.  I guess it depends on why you are doing it.  Or rather, not doing it."

I knew she meant Doug.  Or what Doug had done.  "I don't know Mary.  Maybe.  But I was more comfortable at home.  I am not all that comfortable around a lot of people.   And that is not a bad thing."

"Because you don't want them to know anything about you."

"Do you work with your mother or something?"

"She is pretty smart you know.  And I do like reading her books."

"We aren't all book cases you know."

"I know Nicky. I don't think for a minute that you are a typical case of anything.  I say what I say because I know you and what say comes from my heart, not any books I read."

"I'll buy that."   She smiled.  We were getting close to Tim's.  I didn't want to keep talking about this.  Mary did know me.  But no matter how well she knows me, she doesn't know everything.  Tim was waiting on the porch for us.  As soon as he saw us he opened the front door like he was yelling something in to the house and was in the driveway standing there waiting but the time I stopped the car by him.  He opened Mary's door and climbed in the back seat behind her.

Party To Sleep

"What time is it?"  We all looked at our watches.  New watches.

"Five fifteen."  In the morning?  I couldn't believe it.  I am very much off my schedule.  And I feel great.  Tired but relaxed.

"We can leave at six can't we?"  Mary wasn't having as much fun.  Or she felt bad about her and Tim.  

"I think so.  Do you guys want to go out to breakfast?"  Tim looked eagerly at all of us.  

Before I could answer Mary did.  "I am so tired you guys.  I want to go to bed."  She looked apologetic but...

"Sure" nice.  Uncomfortable pause.  "But I am hungry.  I'll be back."

"I'll go with you."  Shaun went with Tim.

"Are you mad about something Mary?"

She tried to look fake surprised.   "Me?"

"Yes.  You.   What's wrong?"

She slumped on to the table and talked in to the table cloth.  "I am just very tired and want to go to bed."  If she didn't want to tell me I wasn't going to demand her to.    "I just feel uncomfortable."   Still, to the table cloth.

"About what?"

"With Tim and everything."  We aren't really seeing each other now."

"So I heard."

"From who?"  She turned her head so she was looking up, with the side of her head on the table.

"Tim."

"I just don't want him to think this is serious.  I'd rather tell him now and not just go along with it so I don't hurt his feelings."

"He really likes you Mary.  His feelings will hurt."

"I know that.  And I like him.  But that's all.  Like...nothing more.  I don't want to hurt him Nicky.  That's what makes this worse. If he got mad or I didn't like him because he was a jerk or something.  But he isn't.  He is so ...gentle, sweet."   She left her head lying on the table.   Looking at me.

"Then let him be okay with this.  Don't be miserable about it.  He'll be okay.  You can be friends.  It isn't like you've been serious."

"I haven't but I think he was."

"Well...yeah, but I mean you haven't .... you know"   I really don't want to know this "done anything."

She closed her eyes.  "No.  Nicky.  We haven't."

"It'll be alright Mary.  We do you have to be uncomfortable around him.  That would make it worse on him."

"I know.  Maybe after I get some sleep I'll be alright."

Tim and Shaun came back to the table carrying a load of donuts and bagels.  We gorged.  Even Mary ate.  Mary wasn't the only one getting tired.  There were heads lying on tables and hanging back all over the room. The music in the corner was still playing.  But it was soft.  Slow music.  There were some die hards still dancing.

"Anybody have any big plans today?"  I felt like talking, even with my mouth full.

"Bed."  Mary had only one focus.

"Dinner with my grandparents."

"My family is having a graduation party for me.  You are guys are all welcome to come over."  Shaun was looking right at me.  

"Another party?"   I was liking the idea of bed.

"Sure, how often do you graduate from high school?"

"Don't you have to sleep?"

"I promised mom and dad I would come right home from here and go to sleep.  They really put a lot of work in to this so I figured I better let them..  Would you come over?"

Mary and Tim were both trying to make it look like they weren't watching me.  "Yes.  I would.  But I can't promise.  What time?"

"Since it's Sunday it's an early party.  We're starting about three."

"I'll try."  It felt good that Shaun looked pleased.   Maybe even excited.  But it felt scary too.  We sat quietly looking at everyone else around the gym.  It didn't look like anyone had left early.  And though I was tired and this was suppose to be the end of my high school experience I felt as if it was the first high school experience I had.  

Why is it, tonight, that I feel young.   For so long I didn't know what young felt like.   It feels like this?  It feels good.

There was a quietness, a hush, over all of us.  Everyone seemed to be aware of what this was.  It would be the last time that this group of people would ever be together like this.  Young.  Excited.  With unknown and undreamed of lives in front of us.

There was a group of girls on the dance floor in a big hug.  They were crying.  They were familiar faces.  But unknown people, to me.  Could I have been one of them?  I watched them.  I looked at others who watched them and I could see sad faces.  Faces that smiled.  Either because they looked silly out there sobbing or because they felt something kindred to those girls.  I glanced at Mary who's face was propped up on her hands, but she was looking at everyone else also.  Tim was looking at Mary.  Shaun was looking around the gym.

The song ended and the DJ announced he was playing the last song.  Of course it was "Auld Lang Syne."  Many couples got up to dance.  Many turned their chairs to watch, listen, sing under their breaths.  Mary got up and took Tim's hand and they went to dance.  I didn't want to dance.  Not to this.  It didn't feel right.  Shaun either didn't want to dance either or got a good feeling from me that I didn't want to.  He slid his chair right next to me and rested his elbows on his knees and his face in hands.  Watching.  Part of me wanted to reach out and caress the hair just touching the nape of his neck.  Part of me squirmed at the thought of doing such a thing.

The song ended.  Everyone stood or sat completely still for a brief moment.  Then someone flipped on the over head lights and nearly blinded us all.   Then everyone cheered.  We were now ready to be adults.  Or the so the world told us.  First, I think most of us wanted to go to bed.

Mary and TIm returned.  We all gathered our pictures, jackets, ties, purses.   Everyone made their way out to the cool air of the morning.  Tables were set up to hand back our car keys by alphabet.  Find your last name letter, get your keys back.  There were also little gift bags for each of us with mementos emblemazed with our school mascot, our year of graduation.  Nice.

Shaun walked us to my car.  "I hope you can come to my party."

Tim and Mary quickly got in my car.  They were so obvious.  "I'll try Shaun.  But I'm not sure what my parents have planned."

He hung his head a little and stared at his shoe, or mine.  "I'm glad I finally got to talk to you Nicky."

"Me too."  What do I say!  For crying out loud why can't I say something.....smart!  He stood there and stared at me.  A little unnerving I must say.  

"Well....okay.  Maybe I'll see you at my house then."  It was a statement not a question.  I smiled.  He smiled.  He backed away from the car.  I got in and he closed my door.  As we pulled away Mary and Tim started singing "kiss the girl" from "The Little Mermaid" and then Mary moaned.  Then Tim moaned.  

"What is wrong with you two?"

"Nicky that poor guy wanted to kiss you and you just blew him off."   Mary shook her head.

"He did not."  I looked at Tim in the rearview mirror for confirmation of this.  He shook his head yes.  "Yeah, he did."  I stared at Tim like he was a traitor.  "Sorry" and he shrugged his shoulders.  I was not going there with them.  Not right now.  I was too tired.  We chatted aimlessly until we dropped Tim off.  Then Mary tried to talk about Shaun, and I wanted to talk about Tim, but we were both too tired to really talk about either.  We agreed we really didn't need to talk right now at all.  Maybe later.  I dropped Mary off and went home.  Took a shower.  Went to bed.  I knew mom or dad, or both, were awake in their room.  But I was too tired and they didn't come out to ask so I didn't go in to tell them about the night.  It would also wait.

I lie in my bed with my covers neatly around me.  I stared at my familiar ceiling.  This night.  What have I done with my life?  Why did I wait until tonight to let something make me feel good?  I thought over the entire evening.  I felt comfortable with people I did not know very well.  How was this possible when I am not even comfortable with people I know?  I thought of the hug I gave Tim and Emmit.  WHere did that come from?  I don't even like hugging my parents.  All of the faces and the stories from the night swam through my head while I slept.

I think I slept.