Happier Day....?

What am I?  A virgin?  I tried to picture doing these things with someone who loved me.  Why would I ever want to do those things with someone I loved?  Dirty.  Disgusting.  Frightening.  I got up and got in bed, laying flat on my back, I straightened my covers around me and put my pillow under my neck.  I bet one of those pillows made just for the purpose of putting under your neck sure would help me sleep better.  I could never sleep a night through and my neck always hurts.  Maybe I should ask mom to get me one.

Mom....dad...I pictured them talking.  But not about anything like this.  I could not picture them hearing about this, or talking about this, or dealing with this.  They seemed so innocent, my parents...innocent.  Shouldn't that be the other way around?  Why did they seem so naive to me, and why do I feel so old?

The morning began with the same thoughts  I fell to sleep with, I think I slept.  While I dressed and did some light make up I looked in the mirror and promised myself to be a little happier today.  Starting with mom and dad at breakfast.  They were already sitting and talking when I walked in to the kitchen and started making toast.

"Good morning parents".  I smiled my most sincere, happy smile.  They returned the smiles and the good morning.  But they didn't keep talking about whatever they had been talking about before I came in.  I turned my head to look at them while I got apple juice out of the refrigerator and poured a glass.  "What's up with you two?  You're acting all secretive this morning."  They looked at me with those parent smiles that say 'we don't know what to say to you.'

Mom tried to cover with "you look very nice this morning, anything special going on at school?"

"Nope, it's just Friday, I guess most of us like to look good on Friday.  Don't ask me why."  I sat with them and started on my toast.

"Maybe it's because everyone is hoping for a date or something."  Dad looked pleased with himself.  He's probably right for the most part.  I smiled at his deducing.

"Maybe dad, I guess that could be the reason for some of my more desperate school chums."

"Maybe we should call them hopeful, dear, and not desperate."   Mom liked putting a nicer, positive, face on things.

"I think you're right mom."  I smiled at her genuine kindness.  We all ate silently for a minute.  "So what has you took all shook up this morning?"   

They did that parent thing, and parents seem to have a lot of these, where they look at each other and for a minute I thought I was going to get that 'oh nothing honey'  and watch them dance around their uneasiness act.  I did not.  Instead I got something I that I thought my parents didn't understand, couldn't comprehend, and would never be prepared for.

"I guess you're capable of understanding this sort of thing.  Horrible as it is."  Mom looked at dad for his just noticeable tilt of his head in agreement.  Sometimes they were too funny.  Too predictable.  "We had a phone call last night from aunt Marie" mom's sister "and I guess your cousin Curtis may have been..."  She obviously didn't know what to say, and her eyes started to tear up.  I looked to dad.  His eyes started to tear up watching mom.  I started to feel a little panic, a lot of panic at seeing them like this.  I couldn't speak.

"It seems that someone had been molesting him."  Dad turned red when he said it.  At first I thought it was embarrassment, but it wasn't, it was anger.  I pictured Curtis, he would be....ten I think.  Aunt Marie and uncle Rick must be frantic.

"Had been?  Did they catch him?  What happened?"  They had both managed to stop the tears before they actually cried.  But they both seemed pretty shook up.  For some reason, I felt somewhat calmer.

"It was one of his friend's father."  I wouldn't know who they would be talking about.  Aunt Marie and uncle Rick had moved to another state about three years ago.  Though mom and aunt Marie kept very close with emails and phone calls we only got to see them on major holidays.   "They just found out a  couple of days ago, Curtis came home from school and told Marie he needed to talk to her.  I guess they had had a program in school that day about good touch/bad touch.  Anyway, he just came out and told Marie that this other boy's father had been touching him and he didn't like it."

"You mean he just told her?"  I couldn't believe it.  My chest hurt.  Little Curtis, how could he just tell like that?

"Yes.  Thank God.  I guess it still happened quite a few times.  Now they're trying to decide what to do."

"Decide?  That's what I don't get.  There is no deciding.  They go to the police and charge the son of a bitch." Okay....startled doesn't cut it when I try to explain my surprise at dad's reaction.  Mom looked a little worn out as soon as he said it, I got the impression this must have been some kind of discussion between them.  We were quiet again for a minute.  "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell like that."  Mom reached out and touched his hand.

She turned to me to explain.  "I guess Curtis is asking them not to do anything.  Because of his little friend.  Marie isn't sure what to do, and of course Rick would like to create his own justice."  Way to go uncle Rick, was my first thought.   But I understood Curtis.

"I'm telling you Peg, if this guy was doing something like that to somebody' else's kid, don't you think he's doing it to his own kid?  Going to the police is probably the only way to protect the other boy."

"Neil" this discussion has been had before.   "I agree with you.  But I understand Marie and Rick's problem.  For heaven's sake they just found out, it's not like anyone has practice at dealing with this type of thing.  They need to do what is best for them, and they don't know what that is."

"I still think something should be done quickly.  How many kids has this guy done this to?  How many more if someone doesn't do something?"  Dad got up from the table and poured himself some more coffee.  I had never seen dad this angry, he couldn't sit back down he was so worked up.  "Curtis is only ten years old.  What the hell will this do to him for the rest of his life?"  None of us could answer that.  I didn't want the answer.  More silence.

I got up from the table.  The toast was gone, I finished my juice hoping it would help my dry throat.  I put my glass in the sink.  "I think I should go to school."  Dad hugged me and kissed me, but couldn't, or didn't, say anything.  Mom kissed my cheek.  I grabbed my backpack from the bottom of the steps and headed out the door.  I might be late, but I think this is a good day for walking.  As I was heading towards Mary's house she came out, she met me on the sidewalk.

"I've been waiting for you."

"Thanks.  Do you feel like walking?"  She shrugged an 'I don't care'.  I had thoughts and memories racing through my head.  Fog was settling over my brain and my intent to have a good day.

We walked in silence for a few mintues.  "Nicky?"

"Hmmmmm?"

"Do you think it's wrong to go out with a guy just because he likes you?"  We could do this.   Start a conversation like we had been talking all day.

"No, I mean, you're just going out.  It's not like you're making a commitment.  It's a date.  That's what dates are for.  To find out if you like someone.  To have fun."

"Are you mad about something?"

"Why, do I sound mad?"  I didn't like people to be able to read me, sometimes Mary could and sometimes she couldn't.  I felt safer if people could not.

"I don't know, that's why I asked."

"No, I don't think I'm mad.  I'm something.  But I don't know what it is."

"Oh."  I guess I didn't give her much to respond to.

I was quiet for a minute.  "Doug was at my house when I went home from school yesterday."  She stopped dead in her tracks and grabbed my elbow.  Which stopped me.  Made me look at her.  Which I had managed to not do since we started walking.

"Were your parents there?"

"No."

"Shit Nicky!  I am so sorry!!  I didn't see his car when you left my house."

"I didn't either.  he said he parked it somewhere else."  She just stared at me, not knowing what to say.  I know she wanted to ask if anything happened, but didn't want to make me tell her.  "I told him not to touch me."  It sounded so simple.

Don't touch me.

"Did he get mad?"

"No, I think he got scared."

"Scared?"   

"Yeah, because then he left."

"Left?  He just left?"

"Yeah, just like that, he left."  Now, I feel mad.  I started walking and she nearly jumped to catch up to me.  "I can't believe after all of these years, all I had to say was 'don't touch me'."  Maybe it was saying it out loud to another person that made it worse, but I could feel my face turning hot with anger and shame.  "I let it go on." This time when she grabbed my arm by my elbow she nearly pulled my arm out of joint.

"No, you didn't!"  I know she said it quietly.  But it felt like she was yelling at me.  I pulled my arm free from her grasp.  "Nicky...don't do this to yourself.  You did not let it go on.  You didn't let it happen.  It wasn't your fault."  I started walking again, faster.  She matched my stride and kept up.

"It sure feels that way Mary.   Guess what else happened?" I glanced at her as my insides boiled.   I could see her looking bewildered like something else could happen that was worse.  "At breakfast this morning mom and dad told me that my little cousin Curtis had been molested.  And you know what Curtis did?"  I didn't give her a chance to respond.  "He told.  He just told his mom!  And guess what?  It stopped.  Of course it stopped!  It won't happen to him again."

"Nicky you can't compare yourself to him, or anyone else."

"I know I can't.  Because I'm not like anyone else.  I'm even too stupid to tell me parents when someone..."  I couldn't say it.  Wouldn't say it.  I slowed down when I realized Mary was trying to talk and almost run at the same time.  I put her in a bad situation.  I stopped and turned to look at her.  Now she would worry about me all day.  "You know what Mary?"  She didn't know what, she had no idea what to expect from me.  "You are a good friend.  I can say stupid stuff like this to you because I know that you know I have to have my moment of anxiety."   She looked at me like she didn't believe me.  "Besides, don't you think it would be abnormal of me if I didn't act angry at some point about all of this?"

I knew she wouldn't argue with me about that.  Not after all of the books she had read, and discussions we had had about this in the last six months.  We started walking again.

"I just worry about you Nicky."

I knew it.  "You don't have to Mary.  I'm going to be all right.  It's over.  When he left I knew he wouldn't be coming back."

"How can you be sure?"

"I just am."  And this was just the start of my 'happier day'.  Fortunately school was painless and quick.  I worked hard and was relieved I had done all of the homework I was suppose to.  I never understood how other kids could just not do their homework.  That's a terrible feeling when the teacher asks for assignments and you don't have yours.  Why would anyone do that on purpose?  At lunch I slipped away and sat outside in the cool air with a bag of chips and a diet cola.  The air felt so cool, so clean, I love this feeling.  It felt like a little vacation sitting there all by myself.  I think I actually felt good.  And reveled in it.