What Did I Miss?

It wasn't too soon when I left grandma and grandpa at home with mom and dad so I could go pick up Mary.  I could tell when we got home that grandma and grandpa had fought in their car on the way to our house.  I felt sorry for grandpa.  It was a relief to leave.  Mary ran to the car when I honked my new horn and I have to admit it was a little exciting.  New car.  Graduation.  Driving away from everything.  Mary jumped in all smiles and laughs.  We waved to a hundred relatives on her front porch as her mom took pictures while we pulled away.

"I did not think you were ever going to get here."  Stressing every syllable.

"Grandma and grandpa duty at my house."  I felt a cringe of guilt at remembering how I felt about grandma.  No!  Not tonight!  Tonight I will not let that happen.   "You know, I hate to to have to give my keys to the chaperone at the party.  I almost feel like just going and driving all night.  To where ever."  I felt a little bit of a wild thrill at the thought of it.

"Wow.  Spontinaity from you.  What a day of new experiences!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Nothing.  And normally I would say let's do it, let's go!  But tonight, I say let's go to the all night party.  You know, we will probably never see most of these people for a long time.  If ever."

"You think?"  I hadn't even thought of that.  I'm not sure if it bothered me or not.

"Don't forget we need to pick up Tim."  And we did.  Tim seemed genuinely glad to see it was me with Mary picking him up.  Which surprised me.  Don't know why.  But it did.  He sat in the back seat and leaned forward between me and Mary in the front.

"I can't believe you got a car for graduation Nicky.  I got a watch and money and was thrilled.  What did you get Mary?"

"All kinds of stuff from mom and dad.  Money.  Stuff for when I go to school in the fall.  I got a watch too.  And a longer curfew."  We all laughed at that.  "But there's no curfew tonight."

"Yeah but if we leave the party before 6 a.m. we can't get back in and they call our parents."

Mary looked at Tim "what did you have in mind?"

"Nothing.  Actually I'm kind of looking forward to this party.  It's just kind of a bummer that our first all nighter will be at the school that we just spent 12 years trying to get out of."

I listened as Tim and Mary started talking about the last few years in high school.  They seemed to have a lot more memories than I could come up with.  There were a lot of parties they talked about that I didn't go to.  Lots of games they went to that I didn't go to.  School dances that..yep...I didn't go to.  They laughed, I laughed because what they talked about seemed fun.  Why hadn't I wanted to go?  And why didn't I realize how much fun I was missing?  I remember the feeling of taking comfort in my room, listening to music, watching TV, enjoying being home, enjoying more...the not having to go out.

We got to school and parked in the lot designated for our cars tonight.  We locked the car and turned in the keys at the door to the vice-principal.  We stood there briefly while she told us the rules.  Then we went in to the gym where it seemed like thousands of people were standing.  Maybe only a few hundred.  But everyone was crowded together.  I stood inside the doorway and looked with Mary and Tim.  They started to head towards the middle of the gym.  Mary looked back at me and I motioned her to go on.  I stood still and took in the entire gym.  I couldn't see everything from where I stood.  But a lot of effort went in to this.  I was surprised.  There were black jack tables (and we'd already been warned no real money would be used).  Arcade games.  Teachers running game booths.  Parents serving foods and drinks.  I wondered over to one group of people to see what everyone was looking at.  In the center of the small crowd was a young man sitting in front of an easel and one of the kids from my class was sitting in a chair in front of him.  Portraits?  I stood and watched until the young artist pulled off the sheet of paper and handed it to the posing boy.  It was a charicature.  Everyone strained to see and the next girl in line eagerly took her seat.  Sweet.

There were all kinds of pictures hanging on one of the long walls of the gym.  I moved over to the wall and slowly looked at the pictures.  I slowly made my way down the wall.  Years of pictures.  Hundreds of people.  Us.  I looked at every picture to see the faces, the events.  A lot of the faces were familiar, though I didn't know all of their names.  Why didn't I know their names?  Most of the events pictured didn't ring familiar either.  Carefully I scanned the pictures to see if I was in any of them.  I couldn't find me anywhere.  I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was a little disappointed.  Or was it sadness?  What did I miss?  The pictures were smiling faces, happy events.  Why wasn't I a part of these?  Didn't I want to be happy?

At the very end of the wall there were pictures of the school clubs for our senior year.  There was one of the yearbook staff.  I scanned it carefully.  I remember it being taken.  I couldn't just walk out of the room so I was in the picture, barely.  I only knew I was there because I remembered it.  It wasn't really a planned picture, just one of the staff playing around.  I managed to avoid being much of a part of the picture.  But there was the side of my head.  Why didn't I want to be in it?  Was I afraid of what would be seen, in a picture?

I turned back to the gym and was suddenly aware of the noise level.  Loud.  There was a sound system set up in the corner away from the entrance we all had to use.  Some of the kids were dancing.  There were tables set up in groupings all through the gym.  Most of the tables had kids sitting at them, or purses and jackets lying on them.  Everyone was smiling.  I went back to the artist sketching the characatures.  and watched.   He was pretty good.  Everyone who already had a sketch was showing them to the others waiting, everyone seemed impressed.  I looked at the artist.  Did he go to school here?  He didn't look old enough to have graduated yet.  He seemed pretty focused on what he was doing.  But he still manged to joke with the girl he was drawing.  

Everyone seemed so familiar with everyone else.  Yet I felt like an outsider.  No.  Not an outsider.  I felt okay.  But I felt like an observer.  Yes, an observer.  I didn't realize how long I must have been looking at the pictures and the artist until Mary came up to me, looking a little bit sweaty.  "Where have you been?"

"Looking at the pictures and watching him".  I nodded at the artist.

"I've been looking everywhere for you."

"Here I am."  I smiled at her.  She grabbed my elbow and pulled me behind her to ta table where Tim was sitting.  He was on one side of the table and two girls and another boy were on the other side of the table.  We sat with Tim , Mary next to him and me next to Mary.  Tim reached over and squeezed my hand and smiled.  "We lost you."  I smiled and watched his hand pull away from my arm.  That wasn't too uncomfortable, which surprised me.  That it didn't bother me.

Though I was glad to be here I didn't feel like a party.  I wanted to watch and listen.  Which is hard to do because people aren't comfortable with someone sitting quietly and 'observing'.  They have to be noticeably enjoying themselves, or the others become uncomfortable.  So to avoid making them uncomfortable I participated in the party.    Tim went to get us something to drink.