Graduating To Something Better

"Might as well."  I caught a slight twitch in Tim's face.  I knew he thought she was mad at him for some reason and I wanted to slap her for making him feel that way.  In all the times we had been together I had never seen Tim be anything but generous and very easy to talk to.  I don't know about her but I felt this was awkward.

"You guys want anything, I'm kind of hungry?"  They both shook their heads so I left them and wandered away.  God this is going to be a long night.   Now I was ready to go home and now I remembered why I don't do these things often.   Dealing with people was just too hard.

I went to one of the tables set up with sandwiches and one of the moms working was too cheerful, and excited.   It took ten minutes to pick up a sandwich and get away.  I sat in a chair by the wall behind the food table.  This mom was too happy.  She chatted easily with everyone who approached her table and seemed to pass her good cheer on to all.  I sat watching, and felt myself enjoying her.  And her happiness.  

I finally left my seat, with a smile of my own.  It was comforting to watch her kindness and apparent thrill at our success.  I went to the end of the gym where they were dancing and sat at an empty table.  Most of the couples who were dancing were familiar faces and familiar pairings.  The kinds of kids I saw at every thing that I did bother to attend.  And more than likely they attended every school function.  They thrived in high school, in life, or with it.

I'm not sure how long I was sitting there watching before I realized someone was sitting at the large found table with me.  It was Shaun.  He smiled.   "Hi."

"Hi."

"I didn't want to bother you."

"You aren't."  He smiled and looked over at the others dancing.  I watched him watching them for a few seconds.  We were quiet for a few minutes.

"Can I sit here and talk with you a little?"

"Sure."

"Do you know who I am?"

"Yes Shaun, do you know who I am?"  We both smiled.  He got up and moved closer, to the chair next to me.

"I was hoping you would be here."

"So I heard, how's come?"

"I guess I wanted to talk with you."

"About what?"

He looked startled.   "Uh...to talk, to get to know you I mean."

"Oh..."  I laughed, feeling nervous.  "Sorry, that was stupid of me."

"No...no...it just kind of surprised me.  Where's Mary and Tim?"  He half heartedly looked around.  

"Waiting to get their charactures drawn." 

"I thought that was pretty neat.  I had mine done.  Are you going to have yours?"

"Yeah, who is that doing the drawing?"  Shaun looked over at the still small crowd around the artist. 

"That's Emmit, don't you remember him?"

"No, who is he?"

"He graduated last year.  He does a lot of stuff with the art department.  He just finished his first year at the university.  He's going to be a teacher.  Everyone says he should be an artist.  But I guess he really wants to teach.  Art is what he does for fun he says."

"Do you know him?"

"Yeah, I'm surprised you don't.  Emmit seems to know everyone."   We were quiet for a few minutes watching Emmit.  Actually, watching everyone who was watching Emmit.  I guess maybe he was familiar.  But I didn't know him.  It's my own fault.  I don't feel like I belong because I never joined in.  I wasn't a part of my own life here.  How depressing.  I could have cried.

"Hey, let's walk around a little.  Or would you like to dance?"

"I think I would rather walk."  So we walked,  And talked.  As we walked out of the gym Tim caught my eye and smiled at me, for me.  The entire first floor of the school was open with activities in some classrooms, and some were just set up to be able to go in and sit and talk.  I never realized how many people I had gone through the last four years of my life with.  How did I do that without being aware of most of them.   

We roamed the school for what seemed like a very short time, stopping and sitting in some rooms, playing games in others.  Everywhere people were cheerful, excited, and very tired.  Sometimes I caught myself watching others more than listening to Shaun.  Sometimes we didn't even talk, we just sat or walked. We made it back to the gym and went to see Emmit.  I thought Emmit must have been very tired.  We stood in the line with about six people in front of us.  No one seemed impatient.

"I can't believe I waited until the last night of school to finally talk to you."

"You've been wanting to talk to me?  Why didn't you?"  He was at least eight inches taller than me, dark and wavy hair, brown eyes that glowed behind his glasses.

"I don't know...you didn't...well...you weren't at a lot of school functions."

"I was at some."  I wasn't at a lot.

He looked down at his feet.  "Don't take me wrong because I have loved talking to you tonight...but you seemed kind of unapproachable."

"ME?"   

"Yes, you.  But not stuck up like.  Just, like you didn't want to be bothered."  I pretended to look at something past him, I checked the time.  I wanted to cry.  Why?   Because I didn't want to be bothered.   Being bothered didn't feel good.   "Nicky I'm sorry.  I didn't mean that to sound..."

"No, Shaun...I guess maybe I did come across like that."

He placed his hand very gently on my arm "are you okay?"

I stared at his hand.  Geez.  Do not start crying.  Don't cry.  Don't cry.  "I'm okay.  I think I am so tired that I am getting emotional from exhaustion".  He kind of patted my arm and pulled his hand back.  I wanted to cry...because when he touched me, it felt good.  It felt okay.  Safe.

"Why don't I get us something to drink while we wait here?"  I smiled in relief.  Gratitude.  He grinned as he took a few backward steps, then turned and walked away.

Is this what I have missed out on?  Someone nice and concerned and pleasant.  He voice was so soft.  His manners so...mannerly.  While we walked around so many people said so many nice things, and a lot of them did the "remember when we" stories with Shaun.  And we would all laugh.  But I wasn't part of the remember when stories.  What was I doing?  What was I a part of?  My eyes were burning.  Someone tapped me on the shoulder.  I turned to see a smiling Tim at my side.

"Hey, how's it going?"

"Pretty good."

"Ha!  You've been with Shaun for hours and all you can say is 'pretty good'?"

"Hours?"  I looked at my new watch.  Yeah.  Hours.

"Yes!"  I laughed at his silliness.  He was acting very much like a fifth grader and I loved it.

"Okay, it has been pretty wonderful tonight.  Is that better?"

"A little."  

"Where's Mary?"

He avoided looking at me suddenly.  "We kind of talked."

"About....?"    I already knew.

"We kind of, we've decided, we kind of agreed that we were meant to be more like friends....than dating."  He was smiling at his feet.  There was no sincerity to his smile.

"Who decided that?"

"We did.  I already knew before she said anything.  I mean, about how she felt.  Most people's feelings are pretty obvious."

"Do you think so?"

"Yep."

"I'm sorry Tim.  I know you really care about her."

"Sure...but I would rather have her in my life as a friend than not at all."  There was a little flash of sarcasm.  Or pain.  I would how many people say that and don't mean it.  This time I reached out and patted Tim's arm.  I kept my hand on his arm.  He looked at my hand, much the same way I had looked at his, and smiled at me.  "And you know what else?"

"What?"

"I like that I got to know you."

That felt good.  "I'm glad you said that.  I have kind of gotten use to you.  I think I like you Tim."  He laughed.  He hugged me.  I hugged him back.  Shaun joined us and he gave me a pop.  I couldn't believe how comfortable this was.  Slowly we made our way to the front of the line.  Shaun watched as Emmit drew my picture, he and Tim kept telling him where to draw warts and horns.  When he was done I took the picture and was a little fearful of how he saw me.  I turned it to look at it.

What I saw was what I felt now.  How I felt.  Now.   My entire face was pretty much a smile.  He had even drawn a small star in one of my eyes.  Emmit was standing, waiting for my reaction.  I kept looking at the picture.  What a happy picture.  I smiled at Emmit.  I didn't know what to say to him.  I felt good, and Emmit saw that.  I threw my arms around Emmit and hugged him.  That was not predictable!  Who was I tonight?

We went back to the table we had been sitting at earlier.  Mary and Tim each had their picture lying on the table, Shaun went to get his.  We compared them all.  Mary joined us.  The entire time we sat and talked and laughed.  Sometimes I felt like was separate, watching.  It was an unreal experience.  Maybe not unreal, but unfamiliar, yet wanted.  Mary sat on the other side of Tim, who was sitting next to me.  She still seemed a little reserved.  I don't get people.  Not even Mary half of the time.  Here is Tim, who was obviously crazy for her and she doesn't want that.  I guess she can't help it if the feelings aren't there.  I'm not sure that's what it is though.