Party To Sleep

"What time is it?"  We all looked at our watches.  New watches.

"Five fifteen."  In the morning?  I couldn't believe it.  I am very much off my schedule.  And I feel great.  Tired but relaxed.

"We can leave at six can't we?"  Mary wasn't having as much fun.  Or she felt bad about her and Tim.  

"I think so.  Do you guys want to go out to breakfast?"  Tim looked eagerly at all of us.  

Before I could answer Mary did.  "I am so tired you guys.  I want to go to bed."  She looked apologetic but...

"Sure" nice.  Uncomfortable pause.  "But I am hungry.  I'll be back."

"I'll go with you."  Shaun went with Tim.

"Are you mad about something Mary?"

She tried to look fake surprised.   "Me?"

"Yes.  You.   What's wrong?"

She slumped on to the table and talked in to the table cloth.  "I am just very tired and want to go to bed."  If she didn't want to tell me I wasn't going to demand her to.    "I just feel uncomfortable."   Still, to the table cloth.

"About what?"

"With Tim and everything."  We aren't really seeing each other now."

"So I heard."

"From who?"  She turned her head so she was looking up, with the side of her head on the table.

"Tim."

"I just don't want him to think this is serious.  I'd rather tell him now and not just go along with it so I don't hurt his feelings."

"He really likes you Mary.  His feelings will hurt."

"I know that.  And I like him.  But that's all.  Like...nothing more.  I don't want to hurt him Nicky.  That's what makes this worse. If he got mad or I didn't like him because he was a jerk or something.  But he isn't.  He is so ...gentle, sweet."   She left her head lying on the table.   Looking at me.

"Then let him be okay with this.  Don't be miserable about it.  He'll be okay.  You can be friends.  It isn't like you've been serious."

"I haven't but I think he was."

"Well...yeah, but I mean you haven't .... you know"   I really don't want to know this "done anything."

She closed her eyes.  "No.  Nicky.  We haven't."

"It'll be alright Mary.  We do you have to be uncomfortable around him.  That would make it worse on him."

"I know.  Maybe after I get some sleep I'll be alright."

Tim and Shaun came back to the table carrying a load of donuts and bagels.  We gorged.  Even Mary ate.  Mary wasn't the only one getting tired.  There were heads lying on tables and hanging back all over the room. The music in the corner was still playing.  But it was soft.  Slow music.  There were some die hards still dancing.

"Anybody have any big plans today?"  I felt like talking, even with my mouth full.

"Bed."  Mary had only one focus.

"Dinner with my grandparents."

"My family is having a graduation party for me.  You are guys are all welcome to come over."  Shaun was looking right at me.  

"Another party?"   I was liking the idea of bed.

"Sure, how often do you graduate from high school?"

"Don't you have to sleep?"

"I promised mom and dad I would come right home from here and go to sleep.  They really put a lot of work in to this so I figured I better let them..  Would you come over?"

Mary and Tim were both trying to make it look like they weren't watching me.  "Yes.  I would.  But I can't promise.  What time?"

"Since it's Sunday it's an early party.  We're starting about three."

"I'll try."  It felt good that Shaun looked pleased.   Maybe even excited.  But it felt scary too.  We sat quietly looking at everyone else around the gym.  It didn't look like anyone had left early.  And though I was tired and this was suppose to be the end of my high school experience I felt as if it was the first high school experience I had.  

Why is it, tonight, that I feel young.   For so long I didn't know what young felt like.   It feels like this?  It feels good.

There was a quietness, a hush, over all of us.  Everyone seemed to be aware of what this was.  It would be the last time that this group of people would ever be together like this.  Young.  Excited.  With unknown and undreamed of lives in front of us.

There was a group of girls on the dance floor in a big hug.  They were crying.  They were familiar faces.  But unknown people, to me.  Could I have been one of them?  I watched them.  I looked at others who watched them and I could see sad faces.  Faces that smiled.  Either because they looked silly out there sobbing or because they felt something kindred to those girls.  I glanced at Mary who's face was propped up on her hands, but she was looking at everyone else also.  Tim was looking at Mary.  Shaun was looking around the gym.

The song ended and the DJ announced he was playing the last song.  Of course it was "Auld Lang Syne."  Many couples got up to dance.  Many turned their chairs to watch, listen, sing under their breaths.  Mary got up and took Tim's hand and they went to dance.  I didn't want to dance.  Not to this.  It didn't feel right.  Shaun either didn't want to dance either or got a good feeling from me that I didn't want to.  He slid his chair right next to me and rested his elbows on his knees and his face in hands.  Watching.  Part of me wanted to reach out and caress the hair just touching the nape of his neck.  Part of me squirmed at the thought of doing such a thing.

The song ended.  Everyone stood or sat completely still for a brief moment.  Then someone flipped on the over head lights and nearly blinded us all.   Then everyone cheered.  We were now ready to be adults.  Or the so the world told us.  First, I think most of us wanted to go to bed.

Mary and TIm returned.  We all gathered our pictures, jackets, ties, purses.   Everyone made their way out to the cool air of the morning.  Tables were set up to hand back our car keys by alphabet.  Find your last name letter, get your keys back.  There were also little gift bags for each of us with mementos emblemazed with our school mascot, our year of graduation.  Nice.

Shaun walked us to my car.  "I hope you can come to my party."

Tim and Mary quickly got in my car.  They were so obvious.  "I'll try Shaun.  But I'm not sure what my parents have planned."

He hung his head a little and stared at his shoe, or mine.  "I'm glad I finally got to talk to you Nicky."

"Me too."  What do I say!  For crying out loud why can't I say something.....smart!  He stood there and stared at me.  A little unnerving I must say.  

"Well....okay.  Maybe I'll see you at my house then."  It was a statement not a question.  I smiled.  He smiled.  He backed away from the car.  I got in and he closed my door.  As we pulled away Mary and Tim started singing "kiss the girl" from "The Little Mermaid" and then Mary moaned.  Then Tim moaned.  

"What is wrong with you two?"

"Nicky that poor guy wanted to kiss you and you just blew him off."   Mary shook her head.

"He did not."  I looked at Tim in the rearview mirror for confirmation of this.  He shook his head yes.  "Yeah, he did."  I stared at Tim like he was a traitor.  "Sorry" and he shrugged his shoulders.  I was not going there with them.  Not right now.  I was too tired.  We chatted aimlessly until we dropped Tim off.  Then Mary tried to talk about Shaun, and I wanted to talk about Tim, but we were both too tired to really talk about either.  We agreed we really didn't need to talk right now at all.  Maybe later.  I dropped Mary off and went home.  Took a shower.  Went to bed.  I knew mom or dad, or both, were awake in their room.  But I was too tired and they didn't come out to ask so I didn't go in to tell them about the night.  It would also wait.

I lie in my bed with my covers neatly around me.  I stared at my familiar ceiling.  This night.  What have I done with my life?  Why did I wait until tonight to let something make me feel good?  I thought over the entire evening.  I felt comfortable with people I did not know very well.  How was this possible when I am not even comfortable with people I know?  I thought of the hug I gave Tim and Emmit.  WHere did that come from?  I don't even like hugging my parents.  All of the faces and the stories from the night swam through my head while I slept.

I think I slept.