"You know Mary..he has got to be one of the sweetest people I know."
"He is. He loves to talk. Walk. Be with me. He took me out last week and our date was at the park. We talked, walked and he never let go of my hand the entire time. It was...comfortable. But exciting." We watched him walk away.
"Sounds pretty great to me." To be comfortable with someone. I think I envied that.
"It is great...I guess." That didn't sound like love talking. I looked at her and she shrugged her shoulders at me. "I do like him. I really like him. But it just feels like something's missing. It's stupid. I know. Here's this great guy who treats me like gold and I want something more. Or different. I don't know." She looked up over my head and sat up and away to pull out of the conversation. Tim was coming, carrying our drinks.
"One for each of you ladies." He sat on the other side of Mary and leaned in to talk to both of us. I looked at his face. Soft, clear and dark blue eyes. Cute, not stunning, but it sure didn't hurt to look at him. He was lean and taller than Mary. Dark auburn hair. "Nicky are seeing any body?"
"Uh...no." Mary started to turn her head to give him, I know, a 'don't go there' look. But she stopped when I smiled at Tim.
"Well...don't look." Which of course made me want to look but he leaned in closer over Mary which made her lean in, which of course drew me in to the leaning in group. "But somebody was asking about you." Immediately Mary's head popped up out of the conversation t look past me in the direction Tim had come from. There were hundreds of people but she must have thought "he" would have a neon sign pointing him out to her.
"Mary". Tim put his hand on her shoulder and pulled her down to our conversation again. "He just asked if you were here with any one."
"Who was it?" Mary demanded before I could even blink.
"Shaun Hurdle". Mary's mouth dropped open. Why, I don't know. But it did.
"Shaun?" She seemed stunned.
"Why are you so surprised?" Tim looked at Mary, surprised at her surprise. I sat and watched as Mary and Tim discussed this without me. Without even noticing if I had a reaction.
"Shaun? I don't know. I guess I never...I don't know." Tim laughed as he leaned in closer. He was making Mary uncomfortable. Or she was uncomfortable about something else. Why was she so surprised? Probably because since I didn't show interest in someone, anyone, I would think she assumed the world would know not to bother. I know that's what she thought. It was certainly how I felt.
Tim looked at me "do you know Shaun?"
"I know who he is but I don't really know him." I wanted to know what he said. Exactly. But I didn't want to ask. Mostly because Mary would wonder what came over me and I would have to explain me wanting to know.
Mary spoke up "what exactly did he say?" I knew she would have to know and smiled inwardly.
"He came up to me while I was getting our pop and asked if I was with you guys. Then he asked if you were with anyone." He smiled at me. He seemed very happy about this.
"Is that all he said?" I could read Mary's disappointment. In Tim's casual reply or the lack of depth to Shaun's inquiry.
"Yeah, he said 'oh' and just stood there. I brought the pop back and that was it."
"You just left him there? What if he wanted to ask more?" Tim looked at her. A little stunned.
"But he didn't". Mary looked at him like he was daft.
Mary turned to me and I felt like laughing at them both. "Do you like Shaun?"
"I don't know. I just know who he is. I don't know a thing about him to know if I like him or not."
"Okay okay. DO you think you might like him?" She was sounding pretty desperate. Which was a little annoying.
"Mary he didn't ask Tim if I would marry him. He just asked him if I was with anyone. That doesn't really mean anything."
"Well...it could." She leaned in close. So I leaned in closer and she whispered "don't you want to find out?"
I sat back. Do I want to find out? If someone likes me, was interested in me? It did feel kind of good. Yes, I was curious. Maybe not as much as Tim and Mary. I gave her a smile, she visibly relaxed. Tim had respected our little conversation but not leaning in. But when the smiles appeared he leaned back in.
"I could go find out more."
"No don't do that." We just graduated high school, not eighth grade. But I could tell he felt like he had let Mary down somehow.
Mary had other ideas. "It won't hurt to make yourself available for any more questions. What's it going to hurt?" Mary and Tim shrugged like ...it will hurt nothing. Except my pride. And off he went.
Mary leaned in closer to me again. I lent her my ear. "You know I don't mean to be preachy or anything but why not just see what happens? When was the last time you ever noticed a boy? Or let a boy notice you?" We looked each other in the eye, about five inches away from each other. "Never". She answered her own question. Which quite rightly pissed me off. She has no idea how I feel about boys. Them looking at me or me looking at them. She has no idea how I looked at them and liked what I saw but didn't understand how they could like me. Mary looked at me and said "Nicky are you gay?"
All right then. What's that all about? I sat back and crossed my arms. Smiled. Mary didn't smile back and didn't sit back. She didn't find that question funny. But I did. If she wasn't so serious I would have laughed, at her seriousness.
"Mary" I leaned back in. "I have to say, no, I am not gay. And you know me well enough that I am most happy by having to 'let a boy notice me'. It's just not how I am. When I want someone to notice, I think I'll know." One thing I was sure of, though I believe I didn't know what 'normal' felt like, there were some things I did know. I like boys, I just didn't know how to like them. But it didn't worry me. I didn't have room in my head to worry about it.
"Well I don't think you will. I think you are hiding so no one can hurt you again."
"Maybe. But why does that bother you? Maybe it's just what I have to do right now."
"It bothers me because I see you alone and I see you missing out on fun stuff that I know you would enjoy if you would just DO IT."
"But that's your fun stuff. And I am super thrilled that you have fun doing it. That doesn't mean I will have fun doing it."
"But you don't know because you don't try."
I want to stay calm because I know she is saying this because she cares. "I'm here aren't I?"
Now, she, smiled at me. "Nicky I know you well enough to know that you are here just so your parents wouldn't get upset."
"Maybe that's part of it. But maybe you don't know me well enough to know that I am glad to be here."
"Are you?"
How cynical of her. And annoying. "Yes." She had to think about my simple yes. "And I was a little curious about what Tim said Shaun asked." Her eyes bugged a little. "I know what I need right now Mary, just trust me. And stop analyzing everything I say and do. It's a little annoying."
"This has nothing to do with trust Nicky. I just worry about you. I'm sorry. But I do. I think there are a lot of things you avoid doing because you're afraid to get close. You're worried someone will find out."
"I don't think you need to counsel me right now. I did come here to have fun. I was looking forward to it. There doesn't need to be any deep seated reason why I'm here or how I'm going to avoid life." I sat back to withdraw from this private conversation and looked around the gym. The line for the artist was the same as it had been all night. But I was eager to see how someone else saw me, even in fun. "I'm going to go have myself drawn". Mary didn't answer and I knew that she was close to being mad, and feeling bad because she was mad. I wish I hadn't told her. Because every minute with her, now, was overshadowed by her knowing and having to deal with it. Which means I never got a break from it.
I wandered over to the line behind the artist and stood behind Marty Matthews and his girlfriend Amber. THey were standing with their arms around one another and her head was leaning into the side of his chest. I don't remember seeing one without the other since ninth grade. I heard the rumor they were going to get married. Married. They looked so young. How could they get married? I felt like I was burning holes in the back of their heads as I pictured them married and envisioned them across the next fifty years. I tore my eyes from their married bliss and looked around the gym.
The music was non stop. People were still dancing. I never realized there were this many people in our class. I didn't even know some of them. Quite a few of them. Mary and Tim came up behind me.
"Sorry." Mary whispered in my ear.
"Don't be. It's all right." She smiled, not convinced every thing was all right.
"Well, Shaun found me again Nicky. Want to know what he said?"
"Sure." Yes, I do. It's my choice to feel free for one minute. One minute. Free of it. Free of heavy fear. Free of the cloak of protection. Just standing in that gym, with hundreds of kids around me. I felt it was my choice. It was a brief minute. Not even a minute. A moment. It felt good. Very good.
I looked at Mary. I could see she didn't believe me. What the hell? I don't have to convince her of what I want. Or don't want. Why does she think I have to explain everything to her.
"He said he hoped you'd be here but didn't think you would be. You know, he is a pretty nice guy. I didn't say too much because I didn't know what you wanted me to say."
Mary stood quietly. Tim looked at me. I was suppose to say something, but I don't know what. Because I was trying to say something that I though Mary wanted me to say, instead of saying what I wanted to say. "Let's just wait and see if he comes around...are you guys going to have your picture drawn?"
"I am what about you Mary?" Tim seemed awfully fond of her. I felt bad for Tim because he didn't know what was going on and he was trying to just skim right over the uncomfortableness that was pulsating from us.
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