It was almost noon before I woke up. Another weird time to wake up. I made my bed and wondered down to the kitchen. Mom had left me a note saying she hoped I would be there for dinner so they could hear how the party had gone, but if not leave them a note telling where I would be.
Maybe I should make them dinner. They would like that. I rummaged through the freezer and found some steak and laid it out on the counter to thaw. Mom hated when I did that but she would be tickled that I made dinner for them so it all evens out in the end. I checked the fridge for the makings of a salad and found plenty. Corn on the cob sounds good, I should go to the store and get some. I heard my phone ringing from some where, probably upstairs where I left it. By the time I found it I had missed the call. And I had two messages. One from Tim wanting me to call, one from Shaun wanting me to call.
After getting dressed I was getting ready to leave when the house phone rang. I almost let it go but picked it up.
"Hello?"
"Hi Nicky, it's Tim."
"Hi Tim."
"What are you doing?"
"I was just leaving to go to the store to get some corn on the cob. I thought I would cook on the grill for mom and dad. What's up?"
"Not much. Kinda bored really. Was going to see if you wanted company."
"I don't mind. Want me to pick you up?"
"No, I've got dad's car." We arranged for him to just meet me at my house when I got back from the store. I couldn't help but wonder what and why Tim wanted to come over for. To coach me on what to do and say about Shaun? I hope not. Did he expect me to call Mary and see if she wanted to come over? He didn't seem to be bothered by what Mary told him the night of graduation. Or was he? Would I have noticed? I bought some corn and strawberries and Texas bread that I thought would taste great toasted on the grill and buttered to eat with the steak.
When I got home Tim was already parked in front of the house. He met me at my car as I stopped in the driveway and when I got out he reached in and grabbed the groceries. We went inside and he chattered away while I put the food away and washed the vegetables to make the salad. We sat down at the table together and he started to cut radishes and celery. I shredded carrots while he talked about starting college in the fall.
Suddenly he became very quiet. I really hadn't had to say very much as he had obviously needed to come and talk. I just needed to listen. I looked at him because it was one of those moments when you knew something just wasn't right. "I guess I'm kind of scared Nicky." He concentrated entirely too much on the little radish under his knife.
"About what?"
"Going away I think. I know I should be looking forward to it but I wouldn't mind staying at home and continuing high school for a few more years. Maybe even forever." It's not that I felt his statement was all that odd. I sometimes thought it would be great to hide in high school forever. It would be so easy to keep everything the way it was. I managed. Iknew I could get through it like I had since I began school. The automatic pilot had worked well in high school and I was scared it wouldn't when I went to work and started taking college courses myself. But I didn't expect this kind of feeling from anyone else.
"Did you tell your parents? Maybe you could go to school here and stay at home for awhile."
"I wish it was something I could tell my parents about and know they would seriously consider it. But it isn't. This is what they think I want and to tell them differently they wouldn't understand. Mom might want to, but dad wouldn't, and mom would follow his lead. She thinks he knows best about future plans and all things that concern me."
What do I say? I wasn't use to discussions of this depth with anyone but Mary. But he came to me. And this is about him. "What would be so bad about going to school here?"
"It's not just about the school it's self. There's a time when we all need to deal with our own problems. And this is my time."
"What does that mean?" I grinned because it didn't really make any sense. He smiled back. It sure wasn't a happy smile. More of a sad twist of his lips.
"Are you okay talking to me about this? I mean I just showed up and started blathering about all of this."
"I don't mind. I know what it feels like sometimes, to just want to 'blather'." This time he smiled for real. We continued making the salad. All of the vegetables were sure getting a very conscious effort while we struggled with this conversation.
"All right then. I really don't have a problem talking about this. But with people who don't know, it can be difficult. People who know don't want to talk about it. And THEY aren't comfortable with me talking about it." I was getting a little nervous, my chest was feeling a little like I had swallowed five lungs full of exhaust fumes. "I was molested." He breathed deeply as if that statement relieved that same feeling of swallowed exhaust fumes from him. "I don't expect you to say anything. And I don't want you to be sorry for me. Sometimes I need to get this out and sort it out because not talking about it keeps it cluttered in my head. Does that make sense?"
"I think so." I busied myself by getting up and putting all of the salad vegetables in the salad bowl and tossing it with a little water. I put it in the fridge. I pulled the foil out of the drawer. "Let's go outside and get the grill ready." He obediently followed me out. Probably wondering how heartless could I be. Not saying anything. We were both quiet while I uncovered the gas grill and placed the clean foil on the grill. I turned on the propane tank and then the burners. Everything was ready here. I stared at the grill. He stared at the grill.
Very quietly he said "maybe I shouldn't have told you."
"No, it's okay. I just don't want to say the wrong thing." I really didn't.
"You can't say the wrong thing. You can ask questions. You can tell me you don't want to talk about it. Whatever...."
"I don''t need to ask you questions. And I don't think you need to answer them if I did. It sounds like there are other things you want to talk about...regarding this. Things other than what curiosities others might ask you." We stood staring at the grill. "If you want to talk to me. I'm right here." His shoulders slumped, slightly. Since we were avoiding looking at one another it was more of a perception than me seeing it. I knew how scared he was to say that out loud to someone and then wonder what their reaction would be. "Honestly, I also talk better when I am doing something so you have to work with me to get this dinner ready for mom and dad." I wanted to encourage him to talk, I was afraid of what he would say, I was afraid I was letting him down.
We went in and brought out the corn on the cob and a trash bag and sat down to husk the corn. There was silence for a few minutes. I didn't know whether to tell him I understood. Did he already know? Would Mary have told him? I didn't think she would. But I don't think I would have blamed her. It wasn't an easy thing to know about someone and not discuss it to try and make sense, and understand it.
"Does Mary know this?"
"No. It seems to make people very uncomfortable if they know something like this about you. It's weird. Because I don't feel uncomfortable talking about it, but those listening? They do."
"Why do you say this is the time for you to deal with your problems? What does that mean?"
He shifted his head as if to see his thoughts more clearly. "It's time that I don't let this rule my life anymore. That's what dad thinks anyway. He doesn't understand why something that's in the past should still be affecting me. He thinks I should be able to get past it."
"Why does he think that?"
"I don't really know why dad thinks anything that he thinks. I think he kind of blames me." He shook his head. "No..no." I jolted slightly at that but before I could react he said "that's not right. It's more like he's disappointed in me for it having happened to me. Like I'm damaged or something. I dunno. I can't really explain in."
"I'm sure he hurt for you Tim."
"Oh, I know that. When he found out I thought he was going to kill the guy. He was angrier than I have every seen anyone. And I didn't feel like he was angry at me then. Actually I felt so protected by his anger. I knew no one would hurt me again. Not like that. I felt safe because he was so mad and out of control. I don't know how much sense that makes. And... I think now, he's maybe bothered by any disappointments he may have in me...he blames on what happened to me. Like...if that hadn't of happened, how would I be different."
I didn't have to say much. But he's saying out loud a lot of stuff that sounds familiar. "Why ... I mean, did he say that?"
"It's hard to explain. No, he didn't say it. It's just how I feel." He was ripping the corn apart pretty good. "I think if given the chance he would physically hurt the guy who did it. Even now. But over the years he has changed. Something has changed. I know he would do anything for me, and he has. That's one of the reasons I don't want to tell him I don't want to go to an out of state university. He really believes that is what I need. To get out on my own." He chuckled and glanced at me "even though he's supporting me. The idea is to get away. Leave here. Have something new to look forward to so I won't have to hang on to the past."
"Does he think leaving will make you forget?"
"Maybe. He doesn't really understand the ramifications of all of this."
"Did you guys go to counseling?"
"They made sure I did. That's the first thing mom and dad made sure of. They hauled me off to a counselor who I saw for almost two years. They didn't want this to mess me up forever."
"Did they go?"
"Only when the counselor called them in to talk about my progress. Dad didn't understand why he would need counseling. It didn't happen to him. And as long as I was taken care of he was happy."
"So what happened?" I still didn't get a clear picture of his dad, and nothing of his mom.
"In counseling we talked a lot about how this affects others. Not just me but parents and friends, stuff like that. I think dad has just kept this in for so long and has gone over this in his head over and over again. And, he keeps seeing me. What happened to me. My guess is he hasn't dealt with it very well."
"Do you guys talk about it?"
"No, not really. Sometimes its mentioned but there isn't any talking about it anymore." We finished husking the corn and carried it in to wash it off and put it on the stove to boil. I was too lazy to grill it now. We got some pop out of the fridge and went outside to sit on the back steps.
When I got home Tim was already parked in front of the house. He met me at my car as I stopped in the driveway and when I got out he reached in and grabbed the groceries. We went inside and he chattered away while I put the food away and washed the vegetables to make the salad. We sat down at the table together and he started to cut radishes and celery. I shredded carrots while he talked about starting college in the fall.
Suddenly he became very quiet. I really hadn't had to say very much as he had obviously needed to come and talk. I just needed to listen. I looked at him because it was one of those moments when you knew something just wasn't right. "I guess I'm kind of scared Nicky." He concentrated entirely too much on the little radish under his knife.
"About what?"
"Going away I think. I know I should be looking forward to it but I wouldn't mind staying at home and continuing high school for a few more years. Maybe even forever." It's not that I felt his statement was all that odd. I sometimes thought it would be great to hide in high school forever. It would be so easy to keep everything the way it was. I managed. Iknew I could get through it like I had since I began school. The automatic pilot had worked well in high school and I was scared it wouldn't when I went to work and started taking college courses myself. But I didn't expect this kind of feeling from anyone else.
"Did you tell your parents? Maybe you could go to school here and stay at home for awhile."
"I wish it was something I could tell my parents about and know they would seriously consider it. But it isn't. This is what they think I want and to tell them differently they wouldn't understand. Mom might want to, but dad wouldn't, and mom would follow his lead. She thinks he knows best about future plans and all things that concern me."
What do I say? I wasn't use to discussions of this depth with anyone but Mary. But he came to me. And this is about him. "What would be so bad about going to school here?"
"It's not just about the school it's self. There's a time when we all need to deal with our own problems. And this is my time."
"What does that mean?" I grinned because it didn't really make any sense. He smiled back. It sure wasn't a happy smile. More of a sad twist of his lips.
"Are you okay talking to me about this? I mean I just showed up and started blathering about all of this."
"I don't mind. I know what it feels like sometimes, to just want to 'blather'." This time he smiled for real. We continued making the salad. All of the vegetables were sure getting a very conscious effort while we struggled with this conversation.
"All right then. I really don't have a problem talking about this. But with people who don't know, it can be difficult. People who know don't want to talk about it. And THEY aren't comfortable with me talking about it." I was getting a little nervous, my chest was feeling a little like I had swallowed five lungs full of exhaust fumes. "I was molested." He breathed deeply as if that statement relieved that same feeling of swallowed exhaust fumes from him. "I don't expect you to say anything. And I don't want you to be sorry for me. Sometimes I need to get this out and sort it out because not talking about it keeps it cluttered in my head. Does that make sense?"
"I think so." I busied myself by getting up and putting all of the salad vegetables in the salad bowl and tossing it with a little water. I put it in the fridge. I pulled the foil out of the drawer. "Let's go outside and get the grill ready." He obediently followed me out. Probably wondering how heartless could I be. Not saying anything. We were both quiet while I uncovered the gas grill and placed the clean foil on the grill. I turned on the propane tank and then the burners. Everything was ready here. I stared at the grill. He stared at the grill.
Very quietly he said "maybe I shouldn't have told you."
"No, it's okay. I just don't want to say the wrong thing." I really didn't.
"You can't say the wrong thing. You can ask questions. You can tell me you don't want to talk about it. Whatever...."
"I don''t need to ask you questions. And I don't think you need to answer them if I did. It sounds like there are other things you want to talk about...regarding this. Things other than what curiosities others might ask you." We stood staring at the grill. "If you want to talk to me. I'm right here." His shoulders slumped, slightly. Since we were avoiding looking at one another it was more of a perception than me seeing it. I knew how scared he was to say that out loud to someone and then wonder what their reaction would be. "Honestly, I also talk better when I am doing something so you have to work with me to get this dinner ready for mom and dad." I wanted to encourage him to talk, I was afraid of what he would say, I was afraid I was letting him down.
We went in and brought out the corn on the cob and a trash bag and sat down to husk the corn. There was silence for a few minutes. I didn't know whether to tell him I understood. Did he already know? Would Mary have told him? I didn't think she would. But I don't think I would have blamed her. It wasn't an easy thing to know about someone and not discuss it to try and make sense, and understand it.
"Does Mary know this?"
"No. It seems to make people very uncomfortable if they know something like this about you. It's weird. Because I don't feel uncomfortable talking about it, but those listening? They do."
"Why do you say this is the time for you to deal with your problems? What does that mean?"
He shifted his head as if to see his thoughts more clearly. "It's time that I don't let this rule my life anymore. That's what dad thinks anyway. He doesn't understand why something that's in the past should still be affecting me. He thinks I should be able to get past it."
"Why does he think that?"
"I don't really know why dad thinks anything that he thinks. I think he kind of blames me." He shook his head. "No..no." I jolted slightly at that but before I could react he said "that's not right. It's more like he's disappointed in me for it having happened to me. Like I'm damaged or something. I dunno. I can't really explain in."
"I'm sure he hurt for you Tim."
"Oh, I know that. When he found out I thought he was going to kill the guy. He was angrier than I have every seen anyone. And I didn't feel like he was angry at me then. Actually I felt so protected by his anger. I knew no one would hurt me again. Not like that. I felt safe because he was so mad and out of control. I don't know how much sense that makes. And... I think now, he's maybe bothered by any disappointments he may have in me...he blames on what happened to me. Like...if that hadn't of happened, how would I be different."
I didn't have to say much. But he's saying out loud a lot of stuff that sounds familiar. "Why ... I mean, did he say that?"
"It's hard to explain. No, he didn't say it. It's just how I feel." He was ripping the corn apart pretty good. "I think if given the chance he would physically hurt the guy who did it. Even now. But over the years he has changed. Something has changed. I know he would do anything for me, and he has. That's one of the reasons I don't want to tell him I don't want to go to an out of state university. He really believes that is what I need. To get out on my own." He chuckled and glanced at me "even though he's supporting me. The idea is to get away. Leave here. Have something new to look forward to so I won't have to hang on to the past."
"Does he think leaving will make you forget?"
"Maybe. He doesn't really understand the ramifications of all of this."
"Did you guys go to counseling?"
"They made sure I did. That's the first thing mom and dad made sure of. They hauled me off to a counselor who I saw for almost two years. They didn't want this to mess me up forever."
"Did they go?"
"Only when the counselor called them in to talk about my progress. Dad didn't understand why he would need counseling. It didn't happen to him. And as long as I was taken care of he was happy."
"So what happened?" I still didn't get a clear picture of his dad, and nothing of his mom.
"In counseling we talked a lot about how this affects others. Not just me but parents and friends, stuff like that. I think dad has just kept this in for so long and has gone over this in his head over and over again. And, he keeps seeing me. What happened to me. My guess is he hasn't dealt with it very well."
"Do you guys talk about it?"
"No, not really. Sometimes its mentioned but there isn't any talking about it anymore." We finished husking the corn and carried it in to wash it off and put it on the stove to boil. I was too lazy to grill it now. We got some pop out of the fridge and went outside to sit on the back steps.
im sure ive said so before but this is so so relatable, u write so well.
ReplyDeleteHugs, Alice x
Thank you Alice! I'm glad you came back to keep reading! :)
ReplyDelete