Something Different Something New

"All right ladies I am ready to go and have fun.  I didn't think you would ever get up Nicky."

"Shaun said the same thing.  What time did you guys get up?"

"One."  From Mary.

"Twelve".  From Tim.  All right so I need more rest than they do.  I could feel a little tingle going up and down my spine as Tim told me where to turn and what to do to get to Shaun's house.  I don't know that I  liked that feeling.  It hadn't always been a preemptor to good things in the past.  All too soon were on Shaun's street looking for a place to park.  We had to pass his house and park what seemed a mile away.   Still too close for me.  I felt like I was shaking so bad the car must be rocking but no one else said anything.   Internal tremors then.

We walked to the house where people were standing about, every where.  People going in and out of the house, on the front porch, around the sides of the house, and in the backyard.  The backyard was very large and very pretty.  The landscaping included a small fish pond, rock garden, many flower gardens and for the day there were tables and chair every where.  Close to the house, on the patio was food and drinks enough to feed every body there and then some.

I know why I hate going to parties.  It's this part.  the part where you first walk in and don't know what to do or where to go.  Add to that that we didn't know a lot of the people there and they didn't know us.  Most of everyone kept looking at us, and everyone else, to try and figure out who we, and everyone else, was.  So I stood there with this 'I hate this part' feeling and wishing I hadn't come.

"Let's get something to drink."  Mary pulled my elbow.  We just left our pop in the car.  But it was as good a diversion as any.  Tim followed along, waving at somebody sitting at one of the tables.

We opened the coolers and found some pop we liked.  "While we're here we might as well get something to eat.  I haven't eaten since the party."  I just followed Mary's lead.  I hadn't eaten either and the food looked good.  We filled our plates and I followed Tim who followed Mary to a table.  We sat and ate.  Finally I started to feel a little less nervous.  Maybe it had been a sugar drop.  It's amazing what food can do for you.

"Do you know very many people here Tim?"

"Just the one's from school and Shaun's mom and dad.  I guess everyone else is family and friends."

"I feel like a party crasher."

Mary gave me one of those 'don't be a moron' looks that only friends can get away with but she laughed too.  "Loosen up Nicky.  We're only here because we knew you wouldn't come if we didn't and you are the only reason Shaun invited us."

"No sir."

"Yes sir."  I looked at Tim for confirmation and he shrugged and smiled and shook his head yes.  

"I don't think Shaun would have asked you if he didn't want you to be here."

"I'm not saying he doesn't want us here, I'm just saying he wouldn't have thought of it if he didn't want you to be here."  Mary looked at Tim and made it obvious she was rolling her eyes at me.

"Sorry Nicky, I don't understand why you have such a hard time with the fact that somebody likes you."  Tim said it quite innocently and I took it that way.  Until I could see and feel Mary tense up.  And coming from Tim it probably didn't make sense.

"Nicky is just very....." Mary felt the need to protect me but I cut her off.   If I hadn't of told her anything she wouldn't be going where she is going now.  

"I guess I just never thought much about it Tim.  I don't have a lot of practice with it so maybe that's why I'm so uncomfortable.  Or not use to it."   All truths.

"Yeah but I don't understand that either.  I mean your cute, your smart, your easy to talk to.  I would think this kind of stuff would be easy for you."   If Mary thought she could get away with it I'm sure she would have kicked him to shut him up.  Actually, what he said was pretty nice.  It made me feel good.  He thinks I'm cute.  And easy to talk to?  I think my face is starting to burn.

"You're pretty easy to talk to Tim.  Mabye being an only child has a lot to do with it.  I think I'm just quiet by nature and people take that different ways.  Some think I'm stuck up.  Or shy.  Or boring.  Whatever."

"Stuck up?  You?  Never."  Mary rolled her eyes again.  Sometimes I would like to poke her in the eye for that.

"Thanks Tim."  I didn't know what else to say.  Shaun suddenly plopped down in the chair next to Tim.

"Hi".  He smiled at all of us but caught my eye.  He is kind of a cutie.  "Thank goodness for curious aunts.  They were in the kitchen with mom and me and looking out the window asking who was who of the people they didn't know."

"I knew it" I smiled at Mary and she rolled her eyes.  One of these days.

"Don't worry.  Half of the people here don't know the other half, and that half?  They don't know the first half."

"See Nicky, we aren't the only ones who don't know everyone here."   Tim said it to reassure me, which just made me feel like Shaun would think I was an insecure dweeb.

"I see you got something to eat.   Want anything else?"  We all mumbled our "no's" but thanks anyway.  "I have to go make some rounds or mom and dad will be fuming.  You guys want to play some cards or something?  I'll get a deck and we can play when I get done."

We all agreed on that.  Shaun left.  Now what.  Time immediately got very cumbersome.  It seemed to just sit there.  We talked about the party last night.  Some of the same kids that stopped at our table at last night's party stopped by here at Shaun's.   Dejavue.  While I sat there half of me was talking to everyone.  Half of me was in a panic.  What am I doing here?  Why am I even pretending that I am comfortable with this?  I don't belong here, not with these kids, at this party.  I could feel the fear jolts in my spine.  It sure seemed awfully bright out there.  I looked at their faces.  Mary, Tim...those two girls from last night.  They were all smiling.  Happy.

I can't do this.  I can't pretend that this is me and that I am okay being here.  I don't know Shaun.  I don't know his family.  For God's sake I don't even know these kids I have gone to school with forever.  And they don't have a clue about me.  The girls left.  Tim went to take our paper plates to the trash and get more drinks.  

"Mary, I don't feel very well."  Mary looked at me.  She put her hand on my arm.

"No, Nicky, you are not doing this."  She spoke low and determined.  What did she mean?  

"I am not doing what?"

"You are not going to go home and sit there and hide from having fun."

"I don't that that's what I'm doing."   Damn her.  Yes I am.

"Really?  I don't believe you.  But if you are really sick then let's go.  If you are kind of sick, we'll sit here and take it easy and see if you feel better.  If not, we will go.  But if you feel better, then we can stay and play cards.  That's all it is Nicky.  Just cards."

I wasn't about to tell her she was right when she already knew it.  "Then let's move this table in to the shade by the garage.  Maybe I'm just getting too hot."

"Good."  We stood up and moved the table and chairs about fifteen feet back until we were in the shade of the side of the garage.  Tim came back with more cans of pop.  

"I'm glad you guys moved that.  I was getting kind of hot."  Mary sneered at me and indicated by the sneer that she knew that was not my reason.  I sneered back.  She grinned.  Soon Shaun joined us and we began to play euchre.   But first we had to teach Tim.  Which took forever.  After he got the general idea we started to play.  And talk.  We only stopped for bathroom breaks and to get more to eat while we played.  And Shaun's periodic circling of the crowd to please his parents.  Besides playing with mom and dad and Mary and her family I hadn't really played euchre with anyone else.  This was kind of okay.

Too soon it was getting dark and almost everyone had left.  We helped Shaun's parents fold up tables and chairs and load them in to the back of a pick up truck.  His dad was taking them back to their church.  His mom went with him.  We sat at the picnic table on the lighted patio.  We half heartedly munched on potato chips and vegie sticks with dip.  

It was getting pretty dark.  And it was cooling off.  Too cold for the shorts I was wearing.  But I didn't want to be the one to say this night was over.  I wanted to go home.   Because I was tired and this day had been good.   And I wanted to stay.  Going home meant going to my room, taking a shower, reading or watching TV.  Normal, routine, comfortable and predictable.  Staying meant not knowing what was going to happen, a little excitement at not knowing.  A little fear at not being able to predict.

The others looked so relaxed.  This was so easy for them.  Why?  I have to admit, this was nice, fun in the simplicity of it even.  But why do I dissect everything.  Why can't I just enjoy it without labeling everything and putting some kind of order to it?  Where did this heavy feeling pressing against my back come from?  It was so much easier to stay at home or at least stay in the familiar.  Going to Mary's house and being around her family didn't bother me like this.  But then again, going to grandma and grandpa's bothered me a lot. 

This is stupid.  God I'm tired!   That's all!  It is not something else.  Just say I'm cold and want to go home.  There is no hidden excuse in that.  And I am tired.  Just say it.  Or sit here and wait for someone else to come up with something to do or somewhere to go or something of anything.  Oh God I'm so tired I can't even keep my head up.  Sit here and wait for someone else to suggest something when I already know I want to go home and go to bed.  I didn't much feel like having Mary roll her eyes at me.  She's just going to have to understand that everything I do is not rooted in some deep psychosis. 

Shaun and I had managed to end up sitting next to each other.  Close enough I could feel warmth from him.  But it just was not enough to keep me warm.  I was trying not to let my teeth chatter.  I nearly screamed in my head because I didn't want to go.

But when you get this tired, there's only physical pain in trying to have fun and stay awake.

"I don't know about the rest of you, but I am sooo tired.  I think I'm ready to go home and go to bed."  To my surprise Mary jumped right on that and we were heading to the car within minutes.  Shaun thanked me for coming and I was a little torn at having to leave.  But I got the feeling he might of been just as tired as me.  I was greatly relieved to get in the car and head for my bed.  I turned the heat on, which is not something you normally need in June.  But it was a chilly night.  Neither Tim nor Mary seemed bothered by my readiness to leave.  After dropping Tim off I drove as quickly as I dared being so tired.

Mary was pretty quiet.  "Are you thinking about anything?"  She was leaning in towards the vents trying to suck in warm air.  

"Not really.  I had a good though, did you?"

"Yeah, I did.  Do you think Tim and Shaun did?"