Something Different Something New

"All right ladies I am ready to go and have fun.  I didn't think you would ever get up Nicky."

"Shaun said the same thing.  What time did you guys get up?"

"One."  From Mary.

"Twelve".  From Tim.  All right so I need more rest than they do.  I could feel a little tingle going up and down my spine as Tim told me where to turn and what to do to get to Shaun's house.  I don't know that I  liked that feeling.  It hadn't always been a preemptor to good things in the past.  All too soon were on Shaun's street looking for a place to park.  We had to pass his house and park what seemed a mile away.   Still too close for me.  I felt like I was shaking so bad the car must be rocking but no one else said anything.   Internal tremors then.

We walked to the house where people were standing about, every where.  People going in and out of the house, on the front porch, around the sides of the house, and in the backyard.  The backyard was very large and very pretty.  The landscaping included a small fish pond, rock garden, many flower gardens and for the day there were tables and chair every where.  Close to the house, on the patio was food and drinks enough to feed every body there and then some.

I know why I hate going to parties.  It's this part.  the part where you first walk in and don't know what to do or where to go.  Add to that that we didn't know a lot of the people there and they didn't know us.  Most of everyone kept looking at us, and everyone else, to try and figure out who we, and everyone else, was.  So I stood there with this 'I hate this part' feeling and wishing I hadn't come.

"Let's get something to drink."  Mary pulled my elbow.  We just left our pop in the car.  But it was as good a diversion as any.  Tim followed along, waving at somebody sitting at one of the tables.

We opened the coolers and found some pop we liked.  "While we're here we might as well get something to eat.  I haven't eaten since the party."  I just followed Mary's lead.  I hadn't eaten either and the food looked good.  We filled our plates and I followed Tim who followed Mary to a table.  We sat and ate.  Finally I started to feel a little less nervous.  Maybe it had been a sugar drop.  It's amazing what food can do for you.

"Do you know very many people here Tim?"

"Just the one's from school and Shaun's mom and dad.  I guess everyone else is family and friends."

"I feel like a party crasher."

Mary gave me one of those 'don't be a moron' looks that only friends can get away with but she laughed too.  "Loosen up Nicky.  We're only here because we knew you wouldn't come if we didn't and you are the only reason Shaun invited us."

"No sir."

"Yes sir."  I looked at Tim for confirmation and he shrugged and smiled and shook his head yes.  

"I don't think Shaun would have asked you if he didn't want you to be here."

"I'm not saying he doesn't want us here, I'm just saying he wouldn't have thought of it if he didn't want you to be here."  Mary looked at Tim and made it obvious she was rolling her eyes at me.

"Sorry Nicky, I don't understand why you have such a hard time with the fact that somebody likes you."  Tim said it quite innocently and I took it that way.  Until I could see and feel Mary tense up.  And coming from Tim it probably didn't make sense.

"Nicky is just very....." Mary felt the need to protect me but I cut her off.   If I hadn't of told her anything she wouldn't be going where she is going now.  

"I guess I just never thought much about it Tim.  I don't have a lot of practice with it so maybe that's why I'm so uncomfortable.  Or not use to it."   All truths.

"Yeah but I don't understand that either.  I mean your cute, your smart, your easy to talk to.  I would think this kind of stuff would be easy for you."   If Mary thought she could get away with it I'm sure she would have kicked him to shut him up.  Actually, what he said was pretty nice.  It made me feel good.  He thinks I'm cute.  And easy to talk to?  I think my face is starting to burn.

"You're pretty easy to talk to Tim.  Mabye being an only child has a lot to do with it.  I think I'm just quiet by nature and people take that different ways.  Some think I'm stuck up.  Or shy.  Or boring.  Whatever."

"Stuck up?  You?  Never."  Mary rolled her eyes again.  Sometimes I would like to poke her in the eye for that.

"Thanks Tim."  I didn't know what else to say.  Shaun suddenly plopped down in the chair next to Tim.

"Hi".  He smiled at all of us but caught my eye.  He is kind of a cutie.  "Thank goodness for curious aunts.  They were in the kitchen with mom and me and looking out the window asking who was who of the people they didn't know."

"I knew it" I smiled at Mary and she rolled her eyes.  One of these days.

"Don't worry.  Half of the people here don't know the other half, and that half?  They don't know the first half."

"See Nicky, we aren't the only ones who don't know everyone here."   Tim said it to reassure me, which just made me feel like Shaun would think I was an insecure dweeb.

"I see you got something to eat.   Want anything else?"  We all mumbled our "no's" but thanks anyway.  "I have to go make some rounds or mom and dad will be fuming.  You guys want to play some cards or something?  I'll get a deck and we can play when I get done."

We all agreed on that.  Shaun left.  Now what.  Time immediately got very cumbersome.  It seemed to just sit there.  We talked about the party last night.  Some of the same kids that stopped at our table at last night's party stopped by here at Shaun's.   Dejavue.  While I sat there half of me was talking to everyone.  Half of me was in a panic.  What am I doing here?  Why am I even pretending that I am comfortable with this?  I don't belong here, not with these kids, at this party.  I could feel the fear jolts in my spine.  It sure seemed awfully bright out there.  I looked at their faces.  Mary, Tim...those two girls from last night.  They were all smiling.  Happy.

I can't do this.  I can't pretend that this is me and that I am okay being here.  I don't know Shaun.  I don't know his family.  For God's sake I don't even know these kids I have gone to school with forever.  And they don't have a clue about me.  The girls left.  Tim went to take our paper plates to the trash and get more drinks.  

"Mary, I don't feel very well."  Mary looked at me.  She put her hand on my arm.

"No, Nicky, you are not doing this."  She spoke low and determined.  What did she mean?  

"I am not doing what?"

"You are not going to go home and sit there and hide from having fun."

"I don't that that's what I'm doing."   Damn her.  Yes I am.

"Really?  I don't believe you.  But if you are really sick then let's go.  If you are kind of sick, we'll sit here and take it easy and see if you feel better.  If not, we will go.  But if you feel better, then we can stay and play cards.  That's all it is Nicky.  Just cards."

I wasn't about to tell her she was right when she already knew it.  "Then let's move this table in to the shade by the garage.  Maybe I'm just getting too hot."

"Good."  We stood up and moved the table and chairs about fifteen feet back until we were in the shade of the side of the garage.  Tim came back with more cans of pop.  

"I'm glad you guys moved that.  I was getting kind of hot."  Mary sneered at me and indicated by the sneer that she knew that was not my reason.  I sneered back.  She grinned.  Soon Shaun joined us and we began to play euchre.   But first we had to teach Tim.  Which took forever.  After he got the general idea we started to play.  And talk.  We only stopped for bathroom breaks and to get more to eat while we played.  And Shaun's periodic circling of the crowd to please his parents.  Besides playing with mom and dad and Mary and her family I hadn't really played euchre with anyone else.  This was kind of okay.

Too soon it was getting dark and almost everyone had left.  We helped Shaun's parents fold up tables and chairs and load them in to the back of a pick up truck.  His dad was taking them back to their church.  His mom went with him.  We sat at the picnic table on the lighted patio.  We half heartedly munched on potato chips and vegie sticks with dip.  

It was getting pretty dark.  And it was cooling off.  Too cold for the shorts I was wearing.  But I didn't want to be the one to say this night was over.  I wanted to go home.   Because I was tired and this day had been good.   And I wanted to stay.  Going home meant going to my room, taking a shower, reading or watching TV.  Normal, routine, comfortable and predictable.  Staying meant not knowing what was going to happen, a little excitement at not knowing.  A little fear at not being able to predict.

The others looked so relaxed.  This was so easy for them.  Why?  I have to admit, this was nice, fun in the simplicity of it even.  But why do I dissect everything.  Why can't I just enjoy it without labeling everything and putting some kind of order to it?  Where did this heavy feeling pressing against my back come from?  It was so much easier to stay at home or at least stay in the familiar.  Going to Mary's house and being around her family didn't bother me like this.  But then again, going to grandma and grandpa's bothered me a lot. 

This is stupid.  God I'm tired!   That's all!  It is not something else.  Just say I'm cold and want to go home.  There is no hidden excuse in that.  And I am tired.  Just say it.  Or sit here and wait for someone else to come up with something to do or somewhere to go or something of anything.  Oh God I'm so tired I can't even keep my head up.  Sit here and wait for someone else to suggest something when I already know I want to go home and go to bed.  I didn't much feel like having Mary roll her eyes at me.  She's just going to have to understand that everything I do is not rooted in some deep psychosis. 

Shaun and I had managed to end up sitting next to each other.  Close enough I could feel warmth from him.  But it just was not enough to keep me warm.  I was trying not to let my teeth chatter.  I nearly screamed in my head because I didn't want to go.

But when you get this tired, there's only physical pain in trying to have fun and stay awake.

"I don't know about the rest of you, but I am sooo tired.  I think I'm ready to go home and go to bed."  To my surprise Mary jumped right on that and we were heading to the car within minutes.  Shaun thanked me for coming and I was a little torn at having to leave.  But I got the feeling he might of been just as tired as me.  I was greatly relieved to get in the car and head for my bed.  I turned the heat on, which is not something you normally need in June.  But it was a chilly night.  Neither Tim nor Mary seemed bothered by my readiness to leave.  After dropping Tim off I drove as quickly as I dared being so tired.

Mary was pretty quiet.  "Are you thinking about anything?"  She was leaning in towards the vents trying to suck in warm air.  

"Not really.  I had a good though, did you?"

"Yeah, I did.  Do you think Tim and Shaun did?"

Having Fun-I Can

I woke feeling the same feelings from my sleep, which were carried in to my sleep from the party.  I looked at my alarm clock.  It was almost three in the afternoon.  What an odd time to be waking up.  I lay there listening to the house.  Same sounds.  Everything felt so fresh.  That was a Sunday feeling.  I didn't want to move but didn't want to waste away the rest of the day either.  I got out of bed, made it, and changed into some shorts and a t-shirt.  Pulled my hair in to a pony tail.

Downstairs was empty.  I poured a glass of cranberry juice from the refrigerator and looked out the back door.  Dad was sitting in a lawn chair talking to mom who was sitting on the ground doing something with a potted plant.  I wondered out to where they sat.

"Hi".  They looked up and smiled that smile of accomplishment.  I had graduated and they still felt good about it.

"Hi.  We thought you might sleep all day."  I sat on the ground next to mom.  "You've had quite a few calls already.  I think everyone else you graduated with beat you by about three hours."

"What do you mean?"

"Mary called and so did that friend of hers, Tim.  And some nice sounding young man named Shaun called.  They would all like for you to call them AS SOON as you wake up."  I knew she was dying to ask who Shaun was.

"Oh".  I couldn't help but smile.  Inside and out.  That made mom smile and dad just looked at me.

He couldn't stand it.  "Who's Shaun?"  I caught mom throwing him a mother look and he just shrugged at her.

"He graduated, we just talked a lot last night.  He wanted me and Mary and Tim to go to his graduation party today."

"Are you going?"  Mom looked hopeful.  Like I said, I don't think I gave them much excitement in life.

"I was going to call Mary and see if she wanted to go,"

"You know where the phone is."  Dad was just a little too blase as he flipped his hand towards the house.  Mom threw a clump of dirt at him from the potted plant.

"Leave her alone Neil."

He looked indignant.  "Oh....and you haven't been out her for the last two hours painting pictures of who this Shaun is and their life together."

Mom blushed.  "I have not Nicky.  I was just curious as to who he was and if we know him."

"It's all right mom.  I'll go call him."  I got up and walked away but not before hearing mom start to lay in to dad about why he would say that to me.  Poor mom.   Poor dad.  They were too funny but it was kind of sad that they were this excited about a call from a boy.

I called Mary first because I wasn't going anywhere unless she went.  She asked why not.  She even asked if Tim might want to go with us just for fun so we hung up and she was going to call Tim.

I sat staring at the phone in my hand before calling Shaun.  I had never done that.  Call a guy.  A guy I kinda wanted to see.  A guy I felt kind of nervous about in a happy sort of way.  I could feel a nervous tremor in my hand as I started to dial his number from the note mom had left on the counter by the house phone.  He picked up on the first ring.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this Shaun?"

"Nicky?  I didn't think you would ever wake up!"

"Well I just did."

"Are you coming over?"

"I think so.  I think Mary and Tim are too if that's still okay."

"It's great.  When?"

"Well I still need to get dressed and pick up Mary and Tim and find out how to get to your house."

"If you're picking up Tim he knows how to get here.  Just dress casual.  Shorts or something.  No one is dressed up here."

I told him we would be there as soon as we all got ready.  While I was upstairs getting ready Mary came up.  She was sitting in my room when I came out of the bathroom.  She was wearing new shorts and shoes and looked as cute as could be.  I had on new clothes mom had picked up weeks ago but I had never worn.

"I think we look great Nicky.  Are you going to fix your hair?"  I had just rebrushed it and put it back in a pony tail.

"No, I like it like this."

"Okay, Time said he would be ready for us.  I kind of figured you would want to drive."

I smiled.  New car.  "Good guess."  We went downstairs and outside and told mom and dad our plans which thrilled them I could tell.  But I could also see them straining to not let me see that.

In the car Mary let me know that she had noticed.   "Your mom and dad sure seemed excited about you going to this party."

"I know.  Sometimes I feel like I've let them down.  Like I haven't given them enough, or much, to be excited about as parents."

"I would think most parents would like not having too much excitement.  I mean, thin of the anxiety parents must live with."

"I know.  But I mean good excitement.  Like me going to the prom or on dates or being on a team.  Stuff like that."

"I don't think you have anything to worry about.  You surely are not a disappointment to your parents."

"You don't think so?"   It was good to hear her say that.  Mary wouldn't lie to me.

"God no Nicky.  Your parents adore you."

"I know.  I just must be awfully boring to them.  You should have seen them when I got up and went downstairs.  They didn't even ask about the party they went right to Shaun's calling and couldn't wait for me to call him back."

"Well, it is kind of exciting.  I mean, even I'm excited about it."

"Why?"  I was taking my time driving to Tim's.  I felt like talking.  I wanted to know what everyone felt and Mary would do her best to explain it.  "Wait!"  I saw a drive thru and pulled in to it.

"What are you doing?"

"This is my first real drive somewhere in my own car, and we should go to our first drive thru in my car and get something to drink.  My treat."

"All right.  A case of beer."

"Get serious."

"It was worth a try.  All right, a root beer."   I ordered a rootbeer and a rasberry flavored water and a bag of pretzels, just to order something.  We went on our way.

"Okay, so why is this is exciting for you that Shaun wants me to go to his party."

"Nicky, are you serious?  I have never seen you go out with a boy, or even want to.  And NO I don't think you have to be with a guy to be happy, but I also think that you avoid doing fun things.  I think you would enjoy yourself."

"I don't think I avoid fun."

"I am not going to argue with you about that.  But, yes, you do.  How many games didn't you go to so you could stay home?  The same thing with dances, parties, just going out.  You would rather not do those things."

"That's not a bad thing."

"Maybe, maybe not.  I guess it depends on why you are doing it.  Or rather, not doing it."

I knew she meant Doug.  Or what Doug had done.  "I don't know Mary.  Maybe.  But I was more comfortable at home.  I am not all that comfortable around a lot of people.   And that is not a bad thing."

"Because you don't want them to know anything about you."

"Do you work with your mother or something?"

"She is pretty smart you know.  And I do like reading her books."

"We aren't all book cases you know."

"I know Nicky. I don't think for a minute that you are a typical case of anything.  I say what I say because I know you and what say comes from my heart, not any books I read."

"I'll buy that."   She smiled.  We were getting close to Tim's.  I didn't want to keep talking about this.  Mary did know me.  But no matter how well she knows me, she doesn't know everything.  Tim was waiting on the porch for us.  As soon as he saw us he opened the front door like he was yelling something in to the house and was in the driveway standing there waiting but the time I stopped the car by him.  He opened Mary's door and climbed in the back seat behind her.

Party To Sleep

"What time is it?"  We all looked at our watches.  New watches.

"Five fifteen."  In the morning?  I couldn't believe it.  I am very much off my schedule.  And I feel great.  Tired but relaxed.

"We can leave at six can't we?"  Mary wasn't having as much fun.  Or she felt bad about her and Tim.  

"I think so.  Do you guys want to go out to breakfast?"  Tim looked eagerly at all of us.  

Before I could answer Mary did.  "I am so tired you guys.  I want to go to bed."  She looked apologetic but...

"Sure" nice.  Uncomfortable pause.  "But I am hungry.  I'll be back."

"I'll go with you."  Shaun went with Tim.

"Are you mad about something Mary?"

She tried to look fake surprised.   "Me?"

"Yes.  You.   What's wrong?"

She slumped on to the table and talked in to the table cloth.  "I am just very tired and want to go to bed."  If she didn't want to tell me I wasn't going to demand her to.    "I just feel uncomfortable."   Still, to the table cloth.

"About what?"

"With Tim and everything."  We aren't really seeing each other now."

"So I heard."

"From who?"  She turned her head so she was looking up, with the side of her head on the table.

"Tim."

"I just don't want him to think this is serious.  I'd rather tell him now and not just go along with it so I don't hurt his feelings."

"He really likes you Mary.  His feelings will hurt."

"I know that.  And I like him.  But that's all.  Like...nothing more.  I don't want to hurt him Nicky.  That's what makes this worse. If he got mad or I didn't like him because he was a jerk or something.  But he isn't.  He is so ...gentle, sweet."   She left her head lying on the table.   Looking at me.

"Then let him be okay with this.  Don't be miserable about it.  He'll be okay.  You can be friends.  It isn't like you've been serious."

"I haven't but I think he was."

"Well...yeah, but I mean you haven't .... you know"   I really don't want to know this "done anything."

She closed her eyes.  "No.  Nicky.  We haven't."

"It'll be alright Mary.  We do you have to be uncomfortable around him.  That would make it worse on him."

"I know.  Maybe after I get some sleep I'll be alright."

Tim and Shaun came back to the table carrying a load of donuts and bagels.  We gorged.  Even Mary ate.  Mary wasn't the only one getting tired.  There were heads lying on tables and hanging back all over the room. The music in the corner was still playing.  But it was soft.  Slow music.  There were some die hards still dancing.

"Anybody have any big plans today?"  I felt like talking, even with my mouth full.

"Bed."  Mary had only one focus.

"Dinner with my grandparents."

"My family is having a graduation party for me.  You are guys are all welcome to come over."  Shaun was looking right at me.  

"Another party?"   I was liking the idea of bed.

"Sure, how often do you graduate from high school?"

"Don't you have to sleep?"

"I promised mom and dad I would come right home from here and go to sleep.  They really put a lot of work in to this so I figured I better let them..  Would you come over?"

Mary and Tim were both trying to make it look like they weren't watching me.  "Yes.  I would.  But I can't promise.  What time?"

"Since it's Sunday it's an early party.  We're starting about three."

"I'll try."  It felt good that Shaun looked pleased.   Maybe even excited.  But it felt scary too.  We sat quietly looking at everyone else around the gym.  It didn't look like anyone had left early.  And though I was tired and this was suppose to be the end of my high school experience I felt as if it was the first high school experience I had.  

Why is it, tonight, that I feel young.   For so long I didn't know what young felt like.   It feels like this?  It feels good.

There was a quietness, a hush, over all of us.  Everyone seemed to be aware of what this was.  It would be the last time that this group of people would ever be together like this.  Young.  Excited.  With unknown and undreamed of lives in front of us.

There was a group of girls on the dance floor in a big hug.  They were crying.  They were familiar faces.  But unknown people, to me.  Could I have been one of them?  I watched them.  I looked at others who watched them and I could see sad faces.  Faces that smiled.  Either because they looked silly out there sobbing or because they felt something kindred to those girls.  I glanced at Mary who's face was propped up on her hands, but she was looking at everyone else also.  Tim was looking at Mary.  Shaun was looking around the gym.

The song ended and the DJ announced he was playing the last song.  Of course it was "Auld Lang Syne."  Many couples got up to dance.  Many turned their chairs to watch, listen, sing under their breaths.  Mary got up and took Tim's hand and they went to dance.  I didn't want to dance.  Not to this.  It didn't feel right.  Shaun either didn't want to dance either or got a good feeling from me that I didn't want to.  He slid his chair right next to me and rested his elbows on his knees and his face in hands.  Watching.  Part of me wanted to reach out and caress the hair just touching the nape of his neck.  Part of me squirmed at the thought of doing such a thing.

The song ended.  Everyone stood or sat completely still for a brief moment.  Then someone flipped on the over head lights and nearly blinded us all.   Then everyone cheered.  We were now ready to be adults.  Or the so the world told us.  First, I think most of us wanted to go to bed.

Mary and TIm returned.  We all gathered our pictures, jackets, ties, purses.   Everyone made their way out to the cool air of the morning.  Tables were set up to hand back our car keys by alphabet.  Find your last name letter, get your keys back.  There were also little gift bags for each of us with mementos emblemazed with our school mascot, our year of graduation.  Nice.

Shaun walked us to my car.  "I hope you can come to my party."

Tim and Mary quickly got in my car.  They were so obvious.  "I'll try Shaun.  But I'm not sure what my parents have planned."

He hung his head a little and stared at his shoe, or mine.  "I'm glad I finally got to talk to you Nicky."

"Me too."  What do I say!  For crying out loud why can't I say something.....smart!  He stood there and stared at me.  A little unnerving I must say.  

"Well....okay.  Maybe I'll see you at my house then."  It was a statement not a question.  I smiled.  He smiled.  He backed away from the car.  I got in and he closed my door.  As we pulled away Mary and Tim started singing "kiss the girl" from "The Little Mermaid" and then Mary moaned.  Then Tim moaned.  

"What is wrong with you two?"

"Nicky that poor guy wanted to kiss you and you just blew him off."   Mary shook her head.

"He did not."  I looked at Tim in the rearview mirror for confirmation of this.  He shook his head yes.  "Yeah, he did."  I stared at Tim like he was a traitor.  "Sorry" and he shrugged his shoulders.  I was not going there with them.  Not right now.  I was too tired.  We chatted aimlessly until we dropped Tim off.  Then Mary tried to talk about Shaun, and I wanted to talk about Tim, but we were both too tired to really talk about either.  We agreed we really didn't need to talk right now at all.  Maybe later.  I dropped Mary off and went home.  Took a shower.  Went to bed.  I knew mom or dad, or both, were awake in their room.  But I was too tired and they didn't come out to ask so I didn't go in to tell them about the night.  It would also wait.

I lie in my bed with my covers neatly around me.  I stared at my familiar ceiling.  This night.  What have I done with my life?  Why did I wait until tonight to let something make me feel good?  I thought over the entire evening.  I felt comfortable with people I did not know very well.  How was this possible when I am not even comfortable with people I know?  I thought of the hug I gave Tim and Emmit.  WHere did that come from?  I don't even like hugging my parents.  All of the faces and the stories from the night swam through my head while I slept.

I think I slept.   

Graduating To Something Better

"Might as well."  I caught a slight twitch in Tim's face.  I knew he thought she was mad at him for some reason and I wanted to slap her for making him feel that way.  In all the times we had been together I had never seen Tim be anything but generous and very easy to talk to.  I don't know about her but I felt this was awkward.

"You guys want anything, I'm kind of hungry?"  They both shook their heads so I left them and wandered away.  God this is going to be a long night.   Now I was ready to go home and now I remembered why I don't do these things often.   Dealing with people was just too hard.

I went to one of the tables set up with sandwiches and one of the moms working was too cheerful, and excited.   It took ten minutes to pick up a sandwich and get away.  I sat in a chair by the wall behind the food table.  This mom was too happy.  She chatted easily with everyone who approached her table and seemed to pass her good cheer on to all.  I sat watching, and felt myself enjoying her.  And her happiness.  

I finally left my seat, with a smile of my own.  It was comforting to watch her kindness and apparent thrill at our success.  I went to the end of the gym where they were dancing and sat at an empty table.  Most of the couples who were dancing were familiar faces and familiar pairings.  The kinds of kids I saw at every thing that I did bother to attend.  And more than likely they attended every school function.  They thrived in high school, in life, or with it.

I'm not sure how long I was sitting there watching before I realized someone was sitting at the large found table with me.  It was Shaun.  He smiled.   "Hi."

"Hi."

"I didn't want to bother you."

"You aren't."  He smiled and looked over at the others dancing.  I watched him watching them for a few seconds.  We were quiet for a few minutes.

"Can I sit here and talk with you a little?"

"Sure."

"Do you know who I am?"

"Yes Shaun, do you know who I am?"  We both smiled.  He got up and moved closer, to the chair next to me.

"I was hoping you would be here."

"So I heard, how's come?"

"I guess I wanted to talk with you."

"About what?"

He looked startled.   "Uh...to talk, to get to know you I mean."

"Oh..."  I laughed, feeling nervous.  "Sorry, that was stupid of me."

"No...no...it just kind of surprised me.  Where's Mary and Tim?"  He half heartedly looked around.  

"Waiting to get their charactures drawn." 

"I thought that was pretty neat.  I had mine done.  Are you going to have yours?"

"Yeah, who is that doing the drawing?"  Shaun looked over at the still small crowd around the artist. 

"That's Emmit, don't you remember him?"

"No, who is he?"

"He graduated last year.  He does a lot of stuff with the art department.  He just finished his first year at the university.  He's going to be a teacher.  Everyone says he should be an artist.  But I guess he really wants to teach.  Art is what he does for fun he says."

"Do you know him?"

"Yeah, I'm surprised you don't.  Emmit seems to know everyone."   We were quiet for a few minutes watching Emmit.  Actually, watching everyone who was watching Emmit.  I guess maybe he was familiar.  But I didn't know him.  It's my own fault.  I don't feel like I belong because I never joined in.  I wasn't a part of my own life here.  How depressing.  I could have cried.

"Hey, let's walk around a little.  Or would you like to dance?"

"I think I would rather walk."  So we walked,  And talked.  As we walked out of the gym Tim caught my eye and smiled at me, for me.  The entire first floor of the school was open with activities in some classrooms, and some were just set up to be able to go in and sit and talk.  I never realized how many people I had gone through the last four years of my life with.  How did I do that without being aware of most of them.   

We roamed the school for what seemed like a very short time, stopping and sitting in some rooms, playing games in others.  Everywhere people were cheerful, excited, and very tired.  Sometimes I caught myself watching others more than listening to Shaun.  Sometimes we didn't even talk, we just sat or walked. We made it back to the gym and went to see Emmit.  I thought Emmit must have been very tired.  We stood in the line with about six people in front of us.  No one seemed impatient.

"I can't believe I waited until the last night of school to finally talk to you."

"You've been wanting to talk to me?  Why didn't you?"  He was at least eight inches taller than me, dark and wavy hair, brown eyes that glowed behind his glasses.

"I don't know...you didn't...well...you weren't at a lot of school functions."

"I was at some."  I wasn't at a lot.

He looked down at his feet.  "Don't take me wrong because I have loved talking to you tonight...but you seemed kind of unapproachable."

"ME?"   

"Yes, you.  But not stuck up like.  Just, like you didn't want to be bothered."  I pretended to look at something past him, I checked the time.  I wanted to cry.  Why?   Because I didn't want to be bothered.   Being bothered didn't feel good.   "Nicky I'm sorry.  I didn't mean that to sound..."

"No, Shaun...I guess maybe I did come across like that."

He placed his hand very gently on my arm "are you okay?"

I stared at his hand.  Geez.  Do not start crying.  Don't cry.  Don't cry.  "I'm okay.  I think I am so tired that I am getting emotional from exhaustion".  He kind of patted my arm and pulled his hand back.  I wanted to cry...because when he touched me, it felt good.  It felt okay.  Safe.

"Why don't I get us something to drink while we wait here?"  I smiled in relief.  Gratitude.  He grinned as he took a few backward steps, then turned and walked away.

Is this what I have missed out on?  Someone nice and concerned and pleasant.  He voice was so soft.  His manners so...mannerly.  While we walked around so many people said so many nice things, and a lot of them did the "remember when we" stories with Shaun.  And we would all laugh.  But I wasn't part of the remember when stories.  What was I doing?  What was I a part of?  My eyes were burning.  Someone tapped me on the shoulder.  I turned to see a smiling Tim at my side.

"Hey, how's it going?"

"Pretty good."

"Ha!  You've been with Shaun for hours and all you can say is 'pretty good'?"

"Hours?"  I looked at my new watch.  Yeah.  Hours.

"Yes!"  I laughed at his silliness.  He was acting very much like a fifth grader and I loved it.

"Okay, it has been pretty wonderful tonight.  Is that better?"

"A little."  

"Where's Mary?"

He avoided looking at me suddenly.  "We kind of talked."

"About....?"    I already knew.

"We kind of, we've decided, we kind of agreed that we were meant to be more like friends....than dating."  He was smiling at his feet.  There was no sincerity to his smile.

"Who decided that?"

"We did.  I already knew before she said anything.  I mean, about how she felt.  Most people's feelings are pretty obvious."

"Do you think so?"

"Yep."

"I'm sorry Tim.  I know you really care about her."

"Sure...but I would rather have her in my life as a friend than not at all."  There was a little flash of sarcasm.  Or pain.  I would how many people say that and don't mean it.  This time I reached out and patted Tim's arm.  I kept my hand on his arm.  He looked at my hand, much the same way I had looked at his, and smiled at me.  "And you know what else?"

"What?"

"I like that I got to know you."

That felt good.  "I'm glad you said that.  I have kind of gotten use to you.  I think I like you Tim."  He laughed.  He hugged me.  I hugged him back.  Shaun joined us and he gave me a pop.  I couldn't believe how comfortable this was.  Slowly we made our way to the front of the line.  Shaun watched as Emmit drew my picture, he and Tim kept telling him where to draw warts and horns.  When he was done I took the picture and was a little fearful of how he saw me.  I turned it to look at it.

What I saw was what I felt now.  How I felt.  Now.   My entire face was pretty much a smile.  He had even drawn a small star in one of my eyes.  Emmit was standing, waiting for my reaction.  I kept looking at the picture.  What a happy picture.  I smiled at Emmit.  I didn't know what to say to him.  I felt good, and Emmit saw that.  I threw my arms around Emmit and hugged him.  That was not predictable!  Who was I tonight?

We went back to the table we had been sitting at earlier.  Mary and Tim each had their picture lying on the table, Shaun went to get his.  We compared them all.  Mary joined us.  The entire time we sat and talked and laughed.  Sometimes I felt like was separate, watching.  It was an unreal experience.  Maybe not unreal, but unfamiliar, yet wanted.  Mary sat on the other side of Tim, who was sitting next to me.  She still seemed a little reserved.  I don't get people.  Not even Mary half of the time.  Here is Tim, who was obviously crazy for her and she doesn't want that.  I guess she can't help it if the feelings aren't there.  I'm not sure that's what it is though.

Cloaked In Self Protection

"You know Mary..he has got to be one of the sweetest people I know."

"He is.  He loves to talk.  Walk.  Be with me.  He took me out last week and our date was at the park.  We talked, walked and he never let go of my hand the entire time.  It was...comfortable.  But exciting."  We watched him walk away.

"Sounds pretty great to me."  To be comfortable with someone.  I think I envied that.

"It is great...I guess."  That didn't sound like love talking.   I looked at her and she shrugged her shoulders at me. "I do like him.  I really like him.  But it just feels like something's missing.  It's stupid.  I know.  Here's this great guy who treats me like gold and I want something more.  Or different.  I don't know."  She looked up over my head and sat up and away to pull out of the conversation.  Tim was coming, carrying our drinks.

"One for each of you ladies."  He sat on the other side of Mary and leaned in to talk to both of us.  I looked at his face.  Soft, clear and dark blue eyes.  Cute, not stunning, but it sure didn't hurt to look at him.  He was lean and taller than Mary.  Dark auburn hair.  "Nicky are seeing any body?"

"Uh...no."  Mary started to turn her head to give him, I know, a 'don't go there' look.  But she stopped when I smiled at Tim.

"Well...don't look."  Which of course made me want to look but he leaned in closer over Mary which made her lean in, which of course drew me in to the leaning in group.  "But somebody was asking about you."  Immediately Mary's head popped up out of the conversation t look past me in the direction Tim had come from.  There were hundreds of people but she must have thought "he" would have a neon sign pointing him out to her.

"Mary".  Tim put his hand on her shoulder and pulled her down to our conversation again.  "He just asked if you were here with any one."

"Who was it?"  Mary demanded before I could even blink.

"Shaun Hurdle".  Mary's mouth dropped open.  Why, I don't know.  But it did.

"Shaun?"   She seemed stunned.

"Why are you so surprised?"  Tim looked at Mary, surprised at her surprise. I sat and watched as Mary and Tim discussed this without me.  Without even noticing if I had a reaction.

"Shaun?  I don't know.  I guess I never...I don't know."  Tim laughed as he leaned in closer.  He was making Mary uncomfortable.  Or she was uncomfortable about something else.  Why was she so surprised?  Probably because since I didn't show interest in someone, anyone, I would think she assumed the world would know not to bother.  I know that's what she thought.  It was certainly how I felt.

Tim looked at me "do you know Shaun?"

"I know who he is but I don't really know him."  I wanted to know what he said.  Exactly.  But I didn't want to ask.  Mostly because Mary would wonder what came over me and I would have to explain me wanting to know.  

Mary spoke up "what exactly did he say?"   I knew she would have to know and smiled inwardly.

"He came up to me while I was getting our pop and asked if I was with you guys.  Then he asked if you were with anyone."  He smiled at me.  He seemed very happy about this.

"Is that all he said?"  I could read Mary's disappointment.  In Tim's casual reply or the lack of depth to Shaun's inquiry.

"Yeah, he said 'oh' and just stood there.  I brought the pop back and that was it."

"You just left him there?  What if he wanted to ask more?"  Tim looked at her.   A little stunned.

"But he didn't".  Mary looked at him like he was daft.

Mary turned to me and I felt like laughing at them both.  "Do you like Shaun?"

"I don't know.  I just know who he is.  I don't know a thing about him to know if I like him or not."

"Okay okay.  DO you think you might like him?"  She was sounding pretty desperate.  Which was a little annoying.

"Mary he didn't ask Tim if I would marry him.  He just asked him if I was with anyone.  That doesn't really mean anything."

"Well...it could."  She leaned in close.  So I leaned in closer and she whispered "don't you want to find out?"

I sat back.  Do I want to find out?  If someone likes me, was interested in me?  It did feel kind of good.  Yes, I was curious.  Maybe not as much as Tim and Mary.  I gave her a smile, she visibly relaxed.  Tim had respected our little conversation but not leaning in.  But when the smiles appeared he leaned back in.

"I could go find out more."

"No don't do that."  We just graduated high school, not eighth grade.  But I could tell he felt like he had let Mary down somehow.

Mary had other ideas.  "It won't hurt to make yourself available for any more questions.  What's it going to hurt?"  Mary and Tim shrugged like ...it will hurt nothing.  Except my pride.  And off he went.

Mary leaned in closer to me again.  I lent her my ear.  "You know I don't mean to be preachy or anything but why not just see what happens?  When was the last time you ever noticed a boy?  Or let a boy notice you?"  We looked each other in the eye, about five inches away from each other.  "Never".  She answered her own question.   Which quite rightly pissed me off.  She has no idea how I feel about boys.  Them looking at me or me looking at them.  She has no idea how I looked at them and liked what I saw but didn't understand how they could like me.  Mary looked at me and said "Nicky are you gay?"

All right then.   What's that all about?  I sat back and crossed my arms.  Smiled.  Mary didn't smile back and didn't sit back.  She didn't find that question funny.  But I did.  If she wasn't so serious I would have laughed, at her seriousness.

"Mary" I leaned back in.  "I have to say, no, I am not gay.  And you know me well enough that I am most happy by having to 'let a boy notice me'.  It's just not how I am.  When I want someone to notice, I think I'll know."   One thing I was sure of, though I believe I didn't know what 'normal' felt like, there were some things I did know.  I like boys, I just didn't know how to like them.  But it didn't worry me.  I didn't have room in my head to worry about it.

"Well I don't think you will.  I think you are hiding so no one can hurt you again."

"Maybe.  But why does that bother you?  Maybe it's just what I have to do right now."

"It bothers me because I see you alone and I see you missing out on fun stuff that I know you would enjoy if you would just DO IT."

"But that's your fun stuff.  And I am super thrilled that you have fun doing it.  That doesn't mean I will have fun doing it."

"But you don't know because you don't try."

I want to stay calm because I know she is saying this because she cares.   "I'm here aren't I?"

Now, she, smiled at me.  "Nicky I know you well enough to know that you are here just so your parents wouldn't get upset."

"Maybe that's part of it.  But maybe you don't know me well enough to know that I am glad to be here."

"Are you?"

How cynical of her.  And annoying.  "Yes."  She had to think about my simple yes.  "And I was a little curious about what Tim said Shaun asked."  Her eyes bugged a little.  "I know what I need right now Mary, just trust me.   And stop analyzing everything I say and do.  It's a little annoying."

"This has nothing to do with trust Nicky.  I just worry about you.  I'm sorry.  But I do.  I think there are a lot of things you avoid doing because you're afraid to get close.  You're worried someone will find out."

"I don't think you need to counsel me right now.   I did  come here to have fun.  I was  looking forward to it.  There doesn't need to be any deep seated reason why I'm here or how I'm going to avoid life."  I sat back to withdraw from this private conversation and looked around the gym.  The line for the artist was the same as it had been all night.  But I was eager to see how someone else saw me, even in fun.  "I'm going to go have myself drawn".   Mary didn't answer and I knew that she was close to being mad, and feeling bad because she was mad.  I wish I hadn't told her.  Because every minute with her, now, was overshadowed by her knowing and having to deal with it.  Which means I never got a break from it.  

I wandered over to the line behind the artist and stood behind Marty Matthews and his girlfriend Amber.  THey were standing with their arms around one another and her head was leaning into the side of his chest.  I don't remember seeing one without the other since ninth grade.  I heard the rumor they were going to get married.  Married.  They looked so young.  How could they get married?  I felt like I was burning holes in the back of their heads as I pictured them married and envisioned them across the next fifty years.  I tore my eyes from their married bliss and looked around the gym.

The music was non stop.  People were still dancing.  I never realized there were this many people in our class.  I didn't even know some of them.  Quite a few of them.  Mary and Tim came up behind me.

"Sorry."  Mary whispered in my ear.

"Don't be.  It's all right."  She smiled, not convinced every thing was all right.

"Well, Shaun found me again Nicky.  Want to know what he said?"

"Sure."  Yes, I do.  It's my choice to feel free for one minute.  One minute.  Free of it.  Free of heavy fear.  Free of the cloak of protection.   Just standing in that gym, with hundreds of kids around me.  I felt it was my choice.   It was a brief minute.  Not even a minute.  A moment.  It felt good.  Very good.

I looked at Mary.  I could see she didn't believe me.  What the hell?  I don't have to convince her of what I want.  Or don't want.  Why does she think I have to explain everything to her.

"He said he hoped you'd be here but didn't think you would be.  You know, he is a pretty nice guy. I didn't say too much because I didn't know what you wanted me to say."

Mary stood quietly.  Tim looked at me.  I was suppose to say something, but I don't know what.  Because I was trying to say something that I though Mary wanted me to say, instead of saying what I wanted to say.  "Let's just wait and see if he comes around...are you guys going to have your picture drawn?"

"I am what about you Mary?"  Tim seemed awfully fond of her.  I felt bad for Tim because he didn't know what was going on and he was trying to just skim right over the uncomfortableness that was pulsating from us.

ABOUT THIS STORY-PAGE BREAK SO TO SPEAK!

Readers, thank you for reading!

Just a little information about this story.

I wrote this story about Nicky many years ago.  The story about Nicky is fiction.  But the facts about her thoughts and feelings, and dealing with life, are very real.

I know this first hand.   But I didn't want to write my story.  I wanted to write "a" story.  A story that explains to others what happens to our hearts and our thoughts, and how we view the world.   And by "we" I guess I mean "me".   But I've talked to enough "others" to know that I am not alone in my skewed view.  And isn't that sad that there are so many of us.   I started Nicky's story at the end of the physical part of the sexual abuse.   But the abuse doesn't end there.  Because of the abuser Nicky deals with the abuse every day when she looks in the mirror and sees the person the abuser saw.  Someone who "deserved" to be hurt, or wasn't as good as everyone else so she/he can be taken advantage of.

But this story isn't about what the abuser did.  Not as much as it is about what Nicky does.  Or will do.

I wrote the story so very long ago that as I retype it here I am not really happy with it.  But I'm trying to stick with it.  I think it is a very important story to tell.   Please stick with me.  I promise there are some redeeming parts to this.

Because for Nicky, for me, for anyone who has been sexually abused....what matters is us.  We do matter.  And what is going on inside of us is not easy to deal with.

I'm not speaking "for" anyone else.  I'm writing a story trying to paint a picture of the inside of a life that was hurt, tortured and demeaned.   And I want the picture to show the world that I am not broken.

This happened to me.  I have spent my life choosing who I will be.  Not letting what happened to me decide who I am.

Please bare with me as I try to get this story out.  It's not exactly how I want it.   But it's a process.  Any feedback is appreciated.

What Did I Miss?

It wasn't too soon when I left grandma and grandpa at home with mom and dad so I could go pick up Mary.  I could tell when we got home that grandma and grandpa had fought in their car on the way to our house.  I felt sorry for grandpa.  It was a relief to leave.  Mary ran to the car when I honked my new horn and I have to admit it was a little exciting.  New car.  Graduation.  Driving away from everything.  Mary jumped in all smiles and laughs.  We waved to a hundred relatives on her front porch as her mom took pictures while we pulled away.

"I did not think you were ever going to get here."  Stressing every syllable.

"Grandma and grandpa duty at my house."  I felt a cringe of guilt at remembering how I felt about grandma.  No!  Not tonight!  Tonight I will not let that happen.   "You know, I hate to to have to give my keys to the chaperone at the party.  I almost feel like just going and driving all night.  To where ever."  I felt a little bit of a wild thrill at the thought of it.

"Wow.  Spontinaity from you.  What a day of new experiences!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Nothing.  And normally I would say let's do it, let's go!  But tonight, I say let's go to the all night party.  You know, we will probably never see most of these people for a long time.  If ever."

"You think?"  I hadn't even thought of that.  I'm not sure if it bothered me or not.

"Don't forget we need to pick up Tim."  And we did.  Tim seemed genuinely glad to see it was me with Mary picking him up.  Which surprised me.  Don't know why.  But it did.  He sat in the back seat and leaned forward between me and Mary in the front.

"I can't believe you got a car for graduation Nicky.  I got a watch and money and was thrilled.  What did you get Mary?"

"All kinds of stuff from mom and dad.  Money.  Stuff for when I go to school in the fall.  I got a watch too.  And a longer curfew."  We all laughed at that.  "But there's no curfew tonight."

"Yeah but if we leave the party before 6 a.m. we can't get back in and they call our parents."

Mary looked at Tim "what did you have in mind?"

"Nothing.  Actually I'm kind of looking forward to this party.  It's just kind of a bummer that our first all nighter will be at the school that we just spent 12 years trying to get out of."

I listened as Tim and Mary started talking about the last few years in high school.  They seemed to have a lot more memories than I could come up with.  There were a lot of parties they talked about that I didn't go to.  Lots of games they went to that I didn't go to.  School dances that..yep...I didn't go to.  They laughed, I laughed because what they talked about seemed fun.  Why hadn't I wanted to go?  And why didn't I realize how much fun I was missing?  I remember the feeling of taking comfort in my room, listening to music, watching TV, enjoying being home, enjoying more...the not having to go out.

We got to school and parked in the lot designated for our cars tonight.  We locked the car and turned in the keys at the door to the vice-principal.  We stood there briefly while she told us the rules.  Then we went in to the gym where it seemed like thousands of people were standing.  Maybe only a few hundred.  But everyone was crowded together.  I stood inside the doorway and looked with Mary and Tim.  They started to head towards the middle of the gym.  Mary looked back at me and I motioned her to go on.  I stood still and took in the entire gym.  I couldn't see everything from where I stood.  But a lot of effort went in to this.  I was surprised.  There were black jack tables (and we'd already been warned no real money would be used).  Arcade games.  Teachers running game booths.  Parents serving foods and drinks.  I wondered over to one group of people to see what everyone was looking at.  In the center of the small crowd was a young man sitting in front of an easel and one of the kids from my class was sitting in a chair in front of him.  Portraits?  I stood and watched until the young artist pulled off the sheet of paper and handed it to the posing boy.  It was a charicature.  Everyone strained to see and the next girl in line eagerly took her seat.  Sweet.

There were all kinds of pictures hanging on one of the long walls of the gym.  I moved over to the wall and slowly looked at the pictures.  I slowly made my way down the wall.  Years of pictures.  Hundreds of people.  Us.  I looked at every picture to see the faces, the events.  A lot of the faces were familiar, though I didn't know all of their names.  Why didn't I know their names?  Most of the events pictured didn't ring familiar either.  Carefully I scanned the pictures to see if I was in any of them.  I couldn't find me anywhere.  I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was a little disappointed.  Or was it sadness?  What did I miss?  The pictures were smiling faces, happy events.  Why wasn't I a part of these?  Didn't I want to be happy?

At the very end of the wall there were pictures of the school clubs for our senior year.  There was one of the yearbook staff.  I scanned it carefully.  I remember it being taken.  I couldn't just walk out of the room so I was in the picture, barely.  I only knew I was there because I remembered it.  It wasn't really a planned picture, just one of the staff playing around.  I managed to avoid being much of a part of the picture.  But there was the side of my head.  Why didn't I want to be in it?  Was I afraid of what would be seen, in a picture?

I turned back to the gym and was suddenly aware of the noise level.  Loud.  There was a sound system set up in the corner away from the entrance we all had to use.  Some of the kids were dancing.  There were tables set up in groupings all through the gym.  Most of the tables had kids sitting at them, or purses and jackets lying on them.  Everyone was smiling.  I went back to the artist sketching the characatures.  and watched.   He was pretty good.  Everyone who already had a sketch was showing them to the others waiting, everyone seemed impressed.  I looked at the artist.  Did he go to school here?  He didn't look old enough to have graduated yet.  He seemed pretty focused on what he was doing.  But he still manged to joke with the girl he was drawing.  

Everyone seemed so familiar with everyone else.  Yet I felt like an outsider.  No.  Not an outsider.  I felt okay.  But I felt like an observer.  Yes, an observer.  I didn't realize how long I must have been looking at the pictures and the artist until Mary came up to me, looking a little bit sweaty.  "Where have you been?"

"Looking at the pictures and watching him".  I nodded at the artist.

"I've been looking everywhere for you."

"Here I am."  I smiled at her.  She grabbed my elbow and pulled me behind her to ta table where Tim was sitting.  He was on one side of the table and two girls and another boy were on the other side of the table.  We sat with Tim , Mary next to him and me next to Mary.  Tim reached over and squeezed my hand and smiled.  "We lost you."  I smiled and watched his hand pull away from my arm.  That wasn't too uncomfortable, which surprised me.  That it didn't bother me.

Though I was glad to be here I didn't feel like a party.  I wanted to watch and listen.  Which is hard to do because people aren't comfortable with someone sitting quietly and 'observing'.  They have to be noticeably enjoying themselves, or the others become uncomfortable.  So to avoid making them uncomfortable I participated in the party.    Tim went to get us something to drink.