Where I Am

We stopped long enough to eat with mom and dad.  I could see his nervousness and I felt sorry for him.  Mom and dad tried hard to include him and at the same time not put him on the spot.  They did discover that he was leaving in the fall for a college in Ohio and had a partial scholarship.  He was leaving in the fall?

Immediately my brain somersaulted off into the future plotting out everything that was going to happen between now and then with me life.  But I had to stop.  I had already done this plotting and planning and knew what was going to happen.  But that was just with me.  Was there a chance there would be someone else to consider in my life?  What would that do to my plans?  I quickly tried to fit him in and still keep the same plan.  How can I plan this when I don't have a clue what his plan is?  How can I plan his feelings?  How can I plan mine?  For crying out loud I haven't figured out my past eighteen years how am I going to figure out the next four months?

I felt sweaty and it wasn't from the painting.  I found myself laughing at dad teasing mom.  I don't know what about, but mom was smiling and so was Shawn so I did it again.  Thinking about something else and missed the part of my life I was in right now.  What can't I stay where I am!

"I guess if I want my room finished I need to drag you back up there go get busy."  Shawn rolled his eyes but jumped up readily enough.  Mom was beside herslef and I think dad was catching her fever.  I gave them both a 'calm down' look as I went past them.  I could hear them start to chatter as soon as I headed up the stairs.  In my room I turned the music a little louder but closed my door so it wouldn't bother them.

"That wasn't so bad was it?"  I laughed as he crumpled towards the tarp covered pile in the middle of the floor. 

"No, not so bad.  I'll get use to them."  We were standing fairly close and the hair on my arms and neck were standing straight up.  "If that's okay with you."

"I think so."   How do I do this?

"You think so?  Do you need more time to think about it?"

"I was afraid to speak, my throat felt very thin.  Like a sound coming out of it would burst it.

"I mean, okay, yes, I'm nervous too but Nicky I can't wait anymore to see what can happen with us.  I'm going away to school.  I have now, this summer, to get to know you.  I don't want to leave here and take a chance that someone else wants to get to know you.  I want you to get to know me."  He stopped to breath.  Very deeply.  He looked at me.  But stood still, where he was.   "Okay.  I have practiced talking to you a hundred times and they all sounded better than right now. I want to get to know you. I like you Nicky.  And I would like to spend this summer talking to you, doing things with you.  What ever you want to do.  But I want us to start right now.  Not six weeks from now."  He looked up at the ceiling.  I think he wanted me to say something but I was afraid to use any part of my body because I didn't think it would function right.

Here is a boy.  A guy.  Whatever!  And he wants to be with me.  Why?  Can't he tell?  Maybe he can't, but he will.  Then what?  How could he possibly be interested in me with everything that is wrong with me?

He took a step closer and I could feel my insides tremble.  "Nickie I don't know a whole lot about you.  But I feel like I have to promise you I won't hurt you.  I don't know why.  But it's a promise I will make to you right now and I will keep it.  Just tell me 'okay'.  Just say that and we'll go from here.  If you say anything else than I know I should let it go."

"Okay."  It popped out before I could analyze it.  Thankfully.

"Um, is that an okay because it's okay, or is that an okay I should let it go?"  I knew he was trying to be funny but he was also still nervous.  Already I knew that about him.

"Okay, you said to say okay and that's the okay I'm saying."

"Okay?"

"Okay."   His smile was one of relief.  I could tell that too.  If he was as scared and nervous as I was then I don't know how we got to where we were standing with no light between us.  I could feel the heat from his shirt and surely that was his heart pounding against my chest.  Or was it mine beating against his?  I couldn't tell who's it was.  He reached his hand to my shoulder and slid it behind my neck and in an instant I don't know where all of the heat went to.  I was clod.  A thrilling, chilling cold of anticipation.  What I feared most, was fearing his touch.  When his hand slid behind my neck there was a tinge of fear.  But his hand turned and he caressed my neck pulling his hand back out.  He slid his hand down my arm and took my hand.  Pulling my hand up between us he clasped it between his two hands and held it to his chest.  

"Part of me wants to rush everything because I want you to feel like I do Nicky. "  My forehead was a fraction of a hair's width from his chin and he nudged my forehead back with his chin so that I was looking at him.  His eyes were big, brown .... and watering.  Didn't look like tears.  He kept blinking.

"What's wrong Shawn?"  He dropped his head and smiled.  He let go of my hand and his hand went to his left eye.  

"There's something in my eye."  

"Why didn't you say something?"  I opened the bedroom door and took his hand leading him to my bathroom.  "Wash your eye out."

"I can't, I have my contacts in."  

"Take it out.  I'll get some of my mom's saline solution.  You can wash your contact off with it."  I went to mom's room and interrupted their conversation.   "Sorry, but Shawn has something in his eye, can I get your saline for him?"  Mom went to the bathroom and came back with a bottle of the clear liquid.  As I left the room I heard mom say something about me taking care of him  God she was so hopeful.  Pangs of sorrow for her found their way to my heart.

I walked in the bathroom and Shawn was standing there with his left eye shut and his right for finger sticking out.  Quickly I washed my hands and then took his contact.  While I held his contact I watched him wash out his eye which was by now red and a little puffy. I must have been watching him pretty intently, I didn't notice him watching me in the mirror until he spoke.  

"Sorry, I was trying to pretend like it didn't bother me."

"Why?"

"I didn't want to ruin the moment."  You didn't, is what I wanted to say as I held there with my hand out cradling his contact in my palm.  I suddenly realized how personal this may seem to him.  Me standing next to him in the bathroom casually holding his contact while he washed out his eye.  I couldn't help but smile one of those uncontrollable happy smiles that come over you and you can't exactly explain it.

"Why are you smiling like that?"

"I don't really know.  I think it's because I don't normally stand in bathrooms with guys holding their contact and feeling comfortable about it."  He took the contact and started to wash it off with the saline.

"Feeling comfortable about what?  The guy or the contact?"  He watched me in the mirror.

"Both I guess.  Just seems kind of personal to me.  I don't usually feel this comfortable with others."  He had his head back and was putting in his contact.  He blinked a few times and then washed his hands and dried them on the hand towel I was glad I had put out fresh earlier.

He turned to look  at me direct instead of through the mirror.  "You feel comfortable wtih me?"  He didn't move to touch me but I felt like we were very intimate.

"I think so."  He grinned and crossed his arms as he leaned against the counter. 

"You think so?  I guess I'm kind of glad that you don't normally feel comfortable with others.  But it also sounds kind of sad."

I looked at him for a minute to see if he thought there was more to what he said.  I smiled thinking I could throw him off.   "Let's go to the porch for some fresh air, I think we are full of fumes."  I led the way and he followed.  I went to the kitchen first and got some water with him just following me quietly.  We made our way to the porch and sat on the swing.  With respectable distance between us I might add.  The moment in the bedroom seemed to have disappeared and I felt a little bewildered.  I wasn't sure if I was glad about that, or was I disappointed?

Slowly we let the swing go to and fro.  He pretty much controlled the swing with his longer legs.  I sat back far enough to where my feet just barely touched the porch.  My mind was a whirl with thoughts, pictures and scenarios.  In my head he kissed me a hundred different ways.  That first kiss.  Then I pictured him leaving without touching me again and I felt somewhat relieved.

"Nickie?"  For an answer I turned to look at him.  "About what I was trying to say upstairs."   He shifted on the swing to sit sideways and look at me.  "I mean what I was trying to say. I want to spend this summer with you.  And I was hoping that you might want the same thing."  His hand reached out and brushed along my forehead.   

A Dad Moment

I sat on the steps and watched him drive away.  I looked to Mary's house and saw the lights on.  I was done talking for the night.  Mom and dad must have gone upstairs because I didn't hear anything through the open front door.  I locked the door behind me when I went in and went to the kitchen for a glass of iced tea to take upstairs with me.  Dad was sitting at the kitchen table reading part of the day's paper and eating a bowl of ice cream.

"Hey dad."

""Hey."  He put his paper down and watched me get a glass put ice in it and fill it with tea from the pitcher in the refrigerator.  I felt him watching me and couldn't help but smile.

"Why are you watching me?"

"I don't know.  Mind tricks maybe."

"Huh?"  I sat at the table across from him.

"I could see you fifteen years ago not being able to pour kool-aid from a pitcher, but there you are now, all grown up.  Pouring your own tea.  Funny...."  he looked back at his paper instead of at me "...how and when we see our kids grown up.  It wasn't your graduation.  It was you pouring a glass of tea."

"If it makes you feel any better I'm not all grown up."

"That's funny, sometimes I feel like you grew up years ago."  I felt sorry for him.  Again I felt like I robbed him of being a father.  A daddy.

"Oh dad."  I didn't know what to say.

"But then there are times when I feel like you're so young, innocent."

"What times?"  I was curious as to when dad saw me as young.  I wish I could see myself through his eyes.  I did not want to be a disappointment to him.

"Well, like when you get an unexpected present.  Or sometimes I see you reading a book and looking so young and absorbed in the fantasy of literature.  Even tonight, with this Tim.  I know he isn't a boyfriend but you were so young with him around.  I don't know.  I can't really explain it."  He shook his head with an embarrassed grin and looked at the paper again.  My heart was aching for him.   And me.

"You don't have to explain it. Maybe it's one of those things I'll understand when I have my own children."

"That's what it is."  He reached across the table and placed his hand over mine.  "Sometimes you just have such a sadness about you Nicky.  Maybe you are what they call 'an old soul'.  I hope that's what it is is.  I would hate to think you feel old because of me."

I placed my other hand on top of his.  "Dad you have never made me feel old anything.  You've always been a great dad."  Don't cry dad.   He didn't.  He smiled.

"Maybe I just needed to hear that."

"Maybe I should have told you more often."  He gave my hand a slight squeeze and sat back, withdrawing his warm hand.  

"You shouldn't have had to.  I was just having a melancholy moment when you came in.  Sometimes you just can't escape those."  He smiled and noticeably relaxed.  I sat there with him for awhile until we both were ready to go upstairs.  A dad  moment.  I could feel the pressure of his hand on mine until I went to sleep.  And it was a comforting feeling.

Having Fun-I Can

I woke feeling the same feelings from my sleep, which were carried in to my sleep from the party.  I looked at my alarm clock.  It was almost three in the afternoon.  What an odd time to be waking up.  I lay there listening to the house.  Same sounds.  Everything felt so fresh.  That was a Sunday feeling.  I didn't want to move but didn't want to waste away the rest of the day either.  I got out of bed, made it, and changed into some shorts and a t-shirt.  Pulled my hair in to a pony tail.

Downstairs was empty.  I poured a glass of cranberry juice from the refrigerator and looked out the back door.  Dad was sitting in a lawn chair talking to mom who was sitting on the ground doing something with a potted plant.  I wondered out to where they sat.

"Hi".  They looked up and smiled that smile of accomplishment.  I had graduated and they still felt good about it.

"Hi.  We thought you might sleep all day."  I sat on the ground next to mom.  "You've had quite a few calls already.  I think everyone else you graduated with beat you by about three hours."

"What do you mean?"

"Mary called and so did that friend of hers, Tim.  And some nice sounding young man named Shaun called.  They would all like for you to call them AS SOON as you wake up."  I knew she was dying to ask who Shaun was.

"Oh".  I couldn't help but smile.  Inside and out.  That made mom smile and dad just looked at me.

He couldn't stand it.  "Who's Shaun?"  I caught mom throwing him a mother look and he just shrugged at her.

"He graduated, we just talked a lot last night.  He wanted me and Mary and Tim to go to his graduation party today."

"Are you going?"  Mom looked hopeful.  Like I said, I don't think I gave them much excitement in life.

"I was going to call Mary and see if she wanted to go,"

"You know where the phone is."  Dad was just a little too blase as he flipped his hand towards the house.  Mom threw a clump of dirt at him from the potted plant.

"Leave her alone Neil."

He looked indignant.  "Oh....and you haven't been out her for the last two hours painting pictures of who this Shaun is and their life together."

Mom blushed.  "I have not Nicky.  I was just curious as to who he was and if we know him."

"It's all right mom.  I'll go call him."  I got up and walked away but not before hearing mom start to lay in to dad about why he would say that to me.  Poor mom.   Poor dad.  They were too funny but it was kind of sad that they were this excited about a call from a boy.

I called Mary first because I wasn't going anywhere unless she went.  She asked why not.  She even asked if Tim might want to go with us just for fun so we hung up and she was going to call Tim.

I sat staring at the phone in my hand before calling Shaun.  I had never done that.  Call a guy.  A guy I kinda wanted to see.  A guy I felt kind of nervous about in a happy sort of way.  I could feel a nervous tremor in my hand as I started to dial his number from the note mom had left on the counter by the house phone.  He picked up on the first ring.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this Shaun?"

"Nicky?  I didn't think you would ever wake up!"

"Well I just did."

"Are you coming over?"

"I think so.  I think Mary and Tim are too if that's still okay."

"It's great.  When?"

"Well I still need to get dressed and pick up Mary and Tim and find out how to get to your house."

"If you're picking up Tim he knows how to get here.  Just dress casual.  Shorts or something.  No one is dressed up here."

I told him we would be there as soon as we all got ready.  While I was upstairs getting ready Mary came up.  She was sitting in my room when I came out of the bathroom.  She was wearing new shorts and shoes and looked as cute as could be.  I had on new clothes mom had picked up weeks ago but I had never worn.

"I think we look great Nicky.  Are you going to fix your hair?"  I had just rebrushed it and put it back in a pony tail.

"No, I like it like this."

"Okay, Time said he would be ready for us.  I kind of figured you would want to drive."

I smiled.  New car.  "Good guess."  We went downstairs and outside and told mom and dad our plans which thrilled them I could tell.  But I could also see them straining to not let me see that.

In the car Mary let me know that she had noticed.   "Your mom and dad sure seemed excited about you going to this party."

"I know.  Sometimes I feel like I've let them down.  Like I haven't given them enough, or much, to be excited about as parents."

"I would think most parents would like not having too much excitement.  I mean, thin of the anxiety parents must live with."

"I know.  But I mean good excitement.  Like me going to the prom or on dates or being on a team.  Stuff like that."

"I don't think you have anything to worry about.  You surely are not a disappointment to your parents."

"You don't think so?"   It was good to hear her say that.  Mary wouldn't lie to me.

"God no Nicky.  Your parents adore you."

"I know.  I just must be awfully boring to them.  You should have seen them when I got up and went downstairs.  They didn't even ask about the party they went right to Shaun's calling and couldn't wait for me to call him back."

"Well, it is kind of exciting.  I mean, even I'm excited about it."

"Why?"  I was taking my time driving to Tim's.  I felt like talking.  I wanted to know what everyone felt and Mary would do her best to explain it.  "Wait!"  I saw a drive thru and pulled in to it.

"What are you doing?"

"This is my first real drive somewhere in my own car, and we should go to our first drive thru in my car and get something to drink.  My treat."

"All right.  A case of beer."

"Get serious."

"It was worth a try.  All right, a root beer."   I ordered a rootbeer and a rasberry flavored water and a bag of pretzels, just to order something.  We went on our way.

"Okay, so why is this is exciting for you that Shaun wants me to go to his party."

"Nicky, are you serious?  I have never seen you go out with a boy, or even want to.  And NO I don't think you have to be with a guy to be happy, but I also think that you avoid doing fun things.  I think you would enjoy yourself."

"I don't think I avoid fun."

"I am not going to argue with you about that.  But, yes, you do.  How many games didn't you go to so you could stay home?  The same thing with dances, parties, just going out.  You would rather not do those things."

"That's not a bad thing."

"Maybe, maybe not.  I guess it depends on why you are doing it.  Or rather, not doing it."

I knew she meant Doug.  Or what Doug had done.  "I don't know Mary.  Maybe.  But I was more comfortable at home.  I am not all that comfortable around a lot of people.   And that is not a bad thing."

"Because you don't want them to know anything about you."

"Do you work with your mother or something?"

"She is pretty smart you know.  And I do like reading her books."

"We aren't all book cases you know."

"I know Nicky. I don't think for a minute that you are a typical case of anything.  I say what I say because I know you and what say comes from my heart, not any books I read."

"I'll buy that."   She smiled.  We were getting close to Tim's.  I didn't want to keep talking about this.  Mary did know me.  But no matter how well she knows me, she doesn't know everything.  Tim was waiting on the porch for us.  As soon as he saw us he opened the front door like he was yelling something in to the house and was in the driveway standing there waiting but the time I stopped the car by him.  He opened Mary's door and climbed in the back seat behind her.