Where I Am

We stopped long enough to eat with mom and dad.  I could see his nervousness and I felt sorry for him.  Mom and dad tried hard to include him and at the same time not put him on the spot.  They did discover that he was leaving in the fall for a college in Ohio and had a partial scholarship.  He was leaving in the fall?

Immediately my brain somersaulted off into the future plotting out everything that was going to happen between now and then with me life.  But I had to stop.  I had already done this plotting and planning and knew what was going to happen.  But that was just with me.  Was there a chance there would be someone else to consider in my life?  What would that do to my plans?  I quickly tried to fit him in and still keep the same plan.  How can I plan this when I don't have a clue what his plan is?  How can I plan his feelings?  How can I plan mine?  For crying out loud I haven't figured out my past eighteen years how am I going to figure out the next four months?

I felt sweaty and it wasn't from the painting.  I found myself laughing at dad teasing mom.  I don't know what about, but mom was smiling and so was Shawn so I did it again.  Thinking about something else and missed the part of my life I was in right now.  What can't I stay where I am!

"I guess if I want my room finished I need to drag you back up there go get busy."  Shawn rolled his eyes but jumped up readily enough.  Mom was beside herslef and I think dad was catching her fever.  I gave them both a 'calm down' look as I went past them.  I could hear them start to chatter as soon as I headed up the stairs.  In my room I turned the music a little louder but closed my door so it wouldn't bother them.

"That wasn't so bad was it?"  I laughed as he crumpled towards the tarp covered pile in the middle of the floor. 

"No, not so bad.  I'll get use to them."  We were standing fairly close and the hair on my arms and neck were standing straight up.  "If that's okay with you."

"I think so."   How do I do this?

"You think so?  Do you need more time to think about it?"

"I was afraid to speak, my throat felt very thin.  Like a sound coming out of it would burst it.

"I mean, okay, yes, I'm nervous too but Nicky I can't wait anymore to see what can happen with us.  I'm going away to school.  I have now, this summer, to get to know you.  I don't want to leave here and take a chance that someone else wants to get to know you.  I want you to get to know me."  He stopped to breath.  Very deeply.  He looked at me.  But stood still, where he was.   "Okay.  I have practiced talking to you a hundred times and they all sounded better than right now. I want to get to know you. I like you Nicky.  And I would like to spend this summer talking to you, doing things with you.  What ever you want to do.  But I want us to start right now.  Not six weeks from now."  He looked up at the ceiling.  I think he wanted me to say something but I was afraid to use any part of my body because I didn't think it would function right.

Here is a boy.  A guy.  Whatever!  And he wants to be with me.  Why?  Can't he tell?  Maybe he can't, but he will.  Then what?  How could he possibly be interested in me with everything that is wrong with me?

He took a step closer and I could feel my insides tremble.  "Nickie I don't know a whole lot about you.  But I feel like I have to promise you I won't hurt you.  I don't know why.  But it's a promise I will make to you right now and I will keep it.  Just tell me 'okay'.  Just say that and we'll go from here.  If you say anything else than I know I should let it go."

"Okay."  It popped out before I could analyze it.  Thankfully.

"Um, is that an okay because it's okay, or is that an okay I should let it go?"  I knew he was trying to be funny but he was also still nervous.  Already I knew that about him.

"Okay, you said to say okay and that's the okay I'm saying."

"Okay?"

"Okay."   His smile was one of relief.  I could tell that too.  If he was as scared and nervous as I was then I don't know how we got to where we were standing with no light between us.  I could feel the heat from his shirt and surely that was his heart pounding against my chest.  Or was it mine beating against his?  I couldn't tell who's it was.  He reached his hand to my shoulder and slid it behind my neck and in an instant I don't know where all of the heat went to.  I was clod.  A thrilling, chilling cold of anticipation.  What I feared most, was fearing his touch.  When his hand slid behind my neck there was a tinge of fear.  But his hand turned and he caressed my neck pulling his hand back out.  He slid his hand down my arm and took my hand.  Pulling my hand up between us he clasped it between his two hands and held it to his chest.  

"Part of me wants to rush everything because I want you to feel like I do Nicky. "  My forehead was a fraction of a hair's width from his chin and he nudged my forehead back with his chin so that I was looking at him.  His eyes were big, brown .... and watering.  Didn't look like tears.  He kept blinking.

"What's wrong Shawn?"  He dropped his head and smiled.  He let go of my hand and his hand went to his left eye.  

"There's something in my eye."  

"Why didn't you say something?"  I opened the bedroom door and took his hand leading him to my bathroom.  "Wash your eye out."

"I can't, I have my contacts in."  

"Take it out.  I'll get some of my mom's saline solution.  You can wash your contact off with it."  I went to mom's room and interrupted their conversation.   "Sorry, but Shawn has something in his eye, can I get your saline for him?"  Mom went to the bathroom and came back with a bottle of the clear liquid.  As I left the room I heard mom say something about me taking care of him  God she was so hopeful.  Pangs of sorrow for her found their way to my heart.

I walked in the bathroom and Shawn was standing there with his left eye shut and his right for finger sticking out.  Quickly I washed my hands and then took his contact.  While I held his contact I watched him wash out his eye which was by now red and a little puffy. I must have been watching him pretty intently, I didn't notice him watching me in the mirror until he spoke.  

"Sorry, I was trying to pretend like it didn't bother me."

"Why?"

"I didn't want to ruin the moment."  You didn't, is what I wanted to say as I held there with my hand out cradling his contact in my palm.  I suddenly realized how personal this may seem to him.  Me standing next to him in the bathroom casually holding his contact while he washed out his eye.  I couldn't help but smile one of those uncontrollable happy smiles that come over you and you can't exactly explain it.

"Why are you smiling like that?"

"I don't really know.  I think it's because I don't normally stand in bathrooms with guys holding their contact and feeling comfortable about it."  He took the contact and started to wash it off with the saline.

"Feeling comfortable about what?  The guy or the contact?"  He watched me in the mirror.

"Both I guess.  Just seems kind of personal to me.  I don't usually feel this comfortable with others."  He had his head back and was putting in his contact.  He blinked a few times and then washed his hands and dried them on the hand towel I was glad I had put out fresh earlier.

He turned to look  at me direct instead of through the mirror.  "You feel comfortable wtih me?"  He didn't move to touch me but I felt like we were very intimate.

"I think so."  He grinned and crossed his arms as he leaned against the counter. 

"You think so?  I guess I'm kind of glad that you don't normally feel comfortable with others.  But it also sounds kind of sad."

I looked at him for a minute to see if he thought there was more to what he said.  I smiled thinking I could throw him off.   "Let's go to the porch for some fresh air, I think we are full of fumes."  I led the way and he followed.  I went to the kitchen first and got some water with him just following me quietly.  We made our way to the porch and sat on the swing.  With respectable distance between us I might add.  The moment in the bedroom seemed to have disappeared and I felt a little bewildered.  I wasn't sure if I was glad about that, or was I disappointed?

Slowly we let the swing go to and fro.  He pretty much controlled the swing with his longer legs.  I sat back far enough to where my feet just barely touched the porch.  My mind was a whirl with thoughts, pictures and scenarios.  In my head he kissed me a hundred different ways.  That first kiss.  Then I pictured him leaving without touching me again and I felt somewhat relieved.

"Nickie?"  For an answer I turned to look at him.  "About what I was trying to say upstairs."   He shifted on the swing to sit sideways and look at me.  "I mean what I was trying to say. I want to spend this summer with you.  And I was hoping that you might want the same thing."  His hand reached out and brushed along my forehead.   

It Will Change Others

"You've only told one person?  Mary?"  I nodded.  "Your parents don't know?"   I shook my head no.  "Are you going to tell them?"

I picked up a small rock off of the pavement and studied it's texture and shape.   "No."

"Why not?"

"For the same reason you didn't want to and the same reasons you wished you hadn't.  I don't think I could handle the way it would change their lives forever."

"Nickie, you should tell them."

"Of all people you should understand why I don't.  Please don't try to convince me that I should do that."

"It's not that I want to convince you to do something you don't want to do.  Are you prepared to keep this a secret from your parents forever?  Do you think you can do that and not let it come between you?"

"I have so far."

"You don't think this has come between you?"  The small rock wasn't big enough to hid much mystery.  I felt it's sharp edge as I pushed it into the tip of my finger.

"Maybe, but I would rather it come between us like this than risk my father feeling the way your's does.  I don't want to see this eat at them and change who they are.  It would effect them too much.  It's like you said.  I can deal with what happened to me a lot better than what it would do to them."

"Nickie, that's talk.  I meant it but I also know that I had to tell them."   I didn't respond.   I didn't want to go through this with him.  He knew that.  "Okay...anyway... besides that.  How are you doing?"

"I'm fine."

"That's a pretty non descript description."  He bent his head close to look at me.  I was done with the tears.  What a weak moment and I hate being weak.  I hate being needy.

"Tim I don't know how to describe how I am.  A lot of the things you said tonight was like you were taking the words right from my own thoughts.  I understood what you meant.  But I never thought or believed anyone else ever had those thoughts."

"More than you know.  I use to think that there was no way in hell anyone could understand how I felt.  But there are people who do."

"Honestly Tim I still feel that way.  You said a lot of the things  that I've felt for years.  But I still don't think or believe there is anyone who could possibly have a clue to who I am and what I feel or think.  I am NOT like anyone else.  This doesn't make me common to anyone.  I don't want to belong to a group where this is what we share and what keeps us together.  It is NOT who I am.  It happened to me.  And that's where I want it to end."  There was an anger starting to rock inside of me.  Not at Tim but at the idea that this made me like others that I didn't want to be associated with.  People who's commonality is what was done to them, not by choices they made.

"All right.  I'm not going to argue with you Nicky.   You don't think anyone can understand you.  I respect that.  I also repsect that you don't want this to be the guiding force in your life.  But I am glad that you told me and I want you to know that you are the same person to me that you were before you told me.  I won't think of you as 'Nicky the girl who was molested'.  I'll think of you as 'Nicky the girl I got to know my senior year through a girl I dated and we became friends and the girl I dated broke up with me and we stayed friends'."   He smiled, I couldn't help but laugh.

"Good, because that's who I feel like.  And I'm pretty content with that."   I stood up in the street.  "Let's head back to the house."  We walked across the street and quietly made our way to his car parked in front of our house.  He opened his car door and slid behind the wheel.  I closed the door for him and he smiled.  There didn't seem to be much more to say tonight.  We said good night and he left.  

Cloaked In Self Protection

"You know Mary..he has got to be one of the sweetest people I know."

"He is.  He loves to talk.  Walk.  Be with me.  He took me out last week and our date was at the park.  We talked, walked and he never let go of my hand the entire time.  It was...comfortable.  But exciting."  We watched him walk away.

"Sounds pretty great to me."  To be comfortable with someone.  I think I envied that.

"It is great...I guess."  That didn't sound like love talking.   I looked at her and she shrugged her shoulders at me. "I do like him.  I really like him.  But it just feels like something's missing.  It's stupid.  I know.  Here's this great guy who treats me like gold and I want something more.  Or different.  I don't know."  She looked up over my head and sat up and away to pull out of the conversation.  Tim was coming, carrying our drinks.

"One for each of you ladies."  He sat on the other side of Mary and leaned in to talk to both of us.  I looked at his face.  Soft, clear and dark blue eyes.  Cute, not stunning, but it sure didn't hurt to look at him.  He was lean and taller than Mary.  Dark auburn hair.  "Nicky are seeing any body?"

"Uh...no."  Mary started to turn her head to give him, I know, a 'don't go there' look.  But she stopped when I smiled at Tim.

"Well...don't look."  Which of course made me want to look but he leaned in closer over Mary which made her lean in, which of course drew me in to the leaning in group.  "But somebody was asking about you."  Immediately Mary's head popped up out of the conversation t look past me in the direction Tim had come from.  There were hundreds of people but she must have thought "he" would have a neon sign pointing him out to her.

"Mary".  Tim put his hand on her shoulder and pulled her down to our conversation again.  "He just asked if you were here with any one."

"Who was it?"  Mary demanded before I could even blink.

"Shaun Hurdle".  Mary's mouth dropped open.  Why, I don't know.  But it did.

"Shaun?"   She seemed stunned.

"Why are you so surprised?"  Tim looked at Mary, surprised at her surprise. I sat and watched as Mary and Tim discussed this without me.  Without even noticing if I had a reaction.

"Shaun?  I don't know.  I guess I never...I don't know."  Tim laughed as he leaned in closer.  He was making Mary uncomfortable.  Or she was uncomfortable about something else.  Why was she so surprised?  Probably because since I didn't show interest in someone, anyone, I would think she assumed the world would know not to bother.  I know that's what she thought.  It was certainly how I felt.

Tim looked at me "do you know Shaun?"

"I know who he is but I don't really know him."  I wanted to know what he said.  Exactly.  But I didn't want to ask.  Mostly because Mary would wonder what came over me and I would have to explain me wanting to know.  

Mary spoke up "what exactly did he say?"   I knew she would have to know and smiled inwardly.

"He came up to me while I was getting our pop and asked if I was with you guys.  Then he asked if you were with anyone."  He smiled at me.  He seemed very happy about this.

"Is that all he said?"  I could read Mary's disappointment.  In Tim's casual reply or the lack of depth to Shaun's inquiry.

"Yeah, he said 'oh' and just stood there.  I brought the pop back and that was it."

"You just left him there?  What if he wanted to ask more?"  Tim looked at her.   A little stunned.

"But he didn't".  Mary looked at him like he was daft.

Mary turned to me and I felt like laughing at them both.  "Do you like Shaun?"

"I don't know.  I just know who he is.  I don't know a thing about him to know if I like him or not."

"Okay okay.  DO you think you might like him?"  She was sounding pretty desperate.  Which was a little annoying.

"Mary he didn't ask Tim if I would marry him.  He just asked him if I was with anyone.  That doesn't really mean anything."

"Well...it could."  She leaned in close.  So I leaned in closer and she whispered "don't you want to find out?"

I sat back.  Do I want to find out?  If someone likes me, was interested in me?  It did feel kind of good.  Yes, I was curious.  Maybe not as much as Tim and Mary.  I gave her a smile, she visibly relaxed.  Tim had respected our little conversation but not leaning in.  But when the smiles appeared he leaned back in.

"I could go find out more."

"No don't do that."  We just graduated high school, not eighth grade.  But I could tell he felt like he had let Mary down somehow.

Mary had other ideas.  "It won't hurt to make yourself available for any more questions.  What's it going to hurt?"  Mary and Tim shrugged like ...it will hurt nothing.  Except my pride.  And off he went.

Mary leaned in closer to me again.  I lent her my ear.  "You know I don't mean to be preachy or anything but why not just see what happens?  When was the last time you ever noticed a boy?  Or let a boy notice you?"  We looked each other in the eye, about five inches away from each other.  "Never".  She answered her own question.   Which quite rightly pissed me off.  She has no idea how I feel about boys.  Them looking at me or me looking at them.  She has no idea how I looked at them and liked what I saw but didn't understand how they could like me.  Mary looked at me and said "Nicky are you gay?"

All right then.   What's that all about?  I sat back and crossed my arms.  Smiled.  Mary didn't smile back and didn't sit back.  She didn't find that question funny.  But I did.  If she wasn't so serious I would have laughed, at her seriousness.

"Mary" I leaned back in.  "I have to say, no, I am not gay.  And you know me well enough that I am most happy by having to 'let a boy notice me'.  It's just not how I am.  When I want someone to notice, I think I'll know."   One thing I was sure of, though I believe I didn't know what 'normal' felt like, there were some things I did know.  I like boys, I just didn't know how to like them.  But it didn't worry me.  I didn't have room in my head to worry about it.

"Well I don't think you will.  I think you are hiding so no one can hurt you again."

"Maybe.  But why does that bother you?  Maybe it's just what I have to do right now."

"It bothers me because I see you alone and I see you missing out on fun stuff that I know you would enjoy if you would just DO IT."

"But that's your fun stuff.  And I am super thrilled that you have fun doing it.  That doesn't mean I will have fun doing it."

"But you don't know because you don't try."

I want to stay calm because I know she is saying this because she cares.   "I'm here aren't I?"

Now, she, smiled at me.  "Nicky I know you well enough to know that you are here just so your parents wouldn't get upset."

"Maybe that's part of it.  But maybe you don't know me well enough to know that I am glad to be here."

"Are you?"

How cynical of her.  And annoying.  "Yes."  She had to think about my simple yes.  "And I was a little curious about what Tim said Shaun asked."  Her eyes bugged a little.  "I know what I need right now Mary, just trust me.   And stop analyzing everything I say and do.  It's a little annoying."

"This has nothing to do with trust Nicky.  I just worry about you.  I'm sorry.  But I do.  I think there are a lot of things you avoid doing because you're afraid to get close.  You're worried someone will find out."

"I don't think you need to counsel me right now.   I did  come here to have fun.  I was  looking forward to it.  There doesn't need to be any deep seated reason why I'm here or how I'm going to avoid life."  I sat back to withdraw from this private conversation and looked around the gym.  The line for the artist was the same as it had been all night.  But I was eager to see how someone else saw me, even in fun.  "I'm going to go have myself drawn".   Mary didn't answer and I knew that she was close to being mad, and feeling bad because she was mad.  I wish I hadn't told her.  Because every minute with her, now, was overshadowed by her knowing and having to deal with it.  Which means I never got a break from it.  

I wandered over to the line behind the artist and stood behind Marty Matthews and his girlfriend Amber.  THey were standing with their arms around one another and her head was leaning into the side of his chest.  I don't remember seeing one without the other since ninth grade.  I heard the rumor they were going to get married.  Married.  They looked so young.  How could they get married?  I felt like I was burning holes in the back of their heads as I pictured them married and envisioned them across the next fifty years.  I tore my eyes from their married bliss and looked around the gym.

The music was non stop.  People were still dancing.  I never realized there were this many people in our class.  I didn't even know some of them.  Quite a few of them.  Mary and Tim came up behind me.

"Sorry."  Mary whispered in my ear.

"Don't be.  It's all right."  She smiled, not convinced every thing was all right.

"Well, Shaun found me again Nicky.  Want to know what he said?"

"Sure."  Yes, I do.  It's my choice to feel free for one minute.  One minute.  Free of it.  Free of heavy fear.  Free of the cloak of protection.   Just standing in that gym, with hundreds of kids around me.  I felt it was my choice.   It was a brief minute.  Not even a minute.  A moment.  It felt good.  Very good.

I looked at Mary.  I could see she didn't believe me.  What the hell?  I don't have to convince her of what I want.  Or don't want.  Why does she think I have to explain everything to her.

"He said he hoped you'd be here but didn't think you would be.  You know, he is a pretty nice guy. I didn't say too much because I didn't know what you wanted me to say."

Mary stood quietly.  Tim looked at me.  I was suppose to say something, but I don't know what.  Because I was trying to say something that I though Mary wanted me to say, instead of saying what I wanted to say.  "Let's just wait and see if he comes around...are you guys going to have your picture drawn?"

"I am what about you Mary?"  Tim seemed awfully fond of her.  I felt bad for Tim because he didn't know what was going on and he was trying to just skim right over the uncomfortableness that was pulsating from us.

I Never Felt Silly

There was nothing else to say.  I could hear Mary's family moving around downstairs.  I've known them all my life. Mary and I have been friends since we were born, literally.  Our parents were friends when we were born, living right here where we are now.  We grew up with our parents borrowing ladders and saws and hung out in each other's backyards or on our porches.   We hung out just to hang out.  Our families were comfortable with each other, even Mary's "dork" brother Mark was comfortable at my house, with or without Mary.  We had a comfortable life.  And sometimes that sucked.

Mary's mom yelled up for Mary to come eat dinner.  "You want to eat with us Nicky?"

"No, we just ate."

"Stay here then, I'll be back."   She went downstairs to eat.  I felt bad now that I had told Mary.  She wanted to protect me, but I made her make promised that prevented that.  I know she worried, I know she wanted to help.  She was seventeen, I made her almost forty.  She had always taken an interest in her mom's career, she even read the books her mom brought home to continuously study.  Mary seemed to understand most of what she read, and that was probably why she worried so much.  I had been doing reading and research of my own and I didn't like what I read.  I didn't want to believe what was written, because it didn't paint a very good picture for me.

I thought about mom and dad at home talking to Doug.  What were they talking about, me?  How's come they couldn't see it!  Oh God!  What if they ever found out?  Would they think I asked for it?  Would they hate me?

He was everywhere in my life.  Everything my family did, he did with us.  He was there.  He stayed at our house sometimes.  Those were the worst.  When he would sneak in to my room while my parents slept.  And they slept because they had no fears.  I always kept my eyes shut, especially at home.  He never said anything, never.  I sat up on Mary's floor and scooted over the floor to the wall and leaned against it.  I pulled my knees up and put my chin on my knees.  I wanted to go home.  But I didn't want to be there.  Maybe I should tell mom and dad.  I know they wouldn't want this to happen to me, they would make it stop.  Tell them?  No, they didn't deserve this.

It seemed like only minutes before Mary came back to the room and sat down.  "I looked, his car is gone."

"Oh...if mom asks, we were working on your research paper for psychology."  She nodded.  I looked at Mary.  I had put such a strain in our friendship.  She picked up her back pack from the floor and pulled out books and notebooks, she was an excellent student.  I did okay, mostly B's, some A's and a C every once in awhile.  I couldn't stay focused as well as Mary.  I could sit and study and work on homework over and over again like she did but it never came easy.  Not like it did for Mary.   She could read something once and have a full fledge discussion and even quote what she had read.

We did end up going over her outline.  She told me about the research her mom had helped her with.  Finally there was no avoiding it, I had to go home.  Mary walked me downstairs and out to the porch, we looked towards my house to make sure the car was still gone.  It was.  Slowly I walked off of Mary's porch.  I was very conscious of every step I took to my house.  Watching my feet place one foot in front of the other.  Examining my shoes and the gray contrast of the street with each footfall.  Nearly mesmerized by it.  I walked up our steps and through the front door.  Mom and dad were watching the news in the family room.  I headed to the kitchen to get a snack.  Mom followed me in.

"Are you okay Nicky?  I kept myself busy making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

"Yeah, why would you ask that?"  Trying to sound like it was a ridiculous question.

"I don't know, I guess I feel like something just isn't quite right."

I turned and smiled at her.  A genuine smile for someone so calm and kind.   "Mom, you are just being silly."   She smiled as I used one of her phrases on her.  I don't know how many times in my life she smiled at me and told me I was "just being silly".   Though I never, ever, felt silly.

"You're sure?" She stood with her hands on back of the chair around the kitchen table we used for nearly all of our family meals.  

"Yes Mom."  I nudged her with my elbow as I slipped past her and headed to my room.  I really did have homework I needed to work on.  Once upstairs I turned on the radio and put my sandwich on my desk.  I  grabbed my backpack and pulled my books out.  I sat at the desk.  The desk sat in front of a big bay windows that looked out onto the backyard.  Being fall, there was a good amount of leaves on the ground.  Green color still lay amongst the orange and yellows.  The leaves looked so cool, fresh, which sounds kind of stupid since they were now dead.  But they were so bright....next thing I knew it was 9:45 and mom was coming in the bedroom.

"What are you doing honey?"

I wasn't really sure, nothing but sitting and thinking.   "My homework".   

"Still?"  You've been up here for almost two hours.  I guess this is part of being a senior."

I couldn't help but smile at her.  "Yeah I guess so."  She sat on my bed, which meant she wanted to talk.  I just twisted in my chair to look at her.  

"Nicky I get the feeling something is wrong.  Are you sure everything is okay?"

God.   How do I tell her?  How do I not tell her?  She was leaning over a little bit, looking at me.  I can't talk to her about this.  It would kill her.

"Yes mom.  I promise.  I guess I'm just a little tired, we've been working pretty hard on the paper and the year book."

"Maybe you're working too hard?"  She looked concerned.  She looked at the books on my desk.    Please don't go there!  "No mom"  I tried to keep the panic out of my voice.  I had to have this to do.  "I really enjoy it, it feels good  to see all of this come together.  It's not a bad tired, it's a good tired.  Like I'm accomplishing something."

She watched my face.  I could feel her eyes scanning me.  I must have smiled at the right time because her face softened.  "As long as you're sure you're okay."

"I am."  She got up and placed her hand on my cheek.  She kissed my other cheek.  "I love you Nicky.  Don't stay up too late."

"I won't."  She closed the door as she left my room.  That just made me feel worse, not only do I lie to her, I convince her to believe it.  All she wants to do is talk to me and all I want to do is not talk to her because I'm afraid she'll figure it out.  This happens more and more, instead of talking with her and dad I go to Mary's or come up here.  Not wanting to talk about "it" and in the process not talking about much at all.

I went through my homework as quickly as I could.  Alternating between Algebra III and looking out the window.  Not even looking at anything.  Just looking. I made myself go to bed around 10:30 after going downstairs to tell mom and dad goodnight.  Back in my room again I didn't feel like sleeping but I laid on my bed.  I started to think about Doug.  Sometimes I wanted to ask him why me, what did I do?  Sometimes I felt sorry for him, and I don't even know why.  I hated him for that.  He never once talked once he started touching me, but before and after he would.  Once on the way back from a movie he had asked me when I would quit school and marry him.  That was just a little while ago, and that scared me.  Did he think this was something other than what it was?  Was he serious?  Or just playing mind games with me.  Him asking me that was almost as repulsive as anything else he had done to me.  I sat up on the bed.