It Will Change Others

"You've only told one person?  Mary?"  I nodded.  "Your parents don't know?"   I shook my head no.  "Are you going to tell them?"

I picked up a small rock off of the pavement and studied it's texture and shape.   "No."

"Why not?"

"For the same reason you didn't want to and the same reasons you wished you hadn't.  I don't think I could handle the way it would change their lives forever."

"Nickie, you should tell them."

"Of all people you should understand why I don't.  Please don't try to convince me that I should do that."

"It's not that I want to convince you to do something you don't want to do.  Are you prepared to keep this a secret from your parents forever?  Do you think you can do that and not let it come between you?"

"I have so far."

"You don't think this has come between you?"  The small rock wasn't big enough to hid much mystery.  I felt it's sharp edge as I pushed it into the tip of my finger.

"Maybe, but I would rather it come between us like this than risk my father feeling the way your's does.  I don't want to see this eat at them and change who they are.  It would effect them too much.  It's like you said.  I can deal with what happened to me a lot better than what it would do to them."

"Nickie, that's talk.  I meant it but I also know that I had to tell them."   I didn't respond.   I didn't want to go through this with him.  He knew that.  "Okay...anyway... besides that.  How are you doing?"

"I'm fine."

"That's a pretty non descript description."  He bent his head close to look at me.  I was done with the tears.  What a weak moment and I hate being weak.  I hate being needy.

"Tim I don't know how to describe how I am.  A lot of the things you said tonight was like you were taking the words right from my own thoughts.  I understood what you meant.  But I never thought or believed anyone else ever had those thoughts."

"More than you know.  I use to think that there was no way in hell anyone could understand how I felt.  But there are people who do."

"Honestly Tim I still feel that way.  You said a lot of the things  that I've felt for years.  But I still don't think or believe there is anyone who could possibly have a clue to who I am and what I feel or think.  I am NOT like anyone else.  This doesn't make me common to anyone.  I don't want to belong to a group where this is what we share and what keeps us together.  It is NOT who I am.  It happened to me.  And that's where I want it to end."  There was an anger starting to rock inside of me.  Not at Tim but at the idea that this made me like others that I didn't want to be associated with.  People who's commonality is what was done to them, not by choices they made.

"All right.  I'm not going to argue with you Nicky.   You don't think anyone can understand you.  I respect that.  I also repsect that you don't want this to be the guiding force in your life.  But I am glad that you told me and I want you to know that you are the same person to me that you were before you told me.  I won't think of you as 'Nicky the girl who was molested'.  I'll think of you as 'Nicky the girl I got to know my senior year through a girl I dated and we became friends and the girl I dated broke up with me and we stayed friends'."   He smiled, I couldn't help but laugh.

"Good, because that's who I feel like.  And I'm pretty content with that."   I stood up in the street.  "Let's head back to the house."  We walked across the street and quietly made our way to his car parked in front of our house.  He opened his car door and slid behind the wheel.  I closed the door for him and he smiled.  There didn't seem to be much more to say tonight.  We said good night and he left.  

It's My Choice, Right or Wrong

"I think so."  She wasn't very chatty.  She leaned back in the seat.  "I wish I had more feelings for Tim."

She was quiet for a few seconds.   "I just think he's so nice.  And you know that word is very underrated in my book.  I can talk to him and I'm comfortable around him.  I just don't have strong feelings like he does."

"You can't help that Mary."

"I know, but that doesn't help.  I want to feel something for him.  I couldn't find anyone who is more perfect.  He treats me with....dignity.  You know how he is.  I don't ever feel bad when I'm with him.  Except for the guilt for not feeling the same way he does."

"You were honest with him.  You shouldn't feel guilty about that.  And you aren't using him.  That would be worse. I don't think you're someone  who is so insecure that you need to stay with someone just so you won't be alone.  You have to do what you think is right.  IF you didn't, both of you might miss out on something incredible down the road."  I felt bad for being upset with her.   She genuinely cares for Tim but can't fake feelings that are not there.   She's being honest.

"Yeah....but what if Tim is my incredible?  What if I am looking for something that won't happen, feelings that aren't real, that are just part of movies and bad books.  And then I miss this.  What if the real is that someone treats you decent, would do anything for you, someone you can be comfortable around just being your regular old self.  What if that is my incredible and I miss it?"

We were quiet, thinking about missing the incredible.  "I don't know for sure what you need to hear right now.  But I think you have to trust yourself.  If you don't feel this is the right thing, the incredible thing, then trust that.  And personally?  I think Tim will be fine.  He did okay tonight.  I think he can accept that you don't feel the same way he does.  Besides, I think we all have years to discover our 'incredible'."

She smiled.  "I don't know.  I think maybe you found yours."

"Shaun?"  I'm not sure what an octave is but I think my voice went up a couple of them.  "I've seen him twice. Once by chance and tonight.  I don't think that maps out my future."

"Maybe not, but you won't know if you don't let this have a chance.  Don't hide from it."  

I didn't want to get mad.  But her constant advising and counseling was aggravating as hell.   "Mary?  Let's not go there.  My entire future does not have to revolve around what happened to me.  And it doesn't have to be mapped out tonight."

She turned in her seat to look at my while I drove.   "Nicky I am not going anywhere.  This is a fact of your life.  And I can't help it if I 'go there'.  I worry about you and you know it.  I only worry so much because I  know what this can do to a person.  And you are denying that it is affecting you.  And yes, your entire future does revolve around what happened to you."

"I don't think I'm denying anything.  I can't forget what happened.  It's there and always will be.  But I am trying to get past it.  I don't need to remind myself of it.  And I know what it's done to me.  But I don't have to let it do anything more to me.  And when I do finally get a moment where it isn't screaming in my head at me? You bring it up."

"I don't think you are 'letting' it do anything to you.  There isn't an 'it' Nicky.  There is a person.  A cruel and sick person who is always going to be in and out of your life and you will pretend nothing is wrong.  You'll ignore it.  And you won't let those who should know.  So your world will always be affected by him.    And I bring it up, because it's there."

"I know what you're getting at.  But I don't see the point in telling my parents or grandparents.  It's over.  They can't change it.  The pain it would cause them would be senseless."

"What about you?  Where do you fit in?  You know your parents would support you. They wouldn't allow the bastard anywhere near you.  They would press charges.  Which is what should be done.  Who else has he done this to?  And what about your grandparents?  You can't stand going there because of the way they uphold his behavior.  Do you think they would support him over what he did to you?"

"Yes, grandma would.  And I don't think he's done this to anyone else."

"Oh Nicky".  She laid her head back in the seat and closed her eyes.  "Pardon the big words but that is disillusional on your part.  Why would you think he wouldn't do to someone else what he did to you for years?  And who is he hurting now, now that you've scared him?  Do you think he went away and is suddenly living a celibate, respectable life?  His sole purpose in life was only to do this to you?  This was all for him.  What he did he did for himself.  He didn't give a damn who it was.  Whatever his reasons he did this to satisfy himself and in the process control and control and control something.  It happened to be you.  But now that it's not you....it's somebody."

I wanted to scream....and every ounce of me was, inside.  "Don't you think I've thought of that?  I have.  Okay?   I have.  But I can't destroy my family I can't do this to my parents.  Do you have any idea what this would do to them?  The guilt they would feel?  The anguish they would live with for the rest of their lives?  I can NOT do that to them!"  I slammed my hand on the steering wheel.  "And don't tell me what I have to, or should, do.  This is ME."

She didn't respond immediately.   I wanted to look at her but didn't.  "Nicky I can't imagine what you're going through.  And I don't want you to think I'm preaching.  I just think that you ask yourself the same questions and you have some of the same thoughts I do.  And if this is what you are going through, and always will, what other little girl's life is now being destroyed?"  She hesitated.   "And I think you've decided your parents and grandparents can't handle this, unfairly.   They were, and still are, the adults."

"If I could do something Mary, I would."  I pictured a little girl, another little girl.  I didn't want to think of it because if I thought of it and agreed with Mary then aren't I as responsible for that little girl?  Then I pictured mom and dad.  I pictured telling them.  Like I had pictured telling them thousands of times over the years.  But I couldn't imagine their reaction.  Sometimes it was them coming to my rescue.  Sometimes it was them defending Doug.  Sometimes it was me being sent somewhere for 'help'.  Sometimes it was them not believing.  Sometimes there was nothing because I just couldn't conjure up this image.  I could not tell them.  I couldn't pretend it and I couldn't do it.  Some of the things I imagined bothered me more than not telling.  So I didn't tell.

"Mary I know this disappoints you.  But I can't tell them.  I can't.  I would like to think that this will go away.  I know you don't think it will.  But you can't tell me anything or preach anything to me that I haven't already told myself and beat myself up about.  I would like to think that I'm the only one he has done this to.  Part of me does believe that.  I have lived with this for my forever and I don't want to live with it anymore.  How am I ever going to get away from it if I tell my parents?  How will I ever live with the way they look at me and the way they feel?  How can I ruin their lives and then go about living?"

"How can you not tell them and live a lie?"

"I haven't lied to them.  I have protected them."

"It's not your job to protect them."  This time she slammed her hand down on the dashboard.  "It's their job to protect you!"

Her anger seemed wrong to me.  This was my anger.  "It's too late for that Mary and I can't change that.  They can't protect me now from what's already happened."  I pulled up in front of Mary's house.  I saw her mom look out the door, see it was us, wave and disappeared in to the house.  "God how did we get on this again?"

"Because it's never resolved."

I turned to her quickly.  "Resolved?  What kind of resolution do you want Mary?  I am glad, relieved, that Doug is gone.  It is OVER for me.  That is my resolution.  Do you want him hunted down and brought back so he can be confronted?  By who?  Me?  So I can relive it in all it's detail for my parents to hear?  For the world to hear?  So EVERYONE knows this about me?   The resolution you're talking about is to satisfy what YOU think would be resolved.   When I think it's MY decision."

Mary didn't budge.  She spoke quietly.  Without anger.  "Yes Nicky, that is what I want.  This isn't your shame.  It's his.  You should be free to be happy.  You shouldn't be carrying his guilt.  It's his.  All his.  I have known you my entire life.  I know what you've missed out on.  Maybe I didn't always know why or understand it.  But now I do.  It isn't right.  It's weird but all of our lives I always thought you seemed so old.  Older than me.  Older than our parents.  Maybe 'old' isn't even a good way to describe it.  But while the rest of us could laugh and be silly and enjoy the crazy in our lives you cringed at it.  You were apart from it.  And that's what is wrong here.  You are always going to be apart from us.  You will never let yourself belong because you feel that this is who you are.  Well, it isn't.  It is what was done to you."  Even softer.  "And yes, I do think everyone should hear what he did.  Because he should have to face the world looking at him, for what he did.  So you stop thinking the world is looking at you because of what was done."

Equally quiet, from me.   "All that may be true.  But right now this is how I am.  You aren't telling me anything I don't already know about myself.  There is no one who will ever be able to dissect every feeling I have better than I can myself.  But this is my comfort zone right now.  Do you remember in psychology when we talked about boundaries?   Personal boundaries?"

"Yep."

"Well I am very aware of my boundaries and they are right where I need them to be.  It's a comfort to discover things that help me realize what I am feeling and dealing with are normal.  Normal for what happened in my life.  You can not expect me to deal with this the way YOU feel is right for me.  Maybe someday I will talk to someone.  And maybe not.  But that is for me to decide and not you or anyone else."

She was very quiet.  We had locked on to each other's eyes.  Neither of us wanted to 'give'.  "I don't want to decide anything for you.  I am not that comfortable with this either.  I don't like not telling my mom, and I feel guilty knowing this when your parents don't.  I just want you to be happy Nicky."

Having Fun-I Can

I woke feeling the same feelings from my sleep, which were carried in to my sleep from the party.  I looked at my alarm clock.  It was almost three in the afternoon.  What an odd time to be waking up.  I lay there listening to the house.  Same sounds.  Everything felt so fresh.  That was a Sunday feeling.  I didn't want to move but didn't want to waste away the rest of the day either.  I got out of bed, made it, and changed into some shorts and a t-shirt.  Pulled my hair in to a pony tail.

Downstairs was empty.  I poured a glass of cranberry juice from the refrigerator and looked out the back door.  Dad was sitting in a lawn chair talking to mom who was sitting on the ground doing something with a potted plant.  I wondered out to where they sat.

"Hi".  They looked up and smiled that smile of accomplishment.  I had graduated and they still felt good about it.

"Hi.  We thought you might sleep all day."  I sat on the ground next to mom.  "You've had quite a few calls already.  I think everyone else you graduated with beat you by about three hours."

"What do you mean?"

"Mary called and so did that friend of hers, Tim.  And some nice sounding young man named Shaun called.  They would all like for you to call them AS SOON as you wake up."  I knew she was dying to ask who Shaun was.

"Oh".  I couldn't help but smile.  Inside and out.  That made mom smile and dad just looked at me.

He couldn't stand it.  "Who's Shaun?"  I caught mom throwing him a mother look and he just shrugged at her.

"He graduated, we just talked a lot last night.  He wanted me and Mary and Tim to go to his graduation party today."

"Are you going?"  Mom looked hopeful.  Like I said, I don't think I gave them much excitement in life.

"I was going to call Mary and see if she wanted to go,"

"You know where the phone is."  Dad was just a little too blase as he flipped his hand towards the house.  Mom threw a clump of dirt at him from the potted plant.

"Leave her alone Neil."

He looked indignant.  "Oh....and you haven't been out her for the last two hours painting pictures of who this Shaun is and their life together."

Mom blushed.  "I have not Nicky.  I was just curious as to who he was and if we know him."

"It's all right mom.  I'll go call him."  I got up and walked away but not before hearing mom start to lay in to dad about why he would say that to me.  Poor mom.   Poor dad.  They were too funny but it was kind of sad that they were this excited about a call from a boy.

I called Mary first because I wasn't going anywhere unless she went.  She asked why not.  She even asked if Tim might want to go with us just for fun so we hung up and she was going to call Tim.

I sat staring at the phone in my hand before calling Shaun.  I had never done that.  Call a guy.  A guy I kinda wanted to see.  A guy I felt kind of nervous about in a happy sort of way.  I could feel a nervous tremor in my hand as I started to dial his number from the note mom had left on the counter by the house phone.  He picked up on the first ring.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this Shaun?"

"Nicky?  I didn't think you would ever wake up!"

"Well I just did."

"Are you coming over?"

"I think so.  I think Mary and Tim are too if that's still okay."

"It's great.  When?"

"Well I still need to get dressed and pick up Mary and Tim and find out how to get to your house."

"If you're picking up Tim he knows how to get here.  Just dress casual.  Shorts or something.  No one is dressed up here."

I told him we would be there as soon as we all got ready.  While I was upstairs getting ready Mary came up.  She was sitting in my room when I came out of the bathroom.  She was wearing new shorts and shoes and looked as cute as could be.  I had on new clothes mom had picked up weeks ago but I had never worn.

"I think we look great Nicky.  Are you going to fix your hair?"  I had just rebrushed it and put it back in a pony tail.

"No, I like it like this."

"Okay, Time said he would be ready for us.  I kind of figured you would want to drive."

I smiled.  New car.  "Good guess."  We went downstairs and outside and told mom and dad our plans which thrilled them I could tell.  But I could also see them straining to not let me see that.

In the car Mary let me know that she had noticed.   "Your mom and dad sure seemed excited about you going to this party."

"I know.  Sometimes I feel like I've let them down.  Like I haven't given them enough, or much, to be excited about as parents."

"I would think most parents would like not having too much excitement.  I mean, thin of the anxiety parents must live with."

"I know.  But I mean good excitement.  Like me going to the prom or on dates or being on a team.  Stuff like that."

"I don't think you have anything to worry about.  You surely are not a disappointment to your parents."

"You don't think so?"   It was good to hear her say that.  Mary wouldn't lie to me.

"God no Nicky.  Your parents adore you."

"I know.  I just must be awfully boring to them.  You should have seen them when I got up and went downstairs.  They didn't even ask about the party they went right to Shaun's calling and couldn't wait for me to call him back."

"Well, it is kind of exciting.  I mean, even I'm excited about it."

"Why?"  I was taking my time driving to Tim's.  I felt like talking.  I wanted to know what everyone felt and Mary would do her best to explain it.  "Wait!"  I saw a drive thru and pulled in to it.

"What are you doing?"

"This is my first real drive somewhere in my own car, and we should go to our first drive thru in my car and get something to drink.  My treat."

"All right.  A case of beer."

"Get serious."

"It was worth a try.  All right, a root beer."   I ordered a rootbeer and a rasberry flavored water and a bag of pretzels, just to order something.  We went on our way.

"Okay, so why is this is exciting for you that Shaun wants me to go to his party."

"Nicky, are you serious?  I have never seen you go out with a boy, or even want to.  And NO I don't think you have to be with a guy to be happy, but I also think that you avoid doing fun things.  I think you would enjoy yourself."

"I don't think I avoid fun."

"I am not going to argue with you about that.  But, yes, you do.  How many games didn't you go to so you could stay home?  The same thing with dances, parties, just going out.  You would rather not do those things."

"That's not a bad thing."

"Maybe, maybe not.  I guess it depends on why you are doing it.  Or rather, not doing it."

I knew she meant Doug.  Or what Doug had done.  "I don't know Mary.  Maybe.  But I was more comfortable at home.  I am not all that comfortable around a lot of people.   And that is not a bad thing."

"Because you don't want them to know anything about you."

"Do you work with your mother or something?"

"She is pretty smart you know.  And I do like reading her books."

"We aren't all book cases you know."

"I know Nicky. I don't think for a minute that you are a typical case of anything.  I say what I say because I know you and what say comes from my heart, not any books I read."

"I'll buy that."   She smiled.  We were getting close to Tim's.  I didn't want to keep talking about this.  Mary did know me.  But no matter how well she knows me, she doesn't know everything.  Tim was waiting on the porch for us.  As soon as he saw us he opened the front door like he was yelling something in to the house and was in the driveway standing there waiting but the time I stopped the car by him.  He opened Mary's door and climbed in the back seat behind her.

Party To Sleep

"What time is it?"  We all looked at our watches.  New watches.

"Five fifteen."  In the morning?  I couldn't believe it.  I am very much off my schedule.  And I feel great.  Tired but relaxed.

"We can leave at six can't we?"  Mary wasn't having as much fun.  Or she felt bad about her and Tim.  

"I think so.  Do you guys want to go out to breakfast?"  Tim looked eagerly at all of us.  

Before I could answer Mary did.  "I am so tired you guys.  I want to go to bed."  She looked apologetic but...

"Sure" nice.  Uncomfortable pause.  "But I am hungry.  I'll be back."

"I'll go with you."  Shaun went with Tim.

"Are you mad about something Mary?"

She tried to look fake surprised.   "Me?"

"Yes.  You.   What's wrong?"

She slumped on to the table and talked in to the table cloth.  "I am just very tired and want to go to bed."  If she didn't want to tell me I wasn't going to demand her to.    "I just feel uncomfortable."   Still, to the table cloth.

"About what?"

"With Tim and everything."  We aren't really seeing each other now."

"So I heard."

"From who?"  She turned her head so she was looking up, with the side of her head on the table.

"Tim."

"I just don't want him to think this is serious.  I'd rather tell him now and not just go along with it so I don't hurt his feelings."

"He really likes you Mary.  His feelings will hurt."

"I know that.  And I like him.  But that's all.  Like...nothing more.  I don't want to hurt him Nicky.  That's what makes this worse. If he got mad or I didn't like him because he was a jerk or something.  But he isn't.  He is so ...gentle, sweet."   She left her head lying on the table.   Looking at me.

"Then let him be okay with this.  Don't be miserable about it.  He'll be okay.  You can be friends.  It isn't like you've been serious."

"I haven't but I think he was."

"Well...yeah, but I mean you haven't .... you know"   I really don't want to know this "done anything."

She closed her eyes.  "No.  Nicky.  We haven't."

"It'll be alright Mary.  We do you have to be uncomfortable around him.  That would make it worse on him."

"I know.  Maybe after I get some sleep I'll be alright."

Tim and Shaun came back to the table carrying a load of donuts and bagels.  We gorged.  Even Mary ate.  Mary wasn't the only one getting tired.  There were heads lying on tables and hanging back all over the room. The music in the corner was still playing.  But it was soft.  Slow music.  There were some die hards still dancing.

"Anybody have any big plans today?"  I felt like talking, even with my mouth full.

"Bed."  Mary had only one focus.

"Dinner with my grandparents."

"My family is having a graduation party for me.  You are guys are all welcome to come over."  Shaun was looking right at me.  

"Another party?"   I was liking the idea of bed.

"Sure, how often do you graduate from high school?"

"Don't you have to sleep?"

"I promised mom and dad I would come right home from here and go to sleep.  They really put a lot of work in to this so I figured I better let them..  Would you come over?"

Mary and Tim were both trying to make it look like they weren't watching me.  "Yes.  I would.  But I can't promise.  What time?"

"Since it's Sunday it's an early party.  We're starting about three."

"I'll try."  It felt good that Shaun looked pleased.   Maybe even excited.  But it felt scary too.  We sat quietly looking at everyone else around the gym.  It didn't look like anyone had left early.  And though I was tired and this was suppose to be the end of my high school experience I felt as if it was the first high school experience I had.  

Why is it, tonight, that I feel young.   For so long I didn't know what young felt like.   It feels like this?  It feels good.

There was a quietness, a hush, over all of us.  Everyone seemed to be aware of what this was.  It would be the last time that this group of people would ever be together like this.  Young.  Excited.  With unknown and undreamed of lives in front of us.

There was a group of girls on the dance floor in a big hug.  They were crying.  They were familiar faces.  But unknown people, to me.  Could I have been one of them?  I watched them.  I looked at others who watched them and I could see sad faces.  Faces that smiled.  Either because they looked silly out there sobbing or because they felt something kindred to those girls.  I glanced at Mary who's face was propped up on her hands, but she was looking at everyone else also.  Tim was looking at Mary.  Shaun was looking around the gym.

The song ended and the DJ announced he was playing the last song.  Of course it was "Auld Lang Syne."  Many couples got up to dance.  Many turned their chairs to watch, listen, sing under their breaths.  Mary got up and took Tim's hand and they went to dance.  I didn't want to dance.  Not to this.  It didn't feel right.  Shaun either didn't want to dance either or got a good feeling from me that I didn't want to.  He slid his chair right next to me and rested his elbows on his knees and his face in hands.  Watching.  Part of me wanted to reach out and caress the hair just touching the nape of his neck.  Part of me squirmed at the thought of doing such a thing.

The song ended.  Everyone stood or sat completely still for a brief moment.  Then someone flipped on the over head lights and nearly blinded us all.   Then everyone cheered.  We were now ready to be adults.  Or the so the world told us.  First, I think most of us wanted to go to bed.

Mary and TIm returned.  We all gathered our pictures, jackets, ties, purses.   Everyone made their way out to the cool air of the morning.  Tables were set up to hand back our car keys by alphabet.  Find your last name letter, get your keys back.  There were also little gift bags for each of us with mementos emblemazed with our school mascot, our year of graduation.  Nice.

Shaun walked us to my car.  "I hope you can come to my party."

Tim and Mary quickly got in my car.  They were so obvious.  "I'll try Shaun.  But I'm not sure what my parents have planned."

He hung his head a little and stared at his shoe, or mine.  "I'm glad I finally got to talk to you Nicky."

"Me too."  What do I say!  For crying out loud why can't I say something.....smart!  He stood there and stared at me.  A little unnerving I must say.  

"Well....okay.  Maybe I'll see you at my house then."  It was a statement not a question.  I smiled.  He smiled.  He backed away from the car.  I got in and he closed my door.  As we pulled away Mary and Tim started singing "kiss the girl" from "The Little Mermaid" and then Mary moaned.  Then Tim moaned.  

"What is wrong with you two?"

"Nicky that poor guy wanted to kiss you and you just blew him off."   Mary shook her head.

"He did not."  I looked at Tim in the rearview mirror for confirmation of this.  He shook his head yes.  "Yeah, he did."  I stared at Tim like he was a traitor.  "Sorry" and he shrugged his shoulders.  I was not going there with them.  Not right now.  I was too tired.  We chatted aimlessly until we dropped Tim off.  Then Mary tried to talk about Shaun, and I wanted to talk about Tim, but we were both too tired to really talk about either.  We agreed we really didn't need to talk right now at all.  Maybe later.  I dropped Mary off and went home.  Took a shower.  Went to bed.  I knew mom or dad, or both, were awake in their room.  But I was too tired and they didn't come out to ask so I didn't go in to tell them about the night.  It would also wait.

I lie in my bed with my covers neatly around me.  I stared at my familiar ceiling.  This night.  What have I done with my life?  Why did I wait until tonight to let something make me feel good?  I thought over the entire evening.  I felt comfortable with people I did not know very well.  How was this possible when I am not even comfortable with people I know?  I thought of the hug I gave Tim and Emmit.  WHere did that come from?  I don't even like hugging my parents.  All of the faces and the stories from the night swam through my head while I slept.

I think I slept.   

Graduating To Something Better

"Might as well."  I caught a slight twitch in Tim's face.  I knew he thought she was mad at him for some reason and I wanted to slap her for making him feel that way.  In all the times we had been together I had never seen Tim be anything but generous and very easy to talk to.  I don't know about her but I felt this was awkward.

"You guys want anything, I'm kind of hungry?"  They both shook their heads so I left them and wandered away.  God this is going to be a long night.   Now I was ready to go home and now I remembered why I don't do these things often.   Dealing with people was just too hard.

I went to one of the tables set up with sandwiches and one of the moms working was too cheerful, and excited.   It took ten minutes to pick up a sandwich and get away.  I sat in a chair by the wall behind the food table.  This mom was too happy.  She chatted easily with everyone who approached her table and seemed to pass her good cheer on to all.  I sat watching, and felt myself enjoying her.  And her happiness.  

I finally left my seat, with a smile of my own.  It was comforting to watch her kindness and apparent thrill at our success.  I went to the end of the gym where they were dancing and sat at an empty table.  Most of the couples who were dancing were familiar faces and familiar pairings.  The kinds of kids I saw at every thing that I did bother to attend.  And more than likely they attended every school function.  They thrived in high school, in life, or with it.

I'm not sure how long I was sitting there watching before I realized someone was sitting at the large found table with me.  It was Shaun.  He smiled.   "Hi."

"Hi."

"I didn't want to bother you."

"You aren't."  He smiled and looked over at the others dancing.  I watched him watching them for a few seconds.  We were quiet for a few minutes.

"Can I sit here and talk with you a little?"

"Sure."

"Do you know who I am?"

"Yes Shaun, do you know who I am?"  We both smiled.  He got up and moved closer, to the chair next to me.

"I was hoping you would be here."

"So I heard, how's come?"

"I guess I wanted to talk with you."

"About what?"

He looked startled.   "Uh...to talk, to get to know you I mean."

"Oh..."  I laughed, feeling nervous.  "Sorry, that was stupid of me."

"No...no...it just kind of surprised me.  Where's Mary and Tim?"  He half heartedly looked around.  

"Waiting to get their charactures drawn." 

"I thought that was pretty neat.  I had mine done.  Are you going to have yours?"

"Yeah, who is that doing the drawing?"  Shaun looked over at the still small crowd around the artist. 

"That's Emmit, don't you remember him?"

"No, who is he?"

"He graduated last year.  He does a lot of stuff with the art department.  He just finished his first year at the university.  He's going to be a teacher.  Everyone says he should be an artist.  But I guess he really wants to teach.  Art is what he does for fun he says."

"Do you know him?"

"Yeah, I'm surprised you don't.  Emmit seems to know everyone."   We were quiet for a few minutes watching Emmit.  Actually, watching everyone who was watching Emmit.  I guess maybe he was familiar.  But I didn't know him.  It's my own fault.  I don't feel like I belong because I never joined in.  I wasn't a part of my own life here.  How depressing.  I could have cried.

"Hey, let's walk around a little.  Or would you like to dance?"

"I think I would rather walk."  So we walked,  And talked.  As we walked out of the gym Tim caught my eye and smiled at me, for me.  The entire first floor of the school was open with activities in some classrooms, and some were just set up to be able to go in and sit and talk.  I never realized how many people I had gone through the last four years of my life with.  How did I do that without being aware of most of them.   

We roamed the school for what seemed like a very short time, stopping and sitting in some rooms, playing games in others.  Everywhere people were cheerful, excited, and very tired.  Sometimes I caught myself watching others more than listening to Shaun.  Sometimes we didn't even talk, we just sat or walked. We made it back to the gym and went to see Emmit.  I thought Emmit must have been very tired.  We stood in the line with about six people in front of us.  No one seemed impatient.

"I can't believe I waited until the last night of school to finally talk to you."

"You've been wanting to talk to me?  Why didn't you?"  He was at least eight inches taller than me, dark and wavy hair, brown eyes that glowed behind his glasses.

"I don't know...you didn't...well...you weren't at a lot of school functions."

"I was at some."  I wasn't at a lot.

He looked down at his feet.  "Don't take me wrong because I have loved talking to you tonight...but you seemed kind of unapproachable."

"ME?"   

"Yes, you.  But not stuck up like.  Just, like you didn't want to be bothered."  I pretended to look at something past him, I checked the time.  I wanted to cry.  Why?   Because I didn't want to be bothered.   Being bothered didn't feel good.   "Nicky I'm sorry.  I didn't mean that to sound..."

"No, Shaun...I guess maybe I did come across like that."

He placed his hand very gently on my arm "are you okay?"

I stared at his hand.  Geez.  Do not start crying.  Don't cry.  Don't cry.  "I'm okay.  I think I am so tired that I am getting emotional from exhaustion".  He kind of patted my arm and pulled his hand back.  I wanted to cry...because when he touched me, it felt good.  It felt okay.  Safe.

"Why don't I get us something to drink while we wait here?"  I smiled in relief.  Gratitude.  He grinned as he took a few backward steps, then turned and walked away.

Is this what I have missed out on?  Someone nice and concerned and pleasant.  He voice was so soft.  His manners so...mannerly.  While we walked around so many people said so many nice things, and a lot of them did the "remember when we" stories with Shaun.  And we would all laugh.  But I wasn't part of the remember when stories.  What was I doing?  What was I a part of?  My eyes were burning.  Someone tapped me on the shoulder.  I turned to see a smiling Tim at my side.

"Hey, how's it going?"

"Pretty good."

"Ha!  You've been with Shaun for hours and all you can say is 'pretty good'?"

"Hours?"  I looked at my new watch.  Yeah.  Hours.

"Yes!"  I laughed at his silliness.  He was acting very much like a fifth grader and I loved it.

"Okay, it has been pretty wonderful tonight.  Is that better?"

"A little."  

"Where's Mary?"

He avoided looking at me suddenly.  "We kind of talked."

"About....?"    I already knew.

"We kind of, we've decided, we kind of agreed that we were meant to be more like friends....than dating."  He was smiling at his feet.  There was no sincerity to his smile.

"Who decided that?"

"We did.  I already knew before she said anything.  I mean, about how she felt.  Most people's feelings are pretty obvious."

"Do you think so?"

"Yep."

"I'm sorry Tim.  I know you really care about her."

"Sure...but I would rather have her in my life as a friend than not at all."  There was a little flash of sarcasm.  Or pain.  I would how many people say that and don't mean it.  This time I reached out and patted Tim's arm.  I kept my hand on his arm.  He looked at my hand, much the same way I had looked at his, and smiled at me.  "And you know what else?"

"What?"

"I like that I got to know you."

That felt good.  "I'm glad you said that.  I have kind of gotten use to you.  I think I like you Tim."  He laughed.  He hugged me.  I hugged him back.  Shaun joined us and he gave me a pop.  I couldn't believe how comfortable this was.  Slowly we made our way to the front of the line.  Shaun watched as Emmit drew my picture, he and Tim kept telling him where to draw warts and horns.  When he was done I took the picture and was a little fearful of how he saw me.  I turned it to look at it.

What I saw was what I felt now.  How I felt.  Now.   My entire face was pretty much a smile.  He had even drawn a small star in one of my eyes.  Emmit was standing, waiting for my reaction.  I kept looking at the picture.  What a happy picture.  I smiled at Emmit.  I didn't know what to say to him.  I felt good, and Emmit saw that.  I threw my arms around Emmit and hugged him.  That was not predictable!  Who was I tonight?

We went back to the table we had been sitting at earlier.  Mary and Tim each had their picture lying on the table, Shaun went to get his.  We compared them all.  Mary joined us.  The entire time we sat and talked and laughed.  Sometimes I felt like was separate, watching.  It was an unreal experience.  Maybe not unreal, but unfamiliar, yet wanted.  Mary sat on the other side of Tim, who was sitting next to me.  She still seemed a little reserved.  I don't get people.  Not even Mary half of the time.  Here is Tim, who was obviously crazy for her and she doesn't want that.  I guess she can't help it if the feelings aren't there.  I'm not sure that's what it is though.

ABOUT THIS STORY-PAGE BREAK SO TO SPEAK!

Readers, thank you for reading!

Just a little information about this story.

I wrote this story about Nicky many years ago.  The story about Nicky is fiction.  But the facts about her thoughts and feelings, and dealing with life, are very real.

I know this first hand.   But I didn't want to write my story.  I wanted to write "a" story.  A story that explains to others what happens to our hearts and our thoughts, and how we view the world.   And by "we" I guess I mean "me".   But I've talked to enough "others" to know that I am not alone in my skewed view.  And isn't that sad that there are so many of us.   I started Nicky's story at the end of the physical part of the sexual abuse.   But the abuse doesn't end there.  Because of the abuser Nicky deals with the abuse every day when she looks in the mirror and sees the person the abuser saw.  Someone who "deserved" to be hurt, or wasn't as good as everyone else so she/he can be taken advantage of.

But this story isn't about what the abuser did.  Not as much as it is about what Nicky does.  Or will do.

I wrote the story so very long ago that as I retype it here I am not really happy with it.  But I'm trying to stick with it.  I think it is a very important story to tell.   Please stick with me.  I promise there are some redeeming parts to this.

Because for Nicky, for me, for anyone who has been sexually abused....what matters is us.  We do matter.  And what is going on inside of us is not easy to deal with.

I'm not speaking "for" anyone else.  I'm writing a story trying to paint a picture of the inside of a life that was hurt, tortured and demeaned.   And I want the picture to show the world that I am not broken.

This happened to me.  I have spent my life choosing who I will be.  Not letting what happened to me decide who I am.

Please bare with me as I try to get this story out.  It's not exactly how I want it.   But it's a process.  Any feedback is appreciated.