Where I Am

We stopped long enough to eat with mom and dad.  I could see his nervousness and I felt sorry for him.  Mom and dad tried hard to include him and at the same time not put him on the spot.  They did discover that he was leaving in the fall for a college in Ohio and had a partial scholarship.  He was leaving in the fall?

Immediately my brain somersaulted off into the future plotting out everything that was going to happen between now and then with me life.  But I had to stop.  I had already done this plotting and planning and knew what was going to happen.  But that was just with me.  Was there a chance there would be someone else to consider in my life?  What would that do to my plans?  I quickly tried to fit him in and still keep the same plan.  How can I plan this when I don't have a clue what his plan is?  How can I plan his feelings?  How can I plan mine?  For crying out loud I haven't figured out my past eighteen years how am I going to figure out the next four months?

I felt sweaty and it wasn't from the painting.  I found myself laughing at dad teasing mom.  I don't know what about, but mom was smiling and so was Shawn so I did it again.  Thinking about something else and missed the part of my life I was in right now.  What can't I stay where I am!

"I guess if I want my room finished I need to drag you back up there go get busy."  Shawn rolled his eyes but jumped up readily enough.  Mom was beside herslef and I think dad was catching her fever.  I gave them both a 'calm down' look as I went past them.  I could hear them start to chatter as soon as I headed up the stairs.  In my room I turned the music a little louder but closed my door so it wouldn't bother them.

"That wasn't so bad was it?"  I laughed as he crumpled towards the tarp covered pile in the middle of the floor. 

"No, not so bad.  I'll get use to them."  We were standing fairly close and the hair on my arms and neck were standing straight up.  "If that's okay with you."

"I think so."   How do I do this?

"You think so?  Do you need more time to think about it?"

"I was afraid to speak, my throat felt very thin.  Like a sound coming out of it would burst it.

"I mean, okay, yes, I'm nervous too but Nicky I can't wait anymore to see what can happen with us.  I'm going away to school.  I have now, this summer, to get to know you.  I don't want to leave here and take a chance that someone else wants to get to know you.  I want you to get to know me."  He stopped to breath.  Very deeply.  He looked at me.  But stood still, where he was.   "Okay.  I have practiced talking to you a hundred times and they all sounded better than right now. I want to get to know you. I like you Nicky.  And I would like to spend this summer talking to you, doing things with you.  What ever you want to do.  But I want us to start right now.  Not six weeks from now."  He looked up at the ceiling.  I think he wanted me to say something but I was afraid to use any part of my body because I didn't think it would function right.

Here is a boy.  A guy.  Whatever!  And he wants to be with me.  Why?  Can't he tell?  Maybe he can't, but he will.  Then what?  How could he possibly be interested in me with everything that is wrong with me?

He took a step closer and I could feel my insides tremble.  "Nickie I don't know a whole lot about you.  But I feel like I have to promise you I won't hurt you.  I don't know why.  But it's a promise I will make to you right now and I will keep it.  Just tell me 'okay'.  Just say that and we'll go from here.  If you say anything else than I know I should let it go."

"Okay."  It popped out before I could analyze it.  Thankfully.

"Um, is that an okay because it's okay, or is that an okay I should let it go?"  I knew he was trying to be funny but he was also still nervous.  Already I knew that about him.

"Okay, you said to say okay and that's the okay I'm saying."

"Okay?"

"Okay."   His smile was one of relief.  I could tell that too.  If he was as scared and nervous as I was then I don't know how we got to where we were standing with no light between us.  I could feel the heat from his shirt and surely that was his heart pounding against my chest.  Or was it mine beating against his?  I couldn't tell who's it was.  He reached his hand to my shoulder and slid it behind my neck and in an instant I don't know where all of the heat went to.  I was clod.  A thrilling, chilling cold of anticipation.  What I feared most, was fearing his touch.  When his hand slid behind my neck there was a tinge of fear.  But his hand turned and he caressed my neck pulling his hand back out.  He slid his hand down my arm and took my hand.  Pulling my hand up between us he clasped it between his two hands and held it to his chest.  

"Part of me wants to rush everything because I want you to feel like I do Nicky. "  My forehead was a fraction of a hair's width from his chin and he nudged my forehead back with his chin so that I was looking at him.  His eyes were big, brown .... and watering.  Didn't look like tears.  He kept blinking.

"What's wrong Shawn?"  He dropped his head and smiled.  He let go of my hand and his hand went to his left eye.  

"There's something in my eye."  

"Why didn't you say something?"  I opened the bedroom door and took his hand leading him to my bathroom.  "Wash your eye out."

"I can't, I have my contacts in."  

"Take it out.  I'll get some of my mom's saline solution.  You can wash your contact off with it."  I went to mom's room and interrupted their conversation.   "Sorry, but Shawn has something in his eye, can I get your saline for him?"  Mom went to the bathroom and came back with a bottle of the clear liquid.  As I left the room I heard mom say something about me taking care of him  God she was so hopeful.  Pangs of sorrow for her found their way to my heart.

I walked in the bathroom and Shawn was standing there with his left eye shut and his right for finger sticking out.  Quickly I washed my hands and then took his contact.  While I held his contact I watched him wash out his eye which was by now red and a little puffy. I must have been watching him pretty intently, I didn't notice him watching me in the mirror until he spoke.  

"Sorry, I was trying to pretend like it didn't bother me."

"Why?"

"I didn't want to ruin the moment."  You didn't, is what I wanted to say as I held there with my hand out cradling his contact in my palm.  I suddenly realized how personal this may seem to him.  Me standing next to him in the bathroom casually holding his contact while he washed out his eye.  I couldn't help but smile one of those uncontrollable happy smiles that come over you and you can't exactly explain it.

"Why are you smiling like that?"

"I don't really know.  I think it's because I don't normally stand in bathrooms with guys holding their contact and feeling comfortable about it."  He took the contact and started to wash it off with the saline.

"Feeling comfortable about what?  The guy or the contact?"  He watched me in the mirror.

"Both I guess.  Just seems kind of personal to me.  I don't usually feel this comfortable with others."  He had his head back and was putting in his contact.  He blinked a few times and then washed his hands and dried them on the hand towel I was glad I had put out fresh earlier.

He turned to look  at me direct instead of through the mirror.  "You feel comfortable wtih me?"  He didn't move to touch me but I felt like we were very intimate.

"I think so."  He grinned and crossed his arms as he leaned against the counter. 

"You think so?  I guess I'm kind of glad that you don't normally feel comfortable with others.  But it also sounds kind of sad."

I looked at him for a minute to see if he thought there was more to what he said.  I smiled thinking I could throw him off.   "Let's go to the porch for some fresh air, I think we are full of fumes."  I led the way and he followed.  I went to the kitchen first and got some water with him just following me quietly.  We made our way to the porch and sat on the swing.  With respectable distance between us I might add.  The moment in the bedroom seemed to have disappeared and I felt a little bewildered.  I wasn't sure if I was glad about that, or was I disappointed?

Slowly we let the swing go to and fro.  He pretty much controlled the swing with his longer legs.  I sat back far enough to where my feet just barely touched the porch.  My mind was a whirl with thoughts, pictures and scenarios.  In my head he kissed me a hundred different ways.  That first kiss.  Then I pictured him leaving without touching me again and I felt somewhat relieved.

"Nickie?"  For an answer I turned to look at him.  "About what I was trying to say upstairs."   He shifted on the swing to sit sideways and look at me.  "I mean what I was trying to say. I want to spend this summer with you.  And I was hoping that you might want the same thing."  His hand reached out and brushed along my forehead.   

What Did I Miss?

It wasn't too soon when I left grandma and grandpa at home with mom and dad so I could go pick up Mary.  I could tell when we got home that grandma and grandpa had fought in their car on the way to our house.  I felt sorry for grandpa.  It was a relief to leave.  Mary ran to the car when I honked my new horn and I have to admit it was a little exciting.  New car.  Graduation.  Driving away from everything.  Mary jumped in all smiles and laughs.  We waved to a hundred relatives on her front porch as her mom took pictures while we pulled away.

"I did not think you were ever going to get here."  Stressing every syllable.

"Grandma and grandpa duty at my house."  I felt a cringe of guilt at remembering how I felt about grandma.  No!  Not tonight!  Tonight I will not let that happen.   "You know, I hate to to have to give my keys to the chaperone at the party.  I almost feel like just going and driving all night.  To where ever."  I felt a little bit of a wild thrill at the thought of it.

"Wow.  Spontinaity from you.  What a day of new experiences!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Nothing.  And normally I would say let's do it, let's go!  But tonight, I say let's go to the all night party.  You know, we will probably never see most of these people for a long time.  If ever."

"You think?"  I hadn't even thought of that.  I'm not sure if it bothered me or not.

"Don't forget we need to pick up Tim."  And we did.  Tim seemed genuinely glad to see it was me with Mary picking him up.  Which surprised me.  Don't know why.  But it did.  He sat in the back seat and leaned forward between me and Mary in the front.

"I can't believe you got a car for graduation Nicky.  I got a watch and money and was thrilled.  What did you get Mary?"

"All kinds of stuff from mom and dad.  Money.  Stuff for when I go to school in the fall.  I got a watch too.  And a longer curfew."  We all laughed at that.  "But there's no curfew tonight."

"Yeah but if we leave the party before 6 a.m. we can't get back in and they call our parents."

Mary looked at Tim "what did you have in mind?"

"Nothing.  Actually I'm kind of looking forward to this party.  It's just kind of a bummer that our first all nighter will be at the school that we just spent 12 years trying to get out of."

I listened as Tim and Mary started talking about the last few years in high school.  They seemed to have a lot more memories than I could come up with.  There were a lot of parties they talked about that I didn't go to.  Lots of games they went to that I didn't go to.  School dances that..yep...I didn't go to.  They laughed, I laughed because what they talked about seemed fun.  Why hadn't I wanted to go?  And why didn't I realize how much fun I was missing?  I remember the feeling of taking comfort in my room, listening to music, watching TV, enjoying being home, enjoying more...the not having to go out.

We got to school and parked in the lot designated for our cars tonight.  We locked the car and turned in the keys at the door to the vice-principal.  We stood there briefly while she told us the rules.  Then we went in to the gym where it seemed like thousands of people were standing.  Maybe only a few hundred.  But everyone was crowded together.  I stood inside the doorway and looked with Mary and Tim.  They started to head towards the middle of the gym.  Mary looked back at me and I motioned her to go on.  I stood still and took in the entire gym.  I couldn't see everything from where I stood.  But a lot of effort went in to this.  I was surprised.  There were black jack tables (and we'd already been warned no real money would be used).  Arcade games.  Teachers running game booths.  Parents serving foods and drinks.  I wondered over to one group of people to see what everyone was looking at.  In the center of the small crowd was a young man sitting in front of an easel and one of the kids from my class was sitting in a chair in front of him.  Portraits?  I stood and watched until the young artist pulled off the sheet of paper and handed it to the posing boy.  It was a charicature.  Everyone strained to see and the next girl in line eagerly took her seat.  Sweet.

There were all kinds of pictures hanging on one of the long walls of the gym.  I moved over to the wall and slowly looked at the pictures.  I slowly made my way down the wall.  Years of pictures.  Hundreds of people.  Us.  I looked at every picture to see the faces, the events.  A lot of the faces were familiar, though I didn't know all of their names.  Why didn't I know their names?  Most of the events pictured didn't ring familiar either.  Carefully I scanned the pictures to see if I was in any of them.  I couldn't find me anywhere.  I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was a little disappointed.  Or was it sadness?  What did I miss?  The pictures were smiling faces, happy events.  Why wasn't I a part of these?  Didn't I want to be happy?

At the very end of the wall there were pictures of the school clubs for our senior year.  There was one of the yearbook staff.  I scanned it carefully.  I remember it being taken.  I couldn't just walk out of the room so I was in the picture, barely.  I only knew I was there because I remembered it.  It wasn't really a planned picture, just one of the staff playing around.  I managed to avoid being much of a part of the picture.  But there was the side of my head.  Why didn't I want to be in it?  Was I afraid of what would be seen, in a picture?

I turned back to the gym and was suddenly aware of the noise level.  Loud.  There was a sound system set up in the corner away from the entrance we all had to use.  Some of the kids were dancing.  There were tables set up in groupings all through the gym.  Most of the tables had kids sitting at them, or purses and jackets lying on them.  Everyone was smiling.  I went back to the artist sketching the characatures.  and watched.   He was pretty good.  Everyone who already had a sketch was showing them to the others waiting, everyone seemed impressed.  I looked at the artist.  Did he go to school here?  He didn't look old enough to have graduated yet.  He seemed pretty focused on what he was doing.  But he still manged to joke with the girl he was drawing.  

Everyone seemed so familiar with everyone else.  Yet I felt like an outsider.  No.  Not an outsider.  I felt okay.  But I felt like an observer.  Yes, an observer.  I didn't realize how long I must have been looking at the pictures and the artist until Mary came up to me, looking a little bit sweaty.  "Where have you been?"

"Looking at the pictures and watching him".  I nodded at the artist.

"I've been looking everywhere for you."

"Here I am."  I smiled at her.  She grabbed my elbow and pulled me behind her to ta table where Tim was sitting.  He was on one side of the table and two girls and another boy were on the other side of the table.  We sat with Tim , Mary next to him and me next to Mary.  Tim reached over and squeezed my hand and smiled.  "We lost you."  I smiled and watched his hand pull away from my arm.  That wasn't too uncomfortable, which surprised me.  That it didn't bother me.

Though I was glad to be here I didn't feel like a party.  I wanted to watch and listen.  Which is hard to do because people aren't comfortable with someone sitting quietly and 'observing'.  They have to be noticeably enjoying themselves, or the others become uncomfortable.  So to avoid making them uncomfortable I participated in the party.    Tim went to get us something to drink.