It's My Choice, Right or Wrong

"I think so."  She wasn't very chatty.  She leaned back in the seat.  "I wish I had more feelings for Tim."

She was quiet for a few seconds.   "I just think he's so nice.  And you know that word is very underrated in my book.  I can talk to him and I'm comfortable around him.  I just don't have strong feelings like he does."

"You can't help that Mary."

"I know, but that doesn't help.  I want to feel something for him.  I couldn't find anyone who is more perfect.  He treats me with....dignity.  You know how he is.  I don't ever feel bad when I'm with him.  Except for the guilt for not feeling the same way he does."

"You were honest with him.  You shouldn't feel guilty about that.  And you aren't using him.  That would be worse. I don't think you're someone  who is so insecure that you need to stay with someone just so you won't be alone.  You have to do what you think is right.  IF you didn't, both of you might miss out on something incredible down the road."  I felt bad for being upset with her.   She genuinely cares for Tim but can't fake feelings that are not there.   She's being honest.

"Yeah....but what if Tim is my incredible?  What if I am looking for something that won't happen, feelings that aren't real, that are just part of movies and bad books.  And then I miss this.  What if the real is that someone treats you decent, would do anything for you, someone you can be comfortable around just being your regular old self.  What if that is my incredible and I miss it?"

We were quiet, thinking about missing the incredible.  "I don't know for sure what you need to hear right now.  But I think you have to trust yourself.  If you don't feel this is the right thing, the incredible thing, then trust that.  And personally?  I think Tim will be fine.  He did okay tonight.  I think he can accept that you don't feel the same way he does.  Besides, I think we all have years to discover our 'incredible'."

She smiled.  "I don't know.  I think maybe you found yours."

"Shaun?"  I'm not sure what an octave is but I think my voice went up a couple of them.  "I've seen him twice. Once by chance and tonight.  I don't think that maps out my future."

"Maybe not, but you won't know if you don't let this have a chance.  Don't hide from it."  

I didn't want to get mad.  But her constant advising and counseling was aggravating as hell.   "Mary?  Let's not go there.  My entire future does not have to revolve around what happened to me.  And it doesn't have to be mapped out tonight."

She turned in her seat to look at my while I drove.   "Nicky I am not going anywhere.  This is a fact of your life.  And I can't help it if I 'go there'.  I worry about you and you know it.  I only worry so much because I  know what this can do to a person.  And you are denying that it is affecting you.  And yes, your entire future does revolve around what happened to you."

"I don't think I'm denying anything.  I can't forget what happened.  It's there and always will be.  But I am trying to get past it.  I don't need to remind myself of it.  And I know what it's done to me.  But I don't have to let it do anything more to me.  And when I do finally get a moment where it isn't screaming in my head at me? You bring it up."

"I don't think you are 'letting' it do anything to you.  There isn't an 'it' Nicky.  There is a person.  A cruel and sick person who is always going to be in and out of your life and you will pretend nothing is wrong.  You'll ignore it.  And you won't let those who should know.  So your world will always be affected by him.    And I bring it up, because it's there."

"I know what you're getting at.  But I don't see the point in telling my parents or grandparents.  It's over.  They can't change it.  The pain it would cause them would be senseless."

"What about you?  Where do you fit in?  You know your parents would support you. They wouldn't allow the bastard anywhere near you.  They would press charges.  Which is what should be done.  Who else has he done this to?  And what about your grandparents?  You can't stand going there because of the way they uphold his behavior.  Do you think they would support him over what he did to you?"

"Yes, grandma would.  And I don't think he's done this to anyone else."

"Oh Nicky".  She laid her head back in the seat and closed her eyes.  "Pardon the big words but that is disillusional on your part.  Why would you think he wouldn't do to someone else what he did to you for years?  And who is he hurting now, now that you've scared him?  Do you think he went away and is suddenly living a celibate, respectable life?  His sole purpose in life was only to do this to you?  This was all for him.  What he did he did for himself.  He didn't give a damn who it was.  Whatever his reasons he did this to satisfy himself and in the process control and control and control something.  It happened to be you.  But now that it's not you....it's somebody."

I wanted to scream....and every ounce of me was, inside.  "Don't you think I've thought of that?  I have.  Okay?   I have.  But I can't destroy my family I can't do this to my parents.  Do you have any idea what this would do to them?  The guilt they would feel?  The anguish they would live with for the rest of their lives?  I can NOT do that to them!"  I slammed my hand on the steering wheel.  "And don't tell me what I have to, or should, do.  This is ME."

She didn't respond immediately.   I wanted to look at her but didn't.  "Nicky I can't imagine what you're going through.  And I don't want you to think I'm preaching.  I just think that you ask yourself the same questions and you have some of the same thoughts I do.  And if this is what you are going through, and always will, what other little girl's life is now being destroyed?"  She hesitated.   "And I think you've decided your parents and grandparents can't handle this, unfairly.   They were, and still are, the adults."

"If I could do something Mary, I would."  I pictured a little girl, another little girl.  I didn't want to think of it because if I thought of it and agreed with Mary then aren't I as responsible for that little girl?  Then I pictured mom and dad.  I pictured telling them.  Like I had pictured telling them thousands of times over the years.  But I couldn't imagine their reaction.  Sometimes it was them coming to my rescue.  Sometimes it was them defending Doug.  Sometimes it was me being sent somewhere for 'help'.  Sometimes it was them not believing.  Sometimes there was nothing because I just couldn't conjure up this image.  I could not tell them.  I couldn't pretend it and I couldn't do it.  Some of the things I imagined bothered me more than not telling.  So I didn't tell.

"Mary I know this disappoints you.  But I can't tell them.  I can't.  I would like to think that this will go away.  I know you don't think it will.  But you can't tell me anything or preach anything to me that I haven't already told myself and beat myself up about.  I would like to think that I'm the only one he has done this to.  Part of me does believe that.  I have lived with this for my forever and I don't want to live with it anymore.  How am I ever going to get away from it if I tell my parents?  How will I ever live with the way they look at me and the way they feel?  How can I ruin their lives and then go about living?"

"How can you not tell them and live a lie?"

"I haven't lied to them.  I have protected them."

"It's not your job to protect them."  This time she slammed her hand down on the dashboard.  "It's their job to protect you!"

Her anger seemed wrong to me.  This was my anger.  "It's too late for that Mary and I can't change that.  They can't protect me now from what's already happened."  I pulled up in front of Mary's house.  I saw her mom look out the door, see it was us, wave and disappeared in to the house.  "God how did we get on this again?"

"Because it's never resolved."

I turned to her quickly.  "Resolved?  What kind of resolution do you want Mary?  I am glad, relieved, that Doug is gone.  It is OVER for me.  That is my resolution.  Do you want him hunted down and brought back so he can be confronted?  By who?  Me?  So I can relive it in all it's detail for my parents to hear?  For the world to hear?  So EVERYONE knows this about me?   The resolution you're talking about is to satisfy what YOU think would be resolved.   When I think it's MY decision."

Mary didn't budge.  She spoke quietly.  Without anger.  "Yes Nicky, that is what I want.  This isn't your shame.  It's his.  You should be free to be happy.  You shouldn't be carrying his guilt.  It's his.  All his.  I have known you my entire life.  I know what you've missed out on.  Maybe I didn't always know why or understand it.  But now I do.  It isn't right.  It's weird but all of our lives I always thought you seemed so old.  Older than me.  Older than our parents.  Maybe 'old' isn't even a good way to describe it.  But while the rest of us could laugh and be silly and enjoy the crazy in our lives you cringed at it.  You were apart from it.  And that's what is wrong here.  You are always going to be apart from us.  You will never let yourself belong because you feel that this is who you are.  Well, it isn't.  It is what was done to you."  Even softer.  "And yes, I do think everyone should hear what he did.  Because he should have to face the world looking at him, for what he did.  So you stop thinking the world is looking at you because of what was done."

Equally quiet, from me.   "All that may be true.  But right now this is how I am.  You aren't telling me anything I don't already know about myself.  There is no one who will ever be able to dissect every feeling I have better than I can myself.  But this is my comfort zone right now.  Do you remember in psychology when we talked about boundaries?   Personal boundaries?"

"Yep."

"Well I am very aware of my boundaries and they are right where I need them to be.  It's a comfort to discover things that help me realize what I am feeling and dealing with are normal.  Normal for what happened in my life.  You can not expect me to deal with this the way YOU feel is right for me.  Maybe someday I will talk to someone.  And maybe not.  But that is for me to decide and not you or anyone else."

She was very quiet.  We had locked on to each other's eyes.  Neither of us wanted to 'give'.  "I don't want to decide anything for you.  I am not that comfortable with this either.  I don't like not telling my mom, and I feel guilty knowing this when your parents don't.  I just want you to be happy Nicky."

Happier Day....?

What am I?  A virgin?  I tried to picture doing these things with someone who loved me.  Why would I ever want to do those things with someone I loved?  Dirty.  Disgusting.  Frightening.  I got up and got in bed, laying flat on my back, I straightened my covers around me and put my pillow under my neck.  I bet one of those pillows made just for the purpose of putting under your neck sure would help me sleep better.  I could never sleep a night through and my neck always hurts.  Maybe I should ask mom to get me one.

Mom....dad...I pictured them talking.  But not about anything like this.  I could not picture them hearing about this, or talking about this, or dealing with this.  They seemed so innocent, my parents...innocent.  Shouldn't that be the other way around?  Why did they seem so naive to me, and why do I feel so old?

The morning began with the same thoughts  I fell to sleep with, I think I slept.  While I dressed and did some light make up I looked in the mirror and promised myself to be a little happier today.  Starting with mom and dad at breakfast.  They were already sitting and talking when I walked in to the kitchen and started making toast.

"Good morning parents".  I smiled my most sincere, happy smile.  They returned the smiles and the good morning.  But they didn't keep talking about whatever they had been talking about before I came in.  I turned my head to look at them while I got apple juice out of the refrigerator and poured a glass.  "What's up with you two?  You're acting all secretive this morning."  They looked at me with those parent smiles that say 'we don't know what to say to you.'

Mom tried to cover with "you look very nice this morning, anything special going on at school?"

"Nope, it's just Friday, I guess most of us like to look good on Friday.  Don't ask me why."  I sat with them and started on my toast.

"Maybe it's because everyone is hoping for a date or something."  Dad looked pleased with himself.  He's probably right for the most part.  I smiled at his deducing.

"Maybe dad, I guess that could be the reason for some of my more desperate school chums."

"Maybe we should call them hopeful, dear, and not desperate."   Mom liked putting a nicer, positive, face on things.

"I think you're right mom."  I smiled at her genuine kindness.  We all ate silently for a minute.  "So what has you took all shook up this morning?"   

They did that parent thing, and parents seem to have a lot of these, where they look at each other and for a minute I thought I was going to get that 'oh nothing honey'  and watch them dance around their uneasiness act.  I did not.  Instead I got something I that I thought my parents didn't understand, couldn't comprehend, and would never be prepared for.

"I guess you're capable of understanding this sort of thing.  Horrible as it is."  Mom looked at dad for his just noticeable tilt of his head in agreement.  Sometimes they were too funny.  Too predictable.  "We had a phone call last night from aunt Marie" mom's sister "and I guess your cousin Curtis may have been..."  She obviously didn't know what to say, and her eyes started to tear up.  I looked to dad.  His eyes started to tear up watching mom.  I started to feel a little panic, a lot of panic at seeing them like this.  I couldn't speak.

"It seems that someone had been molesting him."  Dad turned red when he said it.  At first I thought it was embarrassment, but it wasn't, it was anger.  I pictured Curtis, he would be....ten I think.  Aunt Marie and uncle Rick must be frantic.

"Had been?  Did they catch him?  What happened?"  They had both managed to stop the tears before they actually cried.  But they both seemed pretty shook up.  For some reason, I felt somewhat calmer.

"It was one of his friend's father."  I wouldn't know who they would be talking about.  Aunt Marie and uncle Rick had moved to another state about three years ago.  Though mom and aunt Marie kept very close with emails and phone calls we only got to see them on major holidays.   "They just found out a  couple of days ago, Curtis came home from school and told Marie he needed to talk to her.  I guess they had had a program in school that day about good touch/bad touch.  Anyway, he just came out and told Marie that this other boy's father had been touching him and he didn't like it."

"You mean he just told her?"  I couldn't believe it.  My chest hurt.  Little Curtis, how could he just tell like that?

"Yes.  Thank God.  I guess it still happened quite a few times.  Now they're trying to decide what to do."

"Decide?  That's what I don't get.  There is no deciding.  They go to the police and charge the son of a bitch." Okay....startled doesn't cut it when I try to explain my surprise at dad's reaction.  Mom looked a little worn out as soon as he said it, I got the impression this must have been some kind of discussion between them.  We were quiet again for a minute.  "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell like that."  Mom reached out and touched his hand.

She turned to me to explain.  "I guess Curtis is asking them not to do anything.  Because of his little friend.  Marie isn't sure what to do, and of course Rick would like to create his own justice."  Way to go uncle Rick, was my first thought.   But I understood Curtis.

"I'm telling you Peg, if this guy was doing something like that to somebody' else's kid, don't you think he's doing it to his own kid?  Going to the police is probably the only way to protect the other boy."

"Neil" this discussion has been had before.   "I agree with you.  But I understand Marie and Rick's problem.  For heaven's sake they just found out, it's not like anyone has practice at dealing with this type of thing.  They need to do what is best for them, and they don't know what that is."

"I still think something should be done quickly.  How many kids has this guy done this to?  How many more if someone doesn't do something?"  Dad got up from the table and poured himself some more coffee.  I had never seen dad this angry, he couldn't sit back down he was so worked up.  "Curtis is only ten years old.  What the hell will this do to him for the rest of his life?"  None of us could answer that.  I didn't want the answer.  More silence.

I got up from the table.  The toast was gone, I finished my juice hoping it would help my dry throat.  I put my glass in the sink.  "I think I should go to school."  Dad hugged me and kissed me, but couldn't, or didn't, say anything.  Mom kissed my cheek.  I grabbed my backpack from the bottom of the steps and headed out the door.  I might be late, but I think this is a good day for walking.  As I was heading towards Mary's house she came out, she met me on the sidewalk.

"I've been waiting for you."

"Thanks.  Do you feel like walking?"  She shrugged an 'I don't care'.  I had thoughts and memories racing through my head.  Fog was settling over my brain and my intent to have a good day.

We walked in silence for a few mintues.  "Nicky?"

"Hmmmmm?"

"Do you think it's wrong to go out with a guy just because he likes you?"  We could do this.   Start a conversation like we had been talking all day.

"No, I mean, you're just going out.  It's not like you're making a commitment.  It's a date.  That's what dates are for.  To find out if you like someone.  To have fun."

"Are you mad about something?"

"Why, do I sound mad?"  I didn't like people to be able to read me, sometimes Mary could and sometimes she couldn't.  I felt safer if people could not.

"I don't know, that's why I asked."

"No, I don't think I'm mad.  I'm something.  But I don't know what it is."

"Oh."  I guess I didn't give her much to respond to.

I was quiet for a minute.  "Doug was at my house when I went home from school yesterday."  She stopped dead in her tracks and grabbed my elbow.  Which stopped me.  Made me look at her.  Which I had managed to not do since we started walking.

"Were your parents there?"

"No."

"Shit Nicky!  I am so sorry!!  I didn't see his car when you left my house."

"I didn't either.  he said he parked it somewhere else."  She just stared at me, not knowing what to say.  I know she wanted to ask if anything happened, but didn't want to make me tell her.  "I told him not to touch me."  It sounded so simple.

Don't touch me.

"Did he get mad?"

"No, I think he got scared."

"Scared?"   

"Yeah, because then he left."

"Left?  He just left?"

"Yeah, just like that, he left."  Now, I feel mad.  I started walking and she nearly jumped to catch up to me.  "I can't believe after all of these years, all I had to say was 'don't touch me'."  Maybe it was saying it out loud to another person that made it worse, but I could feel my face turning hot with anger and shame.  "I let it go on." This time when she grabbed my arm by my elbow she nearly pulled my arm out of joint.

"No, you didn't!"  I know she said it quietly.  But it felt like she was yelling at me.  I pulled my arm free from her grasp.  "Nicky...don't do this to yourself.  You did not let it go on.  You didn't let it happen.  It wasn't your fault."  I started walking again, faster.  She matched my stride and kept up.

"It sure feels that way Mary.   Guess what else happened?" I glanced at her as my insides boiled.   I could see her looking bewildered like something else could happen that was worse.  "At breakfast this morning mom and dad told me that my little cousin Curtis had been molested.  And you know what Curtis did?"  I didn't give her a chance to respond.  "He told.  He just told his mom!  And guess what?  It stopped.  Of course it stopped!  It won't happen to him again."

"Nicky you can't compare yourself to him, or anyone else."

"I know I can't.  Because I'm not like anyone else.  I'm even too stupid to tell me parents when someone..."  I couldn't say it.  Wouldn't say it.  I slowed down when I realized Mary was trying to talk and almost run at the same time.  I put her in a bad situation.  I stopped and turned to look at her.  Now she would worry about me all day.  "You know what Mary?"  She didn't know what, she had no idea what to expect from me.  "You are a good friend.  I can say stupid stuff like this to you because I know that you know I have to have my moment of anxiety."   She looked at me like she didn't believe me.  "Besides, don't you think it would be abnormal of me if I didn't act angry at some point about all of this?"

I knew she wouldn't argue with me about that.  Not after all of the books she had read, and discussions we had had about this in the last six months.  We started walking again.

"I just worry about you Nicky."

I knew it.  "You don't have to Mary.  I'm going to be all right.  It's over.  When he left I knew he wouldn't be coming back."

"How can you be sure?"

"I just am."  And this was just the start of my 'happier day'.  Fortunately school was painless and quick.  I worked hard and was relieved I had done all of the homework I was suppose to.  I never understood how other kids could just not do their homework.  That's a terrible feeling when the teacher asks for assignments and you don't have yours.  Why would anyone do that on purpose?  At lunch I slipped away and sat outside in the cool air with a bag of chips and a diet cola.  The air felt so cool, so clean, I love this feeling.  It felt like a little vacation sitting there all by myself.  I think I actually felt good.  And reveled in it.