A Dad Moment

I sat on the steps and watched him drive away.  I looked to Mary's house and saw the lights on.  I was done talking for the night.  Mom and dad must have gone upstairs because I didn't hear anything through the open front door.  I locked the door behind me when I went in and went to the kitchen for a glass of iced tea to take upstairs with me.  Dad was sitting at the kitchen table reading part of the day's paper and eating a bowl of ice cream.

"Hey dad."

""Hey."  He put his paper down and watched me get a glass put ice in it and fill it with tea from the pitcher in the refrigerator.  I felt him watching me and couldn't help but smile.

"Why are you watching me?"

"I don't know.  Mind tricks maybe."

"Huh?"  I sat at the table across from him.

"I could see you fifteen years ago not being able to pour kool-aid from a pitcher, but there you are now, all grown up.  Pouring your own tea.  Funny...."  he looked back at his paper instead of at me "...how and when we see our kids grown up.  It wasn't your graduation.  It was you pouring a glass of tea."

"If it makes you feel any better I'm not all grown up."

"That's funny, sometimes I feel like you grew up years ago."  I felt sorry for him.  Again I felt like I robbed him of being a father.  A daddy.

"Oh dad."  I didn't know what to say.

"But then there are times when I feel like you're so young, innocent."

"What times?"  I was curious as to when dad saw me as young.  I wish I could see myself through his eyes.  I did not want to be a disappointment to him.

"Well, like when you get an unexpected present.  Or sometimes I see you reading a book and looking so young and absorbed in the fantasy of literature.  Even tonight, with this Tim.  I know he isn't a boyfriend but you were so young with him around.  I don't know.  I can't really explain it."  He shook his head with an embarrassed grin and looked at the paper again.  My heart was aching for him.   And me.

"You don't have to explain it. Maybe it's one of those things I'll understand when I have my own children."

"That's what it is."  He reached across the table and placed his hand over mine.  "Sometimes you just have such a sadness about you Nicky.  Maybe you are what they call 'an old soul'.  I hope that's what it is is.  I would hate to think you feel old because of me."

I placed my other hand on top of his.  "Dad you have never made me feel old anything.  You've always been a great dad."  Don't cry dad.   He didn't.  He smiled.

"Maybe I just needed to hear that."

"Maybe I should have told you more often."  He gave my hand a slight squeeze and sat back, withdrawing his warm hand.  

"You shouldn't have had to.  I was just having a melancholy moment when you came in.  Sometimes you just can't escape those."  He smiled and noticeably relaxed.  I sat there with him for awhile until we both were ready to go upstairs.  A dad  moment.  I could feel the pressure of his hand on mine until I went to sleep.  And it was a comforting feeling.