Some Day I Will Find Out

"I wish Doug could have been here."  Grandma addressed everyone, no one in particular.  There was a little silence.  I saw dad's jaw tense a little.  He was debating with himself I could tell.  Finally he spoke to his mother.

"Well mom...personally I'm a little tired of his disappearing games.  It's time he stopped using his past as an excuse for these games.  He's able to make decisions and be held accountable for them."   I felt an immediate appreciation for dad.  Like he had taken my 'side', unknowingly, against all things Doug.  I tried not to look but gauge how the uncles reacted.  I thought I perceived slight head nods.

"Neil that's no way to talk about Doug.  He's had more to deal with than most of us put together."  Grandma was literally tight lipped while she spoke her clipped words.

Grandpa was watching dad while grandma spoke.  He and dad usually seemed to be on the same wave length.  They were very much alike in their feelings and actions.  I got a little nervous when he spoke.  "You know Alice I hate to say it but I think I agree with Neil.  You don't just abandon the people who care about you without telling them what's going on.  There has always been something about Doug that bothered me when he pulls these disappearing tricks.  Neil, I think you're right, he's not held accountable for much."  Grandpa nodded as he spoke, he mostly spoke to his salad.  I think to avoid looking at grandma's eyes.  

"He isn't responsible for what happened to him."  Grandma looked near tears.

I wanted to shout HE SHOULD BE FOR WHAT HE DOES NOW.   "Maybe not Alice but he is responsible for what he does now."   Coming from mom that was pretty strong.  I got the feeling this had been a topic of discussion before and there were lines drawn.    I knew where Grandma stood, she always made it clear how fond she was of Doug.  Which I never could understand.

Why, and how, did they start talking about him now?  And why did I have to listen to it?  Mom must have senses something because she kept talking.  "And honestly I think there are happier things to talk about now." Everyone took a keen interest in their salads.  Mom smiled across the table at me.  Everyone tried to relax, it seemed, except grandma.

Conversation returned, in bits, over the salad, to me.  And now that the birthing story was past they headed into all of the cute things I had done and how I had always been a "pleasure" to them all.  I was surprised at all they said and recounted.  I never knew all the things they told me at lunch.  They experienced a lot of firsts with me.  First grandchild, first niece.  They told me more stories and more feelings.  Feelings and stories I don't remember until they tell me, then I do have that recall.  I looked at my parent's faces, my grandparent's faces, and  I saw time.  I saw the time they spent loving me and me not even being conscious of it most of the time.  I saw softness, concern and depth that I had not noticed or paid attention to.

Everything seemed so surface to me.  Maybe that was me.  Not them.  I tried to focus on what they said, to remember the feelings of our family times as they remembered them.  It was an exercise, to say the least.  Some memories came easier than others.  Some feelings felt natural, and some I felt obligated to feel even if I wasn't sure I felt it or not.  Some things I could not feel like they seemed to be expressing them.  Maybe I just couldn't express it the way they did.  No, as I listened it wasn't the words that made it powerful.  Or memorable.  It was the look they gave each other.  The look they gave me, the touch of a hand as they patted another hand and said "do you remember?"  Or the way dad would lean back, point at Ted or Larry and say "what about...." with a laugh or wide eyes.  And as soon as the crux of the story was out the others would start nodding their heads as they recalled the same memory.

It wasn't that I didn't remember the stories I should have been old enough to remember.  I did remember some of them.  I just didn't feel....like I was part of it.

I felt honored that they felt such happiness because of me.  Only I didn't get it.  How could I have made them so happy, and not know it, and not feel like I was part of it?  They talked through our salads and into our main course.  There was a little silence as we ate.   And fun as they had to show me how to eat lobster.   

"Oh I almost forgot Nicky..."  Grandma pulled her purse from the floor and opened it.  She stuck her hand in and pulled out some envelopes and handed them to me.  "One of them is from Sandy."

"That was nice of Sandy".  Dad was referring to the fact that Sandy had just divorced from Ted and the divorce wasn't pleasant.  Ted just grinned at dad.

"Like Sandy said Neil, Sandy's problems were with Ted, not the rest of us."  Grandma was still ticked about what had been said about Doug.  Personally, I was with the others.  Grandma wouldn't let it go.  I bet Grandpa gets an ear full when they get home.

Since Grandma was handing me cards she was expecting me to take them and open them.  I had to stop eating.  Clean my hands and open them.  Larry and Carol handed me a card, Ted handed me a card and made sure to turn far enough towards me while he was handing it to me to be able to roll his eyes so his mom would not see.  I winked in appreciation of that.  

I was thrilled at the money.  Ted and Larry each gave me one hundred dollars and Sandy had given me fifty.  "I guess this celebration is on you!"  Dad laughed as he saw the money.

The rest of our meal was small talk.  Grandma was pretty quiet.  Which made everyone else somewhat uncomfortable.  I think grandpa was getting mad at her.  I would have liked to have shook her and screamed at her for defending him.  What dad said wasn't even mean, it was just true, and that's not dad's fault.  It's Doug's.  How would she react if I ever told?

I let myself picture that.  Telling grandma, in her house, where he had lived.  I pictured her not believing me and defending him to me.  I pictured myself screaming, yelling and demanding she believe me.  I pictured her crying and saying no.  It wasn't true.  And I pictured him there.  I pictured him staying, and me leaving.

I looked at grandma and was shocked at the feeling that washed over me as we sat there in that nice restaurant with the window by the garden.  How could I?  How could she?  Would she?  I looked at my plate so I wouldn't have to look at her.  I was sure she would.  

Moving Forward, Just A Little

Graduation.  The end of my childhood is what mom and dad said.  The only thing is I kind of left that behind a while ago.  They were so excited.  And still-sad.  I finished getting dressed, even using a little make up, took my cap and gown out of the closet and went downstairs.  They were all dressed up and waiting with the camera.  Mom took a picture as dad met me at the bottom of the steps and hugged me.  Then dad took one of mom hugging me.

"Nicky you look beautiful."  Mom stepped back to look at me in my dress, that she and I had picked out together.  Mom took my hand and led me to the dining room where some presents sat shimmering in their silver paper.  Mom picked one up and handed it to me.  I opened the long, thin box and found a strand of pearls.  Pretty cool I must say.

"Let me."  Dad took them from my hand and clasped them around my neck.  The pearls felt cool.  I liked that.  I hugged them both.  Their excitement was kind of catching.  I let myself get caught up in the fun and the emotion.  Dad handed me the next one.

"Nicky we are so proud of you."  I smiled happily at him as they watched me open the square box and pull out a gold watch.  "Turn it over."  I smiled even more at their excitement.  They had it engraved, it was a dainty watch and the writing was tiny:  'Time for the rest of your life.'  I looked at mom.  She actually had her hands up to her mouth, for some reason I pictured her as a little mouse, timid.  I laughed and hugged her.  I didn't think she would let go of me.

"Peg you're going to mess up her hair."  He hugged me again as soon as she let go.  There were other presents but dad picked up the smallest box and led us all in to the living room.  He motioned for me to sit on the couch.  "Nicky, your mom and I wanted to do something special for you...."   He looked at mom, at the floor, finally at me again.   "You have been everything your mother and I dreamed of from the first time we ever held you."  Okay, it's okay to cry.  So I started.  Dad smiled and reached over to wipe a tear from my cheek.  "Well, I didn't mean to make you cry.   Anyway...as you are well aware...you are our only child, so you have to indulge us."  Giggles from mom.  "This isn't very original, but it is something you're going to need."  He handed me the small box.  Mom's eyes were fixed on my face.  I opened the little box and found a key.  A car key.  I know that meant there's a car.  But...I never expected it.  Even holding the key...not sure what to do with it.  Mom laughed.

"Nicky...your face.  Come on, let's go look at it."  She nearly yanked me off of the couch with dad right behind us.  We went outside.  And sure enough there was a little Volkswagon Beetle.  Black.  I couldn't believe it.  We walked up to it.  Dad opened the door for me.  I got in.  It smelled new.  Real new.  Chemically smelly.   Fabric smelly.  

I ran my hands over the steering wheel.  I looked at the dash.  The seats.  My hands touched.  My eyes looked.  "This is mine?"  I don't care how unoriginal they thought it was , it was original for me!  "I can't believe you bought me a car!"  I had never even thought of having a car.  If I ever needed one they always let me use one of theirs.  "I can't believe you bought me a car!"  I said that already didn't I?

"Well, it's not brand new.  It's over a year old.  Nothing wrong with it though.  It looks good. Runs good.  We thought it was perfect for you."  I hadn't noticed mom taking pictures.  Dad was glowing.   Mom was grinning.  I was busy taking everything in.  CD player.  Jack to plug in my MP3 player.  Air conditioning.  I thought I should hug them but I didn't want to get out.

"How about driving us to your graduation?"  

"Let's go!"  I couldn't wait to drive it.  It was mine.

"Wait!"  Mom ran in the house and came out with her purse, my cap and gown.  Dad ran in and came out carrying his suit jacket.  What a beautiful day!  I let myself enjoy it.  Funny, that I have to let myself relax and smile and laugh.  But that's what it was.  And that's what I was doing.  Life is good.  When it's good.  Grandma and Grandpa met us at the school.  Duty dictated that I kiss them hello.  Then I had to run off with my cap and gown and meet the rest of the class in our assigned classrooms to get ready.  Mary headed right for me when she saw me.  She screeched when she saw me.  I screeched right back.  Why not?  She ran to me and stopped.  I could see her debate, she threw caution to the wind and hugged me.  I hugged back.

"Isn't this great?"  Everyone was milling around and the noise was almost unbearable.  Everyone was putting on their black gowns and mortar boards.  Some of the girls were crying.

"You are never going to believe what mom and dad got me."

"What?" We were pulling on our gowns and zipping them.

"A CAR!"

"Oh that."  She flipped her hand like it was no big deal.  Looked away.  Then looked back at me laughing.  "I KNOW!  They asked me what kind of car you would like.  I saw it a week ago.  Isn't it great!?"

"You knew?  How could you know for so long and not tell me?"  

"I'm good with secrets."  She hugged me again.   Yes, she is.  Doug had kind of disappeared.  My parents didn't think much of it.  Often Doug had packed up and moved.  Getting a job somewhere else.  And then just as sudden he would move back.  I didn't care.  But I knew why he was gone.  And I didn't think he was coming back.  This time he had left the weekend mom and dad had gone to aunt Marie's.   I figured after I heard them talking about him being gone that he must have come to the house to say goodbye.  But who knows.  

Before I knew it were lined up and heading out of the classroom to our graduation.  It was hot.  Everyone was sweating, smiling and crying.  I didn't listen much to what was being said.  Instead, I sat thinking.  Looking at faces I could see, the backs of heads.  Most of the faces were so familiar.  Most I'd been at this school with for four years.  Most, I didn't know very well.  I saw Mary, who was all giddy.   Of course I knew her the best.  Since fall she had been spending a lot of time with Tim.  So I had gotten to know him pretty well.  Other faces, other names, there were some faces I had seen for years but I couldn't recall their names.  

I thought over the last school year.  School.  Lots of work.  With the newspaper.  The year book.  Studying.  Studying was always the hardest.  Not too many other things came to mind.  I went to the prom so not to disappoint mom and dad.  I went with Mary and Tim.  And yes, felt like a third wheel.  Mary and Tim really didn't seem to mind.  We did have a pretty good time.  Though for weeks leading up to it I dreaded the thought of it.  I am sure that didn't set me up to have a good time.  But I surprised myself by actually enjoying it.  I even danced a couple of times.  But was nervous doing it.  Mom and dad were pretty excited.  I think they were disappointed there wasn't a boy to take pictures of with me.  But they never said anything.  I scanned the bleachers full of parents, squirming siblings, yawning grandparents.  I saw my family.   I grinned.  They waved.

I must be a boring kid to them.  No excitement.  They had respected my decision to get a job and go to night school.  I hadn't worked hard enough to get any scholarships.  But I was excited about working on my college education.  And I was very excited about starting my new job in two weeks.  I was pretty surprised  when I started going to interviews for jobs.  It was a challenge, not always comfortable.  But I figured if I got a decent job, staying at home, I could work and afford to pay for a good part of my own education.  I was pleasantly surprised when I got the job I wanted the most.

In two weeks I start at the State National Bank.  It wasn't a glamorous job but I was happy about the quiet setting I would be working in.  Pretty much all I would be doing is loading information on their computer system.  I would be pretty isolated from most people.  It was close to home.  It would let me pay for some of school, in addition to the loans I would have to get.  They talked about training me as a teller in case I would have to fill in.  That didn't thrill me, but it didn't scare me either.  I figured I could do it.   The nice part was I'd always be able to depend on the "banker's hours" and wouldn't have to worry about odd work shifts.